♪♪
-At the end of last week's "Corrections,"
I asked Shoemaker, "Is it pencil?"
before I attempted to bite into the pencil
to prove whether or not it was a real pencil or a candy pencil.
A lot of you thought this was in reference
to the television show "Is It Cake?"
hosted by our friend Mikey Day.
And I was surprised that all of you referenced
that show, not knowing that is not the original.
The original host of "Is It Cake?" was...
First of all, it aired in the '70s on BBC
and it was hosted not by Mikey Day
but by British legend of stage and screen
Alex--
Excuse me. Sir Laurence Olivier.
We did some digging and we found a clip
of the popular original version of "Is It Cake?"
Let's take a look.
-Take your time.
Tell me.
Is it [dubbed voice] cake?
[ Laughter ]
-These jokes, correction jokes aren't sprints.
[ Laughter ]
In "Roadhouse," Patrick Swayze
wasn't a bouncer, he was a cooler.
This was something his character made clear many times.
The problem is -- I knew that.
The problem is, William H. Macy was in a movie,
a different movie in 2003, called "The Cooler,"
and he's my cooler.
Sorry to say it.
In the order...
I love Swayze, but in the pecking order of actors,
it is always been, for me --
doesn't have to be the same for everybody --
Macy, Swayze, Kevin Spacey.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I also love Jake Lacy.
So now top three could be anywhere,
but it's like Lacy, Macy, Swayze, Kevin Spacey,
and then...
John Wayne Gacy.
The -- For the serial killing.
Not the painting.
Long story.
Shoemaker is a huge fan of John Wayne Gacy, the painter.
And so he's very upset anytime you lump the two.
And he's always walking around saying,
"I'm sorry that I can separate the art from the artist!"
And I'm like, "What?"
[ Laughter ]
A lot of you will sometimes reference and write
about Shoemaker in the comments section,
and a lot of you guess at the spelling of his name.
It's not your fault, you know.
Well, actually, there are credits on the show.
[ Laughter ]
Like I'd say, maybe you don't have time
to watch the credits, but, uh...
you're leaving comments in the YouTube section.
Anyways, in case you want to know,
that is how you spell it.
We also accept that emoji.
[ Laughter ]
Um...
Oh, we did a joke about "Family Feud"
and we were told we used an incorrect buzzer sound
for "Family Feud," which shocked me.
I could not -- I went back. I could not hear the difference.
First, let's hear the real sound effect.
[ Buzzer ]
And now let's hear the one we used in "A Closer Look."
Then every time they do
another failed roll call, it can end like this.
-A speaker has not been elected.
-[Deep voice] Buzzzzz!
[ Laughter ]
-Somebody wrote in, "A GoPro camera is bigger
than a squirrel's head."
Maybe where you live, but not in New York.
We got some...
jacked squirrels.
Not your, like, Monday through Friday squirrels.
But in the park on the weekends
when the bridge-and-tunnel squirrels come in,
just walking...
[ Laughter ]
[ New Jersey accent ] "I got your nuts right over here!"
[ Laughter ]
Kevin McCarthy boldly proclaimed he could count.
We said that wasn't that impressive
'cause it's a Sesame Street character skill.
We had him say, "I can count,"
showed a picture of The Count.
"I have a sweet tooth,"
showed a picture of Cookie Monster.
"Me very ticklish," showed a picture of Elmo.
Got it wrong
because Elmo only says "Elmo."
Cookie Monster says "me."
It should have been, "I can count,
me have sweet tooth,
Kevin very ticklish."
Thank you. A lot of you wrote that in.
We also said Kevin McCarthy is
second in line to the presidency,
and a lot of you said he's third in line.
The thing is, I don't think
President Biden is in line.
You know, I think he has the job.
Kamala is first in line.
Kevin McCarthy is second in line.
So, that's maybe just a difference.
I see where we've split there,
but I do hold fast to the way we went.
Also, this is interesting.
We do have a succession plan
here at "Late Night," as well.
After me, it's Amber.
And after Amber, it's Scollins.
So if anything happens to me, Amber takes over.
And if anything happens to Amber,
arrest Scollins!
[ Laughter ]
[ Clears throat ]
I was doing my Jennifer Coolidge impression.
To great acclaim, it should be noted.
And I was a little taken aback by this comment.
"Who's Tanya?
This might not be an obscure reference,
and if I look it up
and it's simply some 'White Lotus' reference,
then you're writing staff should be ashamed.
Not all of your audience is watching 'White Lotus'
or 'Real Housewives'
or whatever show that reference was from.
If you do not include the subject of the reference,
you might as well be writing inside jokes for 'Corrections.'"
And at that, all I have to say is,
[as Coolidge] Wowwwww.
[ Laughter ]
[Normal voice] The jackal mugs obviously have been going out.
People are very happy.
Someone thought this was a nice thing to write.
"I feel like it's important for everyone to know that sometimes,
occasionally someone breaks into my apartment building,
opens up everyone's packages and takes what they want.
My jackal mug had arrived while I was out of town,
and I received a notification about another robbery.
I was so sad, but there was a twist.
The thief opened the box and then declined to take the mug."
[ Laughter ]
We did a bit about Benjamin Franklin
trash-talking Thomas Jefferson
during the Constitutional Convention,
and many of you correctly pointed out Thomas Jefferson
was not at the Constitutional Convention because
he was serving as ambassador to France at the time.
Very embarrassed.
Very embarrassed anytime we make a historical error.
We try to be accurate about history
as much as possible in the body of the show.
It's an unforgivable error,
especially we think about all the history scholars
who have provided their scholarship to us.
It would be easy enough
anytime we talk about history to Google it
and make sure we get it right.
It was very flippant of us.
It's beneath us.
Clearly, what I should have said
is Benjamin Franklin trash-talked Thomas Jefferson
during the Constitution Convention during a phone call.
[ Laughter ]
We talked about how the Steelers were eliminated
from the playoffs after the Jets failed to win.
And we showed a picture of Jets quarterback Mike White.
And someone pointed out Mike White didn't actually play
in the Jets game on Sunday.
And all I want to say to that is,
maybe he [bleep] should have.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sarcastically ] Oh, no, we got to figure out
what we got here with Joe Flacco.
[ Laughter ]
I said all dads watch "Yellowstone."
Someone wrote in and said, "I'm a father of two
and I've never seen that show."
Well, bad news, bro --
Those aren't your kids.
[ Laughter ]
We talked about the way
Mike Pence claps.
And first of all, we said that he should be
holding two coconuts like he was in
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail."
Two halves of coconuts.
That was an error.
But, um...
Someone pointed out a really shocking thing to me.
'Cause I then mimed Mike Pence running and clapping,
and they said, "You're clapping wrong.
Mike Pence claps like this."
And I said that couldn't possibly be right.
And then I went back and took a look.
Let's see.
What the [bleep] is that?
[ Laughter ]
Look at that again up close.
That was like one of the tests they did in "Blade Runner."
[ Laughter ]
They were like, "Clap."
If you did this, that's how they knew.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, we had a headline about some high schoolers,
a New York Post fake headline.
And one of the high schoolers was named Keith.
And someone wrote in and said there are no Gen Z people
named Keith.
So if you're Gen Z and your name is Keith,
please go -- please go to @seacaptainpolls,
where we're gonna post the poll,
"Are you Gen Z? And if so, is your name Keith?"
[ Laughter ]
We talk about our crew a lot here.
And obviously we had -- our edible pencils were out
and we've been talking about --
the kindness of the edible pencils
came from the mother of our sound mixer, Mike Witzer.
And a bunch of you said,
"Are you really saying you have a sound mixer
named Mike Witzer?"
[ Laughter ]
And I never put it tog--
It does sound like a children's book.
"Iggy Peck, Architect."
"Rosie Revere, Engineer."
"Mike Witzer, Sound Mixer."
[ Laughter ]
But of course, we know it's not a family business, right?
Like, his mom's not a sound mixer.
She's a candy maker.
Of course, Witzer isn't her maiden name.
I asked Mike what her name was before she was married.
Mandy Baker.
[ Laughter ]
Ooh, sometimes jackals really do impress me.
And I'm willing -- I'm always willing to share
when I'm impressed by a jackal comment.
We told an Amelia Earhart joke yesterday.
Did not go great with the audience.
Someone wrote, "You can't be surprised
when an Amelia Earhart joke doesn't land."
[ Laughter ]
Someone sent a package to our P.O. box,
and it was addressed to Wally.
I opened it -- out of kindness.
Because, you know, it was to Wally, so I assumed
it would be, like,
dog [bleep] or anthrax.
[ Laughter ]
But I forgot, Wally is beloved.
And this is -- it was tiny.
It was in a package, right?
I'm seeing this, and it was in a bigger package.
I'm like, "Oh, this is gonna be some bull[bleep] joke," right?
So I unwrapped it.
And, uh...
This is incredible.
Look at that little...
Can you get in close enough?
"Jackals rule."
And a very -- a very believable Wally.
This is art, Shoemaker --
not your clown paintings.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, that's our -- that's our tiny Wally,
and I'm gonna give it to him
as soon as he can prove
it's legally his if it goes to my P.O. box.
[ Laughter ]
Shoemaker is real, by the way.
Some of you been positing that
he's like a Tyler Durden from "Fight Club" situation.
[ Laughter ]
Like he's a figment of my imagination.
Let me tell you how I know it's not a Tyler Durden situation.
Shoemaker has never walked into a room and had someone say,
"Whoa, is that Brad Pitt?"
Only...
[ Laughter ]
Different faces.
Exact same body, I should note.
Shoemaker's super jacked.
Thin jacked.
And the amount he has his shirt off in the office!
[ Laughter ]
Always something.
Loves it. Loves to flaunt it.
Like, I'll hear like hammering through our shared wall
and I'll go in and he's, like, on a chair, shirt off.
Got, like, nails in his mouth and he's like,
"Got to get the new Gacy up."
[ Laughter ]
We made a joke about...
the scariest thing someone could send me
is a severed human head.
Turns out I was wrong.
Opened this right before the show today.
This is not the first time I'm saying this.
I was right on some accounts when I said a severed human head
would be the scariest thing you could receive.
My mistake was the word "human,"
because this came.
[ Laughter ]
And I'm not saying you owe me an apology,
but you should apologize to Donna,
who had to run to wardrobe
and get a new pair of pants
after I [bleep] the ones I was wearing.
[ Laughter ]
Well, you guys...
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
Is it Wally?
Is it W-- [ Laughs ]
Not doing this. Bye! See me next week.