- Commercials!
Originally only on the tv,
they are now on our social media,
on some streaming services,
and generally all over the internet.
They tell us we want to buy things,
why we should want to buy those things.
You know, by making stuff look real yummy
or appealing or necessary in our lives.
Which is all, you know, well and good
except there are some commercial tendencies
that we oddly accept,
even though when you take a moment to think about it
they are super (bleep) weird and random.
Would you like some examples?
Cool, I can't hear your answers so here we go.
Car commercials, especially luxury car commercials,
seem to assume that people only drive
in empty city streets or on mountain roads.
And they aren't just driving,
they are usually speeding.
I mean, I guess it's a luxury car
so of course you want to go vroom vroom fast,
but to me, mountain roads aren't the lap of luxury
and speeding down a mountain path in your fast zoomy car
is a sure way to get into a car crash.
I guess I get the appeal of trafficless city streets,
but also, completely devoid of other drivers is creepy.
It's like apocolypse creepy.
Now, I get that you want to show driving
as a fun, cool thing,
but why are empty city streets and mountain roads
fun, cool ways to drive?
Did the commercial companies just
get a great deal on mountains?
It's just weird and random.
Yep, nope.
I get that we as a nation might not enjoy
seeing pee or poop or period blood
in our diaper and feminine hygiene commercials,
but why blue?
If everything that came out of me was a light blue goo,
I would be very disturbed.
I mean, unless I was that alien on Fifth Element,
that would be pretty cool,
'cause she can sing, like, super high.
She's like-- (high-pitched singing)
(imitating high-pitched singing)
(high-pitched singing)
(voice cracks) Dammit.
But I'm not.
So unless oozing blue goo
comes with awesome singing abilities,
why blue, commercials?
Why?
Why did they decide that it is a comforting thing
to have Windex squirting out of us?
Who came up with that?
What Mad Men-era commercial exec decided,
see when you gotta show the poops and the pees,
you gotta be blue.
I don't know why I sounded like a cartoon mobster,
but whatever, I'm just saying
it's a weird choice.
Why, yogurt?
Don't you want to sell yogurt to the masses?
I don't see real-life moms who have kids
just slamming yogurt shots all the time.
They're not just throwing Go-Gurt at their kids
in a frenetic snack relay race.
Moms don't suddenly become
Cutco knife salesmen but for yogurt,
when they have a child.
You're acting like the act of eating yogurt
is just a maternal female thing,
and I can tell you that that is unfair.
Yogurt is a delicious product that all can enjoy.
I see Cody Johnston eat yogurt all the time.
Watch.
- Ooh, yogurt.
- So what are you doing, yogurt?
You're only hurting yourself.
Yogurt is for everyone.
Stop being weird.
Dog food commercials make the dog food
sound great for people
with, like, steak and carrots and peas,
but it's for dogs.
Your dog would probably eat throw up
or dead skunk or its own poop,
I grew up with a lot of dogs
and they do that all the time.
Now I'm not saying change your advertising scheme
to be like, buy our dog food, it tastes like throw up,
but why are you trying to appeal to me
so that I get hungry?
I mean, if the healthiest thing to give your animal
was just carrots and peas and steak
then we would do that.
Just say hey, your dog will love it and it's good for them.
Don't make me hungry in the process.
I understand there's a pretty severe underlying sexism here,
but why?
You are selling your chocolate like this?
Why go with energizing for men
and, like, sexy, shame-y for women
when you could just be like,
chocolate is delicious, enjoy yourself.
Put it in cake or pudding or ice cream or whatever.
But ads for chocolate bars at men are like,
eat our bars you little whiny bitch.
I mean, guys don't actually think chocolate bars
are gonna make them super fast and smart,
so saying that is just false advertising.
And women,
okay, while women have been trained
to feel like eating is shameful,
but that's messed up and weird.
And why is chocolate also sexy?
I'm not looking for the sexiest snack in my life,
I'm looking for yummy food,
so who is this for, chocolate commercials?
Who came up with the sexy chocolate marketing,
it's real weird.
Commercials clearly have some issues with moms.
I get that moms deal with picky eaters,
but they aren't always tricking people.
Why aren't dads tricking kids into eating food?
Are they allowed to be shoving unhealthy foods
into their kids faces
while moms have to do the heavy lifting
of being a sneaky food feeder?
I don't know, maybe the moms are the picky eaters, huh?
Did ya think about that?
My mom never tricked me into eating food, okay.
She just said eat your food
or go make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich yourself,
no tricking necessary.
If it's healthy, cool, say it's healthy,
but why make moms little elfin tricksters,
magicking vegetables into food, okay?
It's weird.
Anyway, I could go on for a while, but honestly
this is supposed to be a few minutes, not hours.
But if you do have more
weird assumptions that commercials make,
let me know in the comments
because where are they getting this stuff from, right?
Alright, I gotta go give yogurt to Cody now,
he's probably finished the last one.
- Yogurt?
- God you're fast.
I don't have it on me,
I'll get some, we'll get some yogurt, come on.