>> James: HELLO, GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
THE "LATE, LATE SHOW."
I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A PLEASANT FIRST DAY OF OCTOBER IT IS
IMPORTANT TO MENTION THAT, TODAY SHOULD BE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN MAY
AND JULY.
OR THE YEAR 2023, IT IS YOUR CHOICE, WHATEVER YOU THINK.
BUT ST, IT IS THE FIRST DAY OF OCTOBER.
FALLING LEAVES, CRISP BREEZES, TREES CHANGING COLORS.
THIS IS JUST A PARTIAL LIST OF THINGS THAT WON'T HAPPEN HERE IN
LOS ANGELES.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY, REG.
ANYTHING FUN?
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.
>> Reggie: TOOK A FLAP AND-- NAP AND-- .
>> James: I SWEAR TO GOD, WHAT SHOW IS THIS, ROB, 800 AND WHAT?
>> 814.
>> James: 814, EVERY TIME ON THE SHOW OR BACKSTAGE I ASK REG
THAT QUESTION.
IT MAY NOT BE THE LEADER BUT AT SOME POINT IN THE SCHEDULE THE
PHRASE "TOOK A NAP" IS THERE SOMEWHERE.
I'M READY.
>> YEAH, TOOK A NAP.
>> James: WHEN DID YOU NAP?
CUZ YOU WERE HERE TODAY AT WHAT, 1:00?
>> Reggie: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I WAS IN THE-- WELL, ABOUT AN HOUR AGO, JUST BEFORE, I GOT UP
ABOUT TEN MINUTES BEFORE RIGHT NOW.
>> James: WHY WOULDN'T YOU THOUGH.
WHY WOULDN'T YOU?
WE'RE LAUGHING, THE MAN'S GOT THE WHOLE THING RIGHT.
HE'S GOT THE WHOLE THING BANG ON.
THAT'S THE TRUTH OF IT.
AND SO DO YOU.
CUZ YOU'RE HERE AND SO ARE WE, YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL DOING THIS,
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU, WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH THE
DASHING TIE -- TYRA BANKS AN LATER THE EVAN RACHEL WOOD.
STICK AROUND FOR THAT.
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS STILL TALKING ABOUT THE DEBATE.
EXCEPT FOR RUDY GIULIANI WHO WENT ON TWITTER THIS MORNING TO
TALK ABOUT THE DEBAT.
THAT'S A REAL TWEET.
I LIKE HOW THERE IS A PERIOD AT THE END.
LIKE YEAH, DONE.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO SAY.
THE DE BATH.
AN REALLY THERE IS TO BETTER TWEET TO SUM UP WHAT IT WAS.
A DEBATE WHERE NOBODY COULD FINISH THEIR SENTENCES.
GIULIANI CAUGHT THE MISTAKE AND DE BLEAT-- DELETED THE TWEET UT
IF IT HAD BEEN ME, YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE, LEANED INTO IT.
SORRY GUY, MY DEBAD.
AND AT A RALLY LAST NIGHT IN MINNESOTA PRESIDENT TRUMP
BRAGGED ABOUT THE HUGE NUMBERS OF VIEWERS FOR THE DEBATE, BUT
AS USUAL TRUMPS WITH A LITTLE LOOSE WITH THE FACTS, HAVE A
LOOK.
>> IT HAS THE SECOND HIGHEST RATINGS OF OVERALL TELEVISION IN
THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.
DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHAT WAS FIRST, LIKE MASH OR SOMETHING, I
GUESS, YOU KNOW, THEY HAD THE FINAL EPISODE OF MASH AND I
DON'T KNOW, DOES ANYBODY KNOW?
>> James: YEAH, THAT WILL IMPRESS THE YOUNG VOTERS TO GET
OUT THERE.
TELL THEM ARE YOU ALMOST AS POSSIBLE LAR AS A 1970S SITCOM
ABOUT THE KOREAN WAR.
NOW JUST TO BE CLEAR, THIS WASN'T ANYWHERE NEAR THE SECOND
HIGHEST RATED PROGRAM OF ALL TIME.
FOX NEWS HAD THE LARGEST DEBATE AUDIENCE AT ALMOST 18 MILLION
VIEWERS WHILE THE LAST TEN SUPER BOWLS HAVE HAD OVER 100 MILLION
VIEWERS EACH.
BUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, IN ALL OF THIS, IS THAT TRUMP'S
A LIAR.
THAT IS WHAT HE DOES.
I DON'T THINK WE CAN GET ANY LEGAL TRUBL FOR THAT, CAE WE.
THAT IS NOT LITIGIOUS, IS IT, IAN.
THERE IS NO PROBLEM SAYING THAT.
>> NO, I WENT TO LAW SCHOOL.
WE'RE ALL GOOD.
IAN ALSO A LIAR.
HEAR'S THE THING.
IT WASN'T EVEN THE HIGHEST RATED DEBATE THAT TRUMP HAD
PARTICIPATED IN.
ALL TOTAL, 11 MILLION FEWER PEOPLE WATCHED TUESDAY'S DEBATE
THAN WATCHED THE 2016 DEBATE BETWEEN TRUMP AND HILLARY
CLINTON OR AS IT IS NOW CALLED THE SERIES FINALE OF AMERICA.
THE COMMISSION WHO RUNS PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES DOESN'T
WANT, THEY SAID THEY DON'T WANT ANOTHER CHAOTIC MESS LIKE LAST
TUESDAY NIGHT SO THEY ARE CONSIDERING GIVING THE MODERATOR
THE NEXT DEBATE THE ABILITY TO CUT OFF MICROPHONES.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE THE MODERATOR
A FIRE HOSE.
RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
BAD PRESIDENT, NAUGHTY!
CARRY ON, JOE.
STOP IT.
THAT, THAT WOULD BE THE HIGHEST RATED SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF
TELEVISION.
OUT OF THE 90 INTURNTIONS DURING THE FIRST DEBATE, 71 OF THEM
WERE COMMITTED BY TRUMP.
THE OTHER 19 WERE ME YELLING AT HOME, THAT'S IT.
WE'RE MOVING BACK TO ENGLAND.
AND DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS, DURING A BRIEFING THIS MORNING A
REPORTER CORRECTED PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PRESS SECRETARY FOR
INCORRECTLY SAYING TRUMP'S SUPREME COURT NOMINEE WAS A
PRESTIGIOUS RHODES SCHOLAR.
>> JUDGE BARRETT IS EXTREMELY WELL CALLIFIED GRADUATED SUMA
CUM LAUDE FROM LAW SCHOOL WHERE SHE ACHIEVED THE COIN PRIZE FOR
BEST RECORD IN SCHOLARSHIP AND ALSO A RHODES SCHOLAR.
>> YOU SAID SHE WAS A RHODES SCL AR, I'M NOT SURE IF THAT IS
TRUE.
>> THAT IS WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN HERE.
>> SHE ATTENDED RHODES COLLEGE SO MY BAD.
>> WHOA.
>> SORRY.
THAT IS RIGHT, SHE WENT TO RHODES COLLEGE IN TENNESSEE.
SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE NONRHODES SCHOLAR.
I'M SURPRISED SHE DIDN'T JUST DOUBLE DOWN LIKE MOST TRUMP
OFFICIALS WHEN THEY GET CAUGHT SAYING SOMETHING UNTRUE THEY
DOUBLE DOWN.
SHE SHOULD HAVE JUST GONE NO, SHE STUDIED HIGHWAY
CONSTRUCTION.
SHE IS A ROAD SCHOLAR.
IF IT WAS WRITTEN DOWN, WOULD YOU GET T A STAND BY WHAT I
SAID.
MAYBE SHE WASN'T A ROADS SCHOL AR BUT-- RODE SCHOLAR BUT SHE
DID GRADUATE MAGA CUM LAUDE.
>> THANK YOU GUILLERMO, I APPRECIATE THAT.
AND DID YOU SEE THIS, YESTERDAY THE PRESIDENT TOOK TIME OUT OF
HIS BUSY SCHEDULE TO DO SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.
HE TWEETED OUT A STUDY FROM 2018 SAYING DONE MCDONALD'S FRENCH
FRIES MAY CURE BALDNESS.
ADDING NO WONDER I DIDN'T LOSE MY HAIR.
I LIKE THAT THE COUNTRY IS A MONTH AWAY FROM AN ELECTION IN
THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC FACING A SUPREME COURT NOMINATION
BATTLE AND THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS LIKE, MAYBE
THIS IS A GOOD TIME FOR ME TO GET INTO COMEDY.
YOU ARE A STANDUP COMEDIAN, IAN, HOW WOULD TRUMP GET ON AT AN
OPEN MIC NIGHT.
>> OH, I HATE TO SAY THIS BUT I THINK HE'D DO PRETTY GOOD.
LIKE IF HE WEREN'T THE PRESIDENT, LAKE IF THAT PART,
YOU JUST FACTOR THAT OUT, HE'S KIND OF GOT GOOD COMEDIC
THIEMING AND HE LIKES FAST FOOD, HE TALKS ABOUT HOW DATING IS
WEIRD.
I THINK HE KILLS.
>> James: IT'S GOOD THAT HE HAS SOMETHING TO FALL BACK ON.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> OUR COMMUNITY HAS WORSE PEOPLE IN IT, SO YOU KNOW.
>> James: NOW DID ANYBODY WATCH THE LAKERS PLAY IN THE
FIRST GAME OF THE NBA FINALS LAST NIGHT?
DID YOU SEE IT?
DID YOU WATCH IT, IAN?
>> YEAH, I WATCHED IT.
>> James: YOU STILL NOT OVER IT RIGHT.
>> NO, NOT AT ALL.
I WON'T BE BITTER UNTIL THE DAY I DIE ABOUT THE LAKERS.
>> James: WELL, LET'S KEEP IT LIGHT WELL, IF YOU WATCHED IT
YOU WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES BECAUSE PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
ATTENDED THE GAME AS A VIRTUAL FAN.
HERE HE IS HERE.
SO TURNS OUT OBAMA IS AVAILABLE TO DO VIRTUAL APPEARANCES.
INTERESTING.
VERY, VERY INTERESTING.
OBAMA WAS SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW AT THE GAME.
NOW SURE NOT EVERYONE GETS THAT SORT OF TREATMENT.
REMEMBER, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY.
AND WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS.
AN AMBULANCE SERVICE IN THE U.K.
JUST TESTED A JET SUIT FOR PARAMEDICS THAT THEY SAY CAN
HELP SAVE LIVES.
HERE IT IS IN ACTION.
THAT'S IT, WE'RE OFFICIALLY LIVING IN THE FUTURE.
THE FUTURE SUCKS BUT WE'RE THERE.
NOW DON'T BE ALARMED.
THE AMBULANCE SERVICE WILL STILL RETAIN A NORMAL GROUND-BASED
FIRST RESPONSE TEAM TO HELP AFTER ALL OF THE JET SUIT
CRASHES.
THIS IS HOW-- Z UNLESS THE MEDIC IS CARRYING ANOTHER JET SUIT YOU
STILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR AN AMBULANCE TO GET THERE.
>> OH, THANK GOD, I LOST SO MUCH BLOOD, I'M BLEEGD.
AND THE GUY IS LIKE, SEE, THE THING IS ALL OF MY MEDICAL
SUPPLIES ARE ACTUALLY ON THE ADVANCE.
SO.
>> AND FINALLY THE BIDEN CAMPAIGN IS NOW SELLING T-SHIRTS
WITH ONE OF JOE BIDEN'S MEMORABLE LINES FROM THE DEBATE,
THE SHIRTS SAY WILL YOU SHUT UP, MAN.
AND THEY SOLD OUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.
IT IS THE PERFECT WAY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU WAITED 90
MINUTES ON THE DEBATE AND THEN ANOTHER 30 ON A T-SHIRT.
BIDEN CAMPAIGN SHOW SOLD OUT IN A MATTER OF HOURS.
MEANWHILE FOR SOME REASON THIS TRUMP CAMPAIGN SHIRT IS STILL IN
STOCK FEATURING THE MEMORABLE LINE, THE DEBAT.
AND THAT'S IT.
>> Reggie: YES.
>> James: AND THAT'S IT.
>> Reggie: RIGHTEOUS.
>> James: THAT'S IT.
THAT, THAT'S THE END OF THE MONOLOGUE.
>> WHAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT FOR YOU?
>> James: I THINK WE STARTED WELL.
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: AND THEN IT JUST, YEAH.
I THINK YOU AE BEING GENEROUS.
NO, THAT'S IT.
THAT IS THE MONO, IT HAPPENED.
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: AN WE'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.
IT WAS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT, WE'LL NEVER TELL THOSE
JOKES AGAIN.
>> Reggie: HERE CHEERS TO THE BEST MONO.
>> James: CHEERS, REG, WE DID IT.
THANKS, EVERYONE.