What's an appropriate age difference when dating?
(Music)
This is actually pretty simple.
So, the appropriate age difference when dating
it really depends on the couple.
Because if you are looking for a short-term hookup
it really doesn't matter
like if you're just in it for sex
then age doesn't matter as long as
you're attracted to each other.
But if you think that you
might become attracted to the person
and want something that's long-term
that's when it gets a little bit more complicated.
So, the bottom line
as I've said in many of my other videos
about long-term compatibility
is based on chemistry of course.
And then whatever your beliefs
and values systems are
and your long-term goals.
So, as long as your beliefs
and values systems are in alignment
they don't have to be exactly the same
but they have to be somewhat compatible,
which means you have to actually discuss things,
which takes time.
Like, you can't go through everything
and know what the other person feels like
until you've actually got to know them.
And I actually did three videos
with 12 questions each
Arthur Aaron's, questions asked to develop intimacy
and those are actually really great questions
to ask a potential partner.
If you're thinking about long-term compatibility
to see how the other person
answers those questions.
There's no right or wrong answers
but based on their answers
will help you determine if there is actually
a personality compatibility
like lifestyle compatibility,
never mind the attractiveness part of it.
Yes, you do have to have a level of attractiveness
like attraction to the other person physically
and sexually if that's important to you
and it's important to many people.
But it's also important to have
compatible values and belief systems
and that can only happen
by actually getting to know each other as people.
And then the third thing is where it also counts
especially is in long term goals
and sometimes we don't know
what our long-term goals actually are
but there are some things that we absolutely do know.
And I always go back to this one,
which is pretty fundamental is like do you want to have kids
or do you absolutely don't want to have kids?
If one person absolutely
knows they want to have kids
and they need to have a big family
and you are allergic
to the wee little needy beasts.
Then that's probably not going to be a relationship
that's going to go very far.
So, you need to know
what some of your long term goals are
in terms of big-picture stuff
that could potentially be incompatible
because you don't want to ask somebody
to not have kids.
If their whole life they know
they've wanted to have a family and
or even if they haven't known their whole life.
But if they know they want a family
and you absolutely know you do not want a family
then that is a fundamental difference
and it doesn't matter how old you are
or what the age difference is.
If that's not going to happen
if you're not in alignment
on those long-term goals
then your relationship is not going to be happy
I mean it's not going to...
It's not going to last.
And as far as like
does an older man and a younger woman work out?
Same thing it's the same question it's like
will she want children?
Are you going to be okay with her
wanting children down the road?
Are you going to be able to provide
the swimmers before those children
or is she going to need to get seed elsewhere?
You're probably going to be okay in this department,
men tend to be okay.
The other way around if you're dating an older woman
does she want kids?
Maybe she already has kids,
maybe she doesn't want anymore kids,
maybe she can't have any more kids.
Maybe her uterus has now gone into hibernation
for the rest of her days
and that's just not going to be possible.
So, if you really know you want to have kids
and she either doesn't want them or can't have them
and doesn't want to use alternative
methods of having a child
like adoption or surrogate pregnancy whatever.
Then that's something
that you need to think about.
The other thing too is just
about cultural differences
in terms of if you grew up
in a different generation
is that going to have an
impact on your relationship
like, will you be able to relate to each other.
Lots of couples who are vastly
different age differences
still get along quite well
and they are compatible.
It's more about the people, the personality,
and of course the practical aspect
is the talking about long-term goals
and what that might look like.
As well as
whether or not somebody wants to get married
or doesn't want to get married you know,
like those are things that
you kind of need to talk about.
Like, if someone is absolutely
not going to want to get married
any other person absolutely knows that
they do want to get married at some point in time
what's that going to look like.
And again, that's just really more about
values and goal knuckles
values and beliefs about certain things.
Oh, and actually one other thing,
because I was married to a man
who was yes, he still is 16 years older than I am,
but I really felt the age difference with him
because he was you know, an older person
and I was a young, young person.
And so, even though
we were together for quite a long time
it ultimately ended up
showing up in our relationship
when it came close to him wanting...
Getting near retirement age.
And I was still like kind of ready to go
and there was a bunch of other fundamental things
there were differences between us
that were challenging as well
and so that didn't work out.
And then I actually went out with a guy
who was 10 years or 11 years younger than me
and that was a challenging as well.
Because of generation difference
and just felt like
he was so young.
And I wasn't into
any of really the same things he was
so I was not being myself with him
because I had to be this younger person
and do these younger person things.
And I think that was partially because of our age
and also partially because
we were just not compatible as a couple actually.
So, you have to also know
that if you're going to be with someone
who is of significant age difference
that, that is going to actually have an influence
on your other relationships like
your friendships and what not.
You have to be okay with being in a relationship
with someone who's significantly
different age than you
and having them in your life in other areas like
you got to be comfortable
with the way other people are going to look at you.
And yes, it's about
that's like sort of an ego thing
or self-consciousness
and I definitely felt self-conscious personally
when I was with the guy who was older than me.
And I also felt self-conscious
when I was with the guy
that was significantly younger than me.
So, it depends there are some
old people with young souls
and there are some young people with old souls.
So, it really doesn't matter
except whether or not your actual personalities
and lifestyles are compatible