-Welcome to "The Tonight Show" starring
me, Jimmy Fallon.
Hi, everybody. Happy Friday.
Let's get some jokes here.
Well, guys, this Sunday is Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!
That's right, this Sunday is Mother's Day,
but experts are telling people
not to visit their moms, or hug them.
In other words, they want us to treat Mother's Day
like it's Father's Day.
You kids remembered?
You didn't? [ Laughs ]
Of course, a lot of kids had to serve their mom
breakfast in bed. That's nice.
It'd be special, if you hadn't
eaten every meal in bed for the past two months.
It's the thought that counts.
Meanwhile, I saw that 23&Me is offering a discount
on DNA testing kits for Mother's Day, yeah.
'Cause nothing says "Mother's Day" like saying,
"Are you really my mom?
Let's really find out."
Have you ever done that?
-Never.
I haven't done it either.
-I'm scared to give it up.
-Why? -It goes into the system and...
-Please.
You're already in the system.
-[ Chuckle ]
-[ Chuckle ] I'm in -- We're all in the system.
[ Laughing ] Right now, you're already in the system.
-[ Laughing ] -I just saw you walk by you.
They've cloned you already.
[ Laughter ]
Check this out. Dunkin' Donuts has started offering
DIY donut kits that come with a variety
of frosting and sprinkles.
Take a look.
It's perfect if you want to give give your kids
a 30-second activity
and yourself an hour of cleaning.
That's right, you can make your own Dunkin' Donuts at home
and, to make it authentic, the first step is
to let the donuts sit outside for 30 days.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, I saw that, after the release
of Mountain Dew-flavored Doritos, you can now buy
Mountain Dew Baja Blast lip balm.
Unfortunately, that's not all Mountain Dew is coming out with.
Take a look at this commercial.
-Mountain Dew is proud to introduce
our new Mountain Dew Baja Blast lip balm!
We ain't stoppin' there.
We got a whole slew
of Mountain Dew-inspired products
that'll get! you! amped!
I'm talkin' Citrus Assault eye drops!
See the burn!
High-octane Berry Blast Blizzard Tsunami Tylenol PM!
You're gonna sleep so hard!
Hey, Code Red toilet paper!
Flush it!
Mountain Dew! The bath salts of soda!
Yeah! [ Whip cracks ]
-Listen to this -- starting on Monday,
Amtrak will require all passengers to wear
face masks or coverings.
Meanwhile, Greyhound said you can rip off
whatever fabric is left on the seats
and make your own mask.
I read that Google told employees
that they can no longer expense their lunch
while working from home.
That's right, Google made the change
after one -- Sorry. My phone's ringing.
Pause it.
[ Chuckle ] Hello.
[ Laughs ] Hi. It's Jimmy. How are ya?
-Jimmy. -[ Laughing ]
This is -- -Why are you laughing?
-I'm laughing because I'm in middle of my monologue.
Would you mind if I put this on speaker phone?
'Cause people aren't gonna believe this.
-[ Speaks indistinctly ]
-[ Laughing ]
Here it is.
[ Laughter ] -Guys, this is --
This is Barbra -- -Recognize my laugh.
-This is Barbra Streisand on the phone.
Hi! I'm so happy you're calling.
Happy belated birthday! -Oh, well, you know,
what have I got to do all day?
You know. -[ Laughing ]
Oh, my God. -How are you doing?
What are you doing?
-Ohhh!
How am I doing, Jimmy?
Well, you know, I just made this video
and so I -- -Oh, I loved it, by the way.
I saw it. -I just wondered if you saw it.
That's all. -Ugh!
-"You'll Never Walk Alone" is one of my favorites!
And you're one of my favorites.
By the way, how do I know this is the real Barbra Streisand?
-How do you know? -What's my favorite
Barb-- Yeah. -Okay, okay.
What is it? What do you want to know?
-[ Laughing ] What's my favorite Barbra Streisand song?
Would you know? -I think -- I think it may be...
♪ People ♪ -[ Laughing ]
-♪ People who need people ♪
We all need each other now, more than ever, don't we, Jimmy?
-Oh! We really do.
I love "You'll Never Walk Alone."
I'm a big fan of "Carousel"
and, obviously -- -Oh.
-I remember you did that.
So you performed that song --
Was it after 9/11?
-Yes, yes, yes.
What I did was integrate that performance
with pictures of these amazing,
dedicated healthcare workers that are risking their lives
every day during this crisis, so, it's an ode to them
you know? -It's beautiful.
I did get to see it.
I love that you did that.
-Oh, good. And it ends
with a title card about Direct Relief,
which is an organization that supplies
very much needed protective gear to doctors and nurses, you know.
-Yeah. We love Direct Relief.
Actually, I can talk about this.
This'll be on the show tonight, if you don't mind.
I could put a chyron so people can donate to Direct Relief.
-Oh, that's so nice.
That's really nice.
Thank you for doing that.
-You've been doing amazing stuff during this whole thing
and I'm thankful that you're staying healthy
and staying at home.
Did you get to enjoy your birthday at all?
-My birthday? My birthday, I had a --
Well, we tried to have a Zoom birthday,
but it was kind of a fiasco
because I'm very technically challenged...
-[ Laughing ] -...and I didn't know you had
to be close to the computer when you're talking,
so nobody could hear me and, you know.
My friends were more competent.
They sent in little videos, which my office put together,
so it was wonderful to see everyone for like a few minutes
before I had to like say, "This is ridiculous," you know?
-[ Laughs ] That's fantastic. -So I decided that --
-Anyway. -So, I have been home, you know,
just with my husband and my dog.
My dogs. I have three of them now.
And my assistant of 47 years is just amazing.
-Wow. -But do you want to know
what I do during the day? -Yeah. Like what happens
when you wake up? -Okay.
Well, I tweet many times a day --
I don't know if you follow me, but --
to express my feelings about this administration
and what they're doing and not doing, like testing.
And then, I have to calm myself down with coffee ice cream,
but it keeps me up at night, so I can't sleep,
so I have to eat it for breakfast,
but my breakfast is 12:00 noon
because I stay up till 4:00 in the morning, see?
-[ Laughs ] -Reading the news
and researching companies to invest in for my foundation.
That's how I raise funds so I can give money to great causes.
-You are fascinating and you give to so many causes.
You really do so much giving,
which is an awesome thing that you do.
-Well, I wanted to help New York, so I, you know,
gave a lot of PPE to Mount Sinai in New York
'cause that's where my son was born.
And in L.A., it's UCLA
and Cedars-Sinai and Saint John's,
'cause they need medical equipment, you know?
-They really do. -We're giving to organizations
that help people who are hungry, like America's Food Fund
and Feeding America; the World Health Organization,
which, we really need them...
-Oh! -...by the way, so.
I'm also thinking about the next election
and I've been contributing to organizations
like Rock the Vote, Indivisible, America Votes,
which help people get registered
because we want to make sure everyone can exercise
their right to vote in November safely,
which means we need to make it possible to vote by mail.
You've heard about all this, right?
-Yeah. You should mail in your votes.
Get on it right now and get it in there, yeah.
-You know, we have to do that to ensure one person, one vote.
We have to get rid of the electoral college, too.
-Yeah. -But am I talking too much...
-No! Not at all! -...politics?
[ Laughs ] -You can talk for the rest here.
I just love that you called.
[ Laughing ] I happened to be doing the monologue.
It wasn't that great of a joke, either.
I'm not even gonna tell you what it was.
-What kind of monologue are you doing
today? -Oh, you know,
I'm doing some Mother's Day jokes, you know.
I'm talking about, uh -- Amtrak jokes.
There's nothing really --
-You're trying to -- Yeah, right.
-I'm trying to make people smile.
[ Laughs ] -I think you're right.
I think we have to laugh.
If not, you know, we would be crying, so.
I think you're doing a good job, honey.
-Barbra, love you so much,
and maybe I'll give you a call later.
We'll have some Zoom cocktails for your birthday.
-Okay, that one I just didn't quite hear,
but what did you just say? It broke up.
-I'm gonna Zoom you later.
Maybe we'll have some cocktails for your birthday.
-No, don't Zoom me. Call me on the phone
because I'm not a Zoomer, okay?
-I love you so much. -Have a good show, honey.
-Thank you. I will have a great show.
Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.
Good to hear from you, bud. -You're so welcome.
Love you. Bye-bye. -Love you.
[ Laughs ]
-I mean, legendary. -Come on. Come on.
-The best.
-That's so weird 'cause I put it in the thing.
I said I loved her. "You Will Never Walk Alone,"
which is one of my favorites from "Carousel."
I go, "I love Barbra Streisand. I love her version of that song.
And it's so fitting now. It's moving. It'll make you cry."
Shows all the people working on the front lines.
And so I just put -- See? She's magic.
She is magical.
Already the show's off the rails.
This is the craziest show with Bootsy and Bill Murray,
Mark Ruffalo, Guy Fieri, Miranda Lambert.
Okay, let me finish the monologue here.
Listen to this. Starting on Monday, Amtrak will require --
[ Laughs ]
I love that she called.
I read that Google told employees
that they can no longer expense their lunch working from home.
Google made the change after one employee's lunch
was a steak, a Nintendo Switch, and a pool table.
And finally, I saw that
there's a new "Breaking Bad" Monopoly board game.
It's just like the regular game except Mr. Monopoly
is wearing tighty-whities and a gas mask.
That is our monologue right there and one for the books.
Oh, my goodness.
Guys, it's time for thank-you notes.
-Jimmy always devotes time for thank-you notes.
-Alright, it's Friday. I usually write out
my weekly thank-you notes right now.
So, I like to write out my thank-you notes.
And so I was wondering, Franny,
can I get some thank-you note writing music please?
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, grocery list in 2020,
for looking like everyone's from college --
frozen pizza, Pop Tarts, and beer.
[ Laughter ]
Alright. Alright. Let's wait.
Hold on. Don't overdo it, right?
Alright, let's wait. Alright, here we go.
Thank you, home-made Mother's Day cards,
for letting kids show Mom
they love her best way they know how -- by drawing her
with 20 fingers per hand, wings and bigger than the house.
[ Laughs ]
Alright.
Go to the next one.
Thank you, Santa,
for being the original no-contact delivery person.
Sorry, for being the original no-contact delivery service.
Sorry, there was no music, and I got distracted as well.
♪♪
Thank you, wearing a skull face mask,
for saying "I want to look like I can rob you"
while also letting you know that I care about your grandma.
-Winnie, move your hand. Thank you.
-Alright, go to the next one.
And move your hand away.
Music.
Thank you, Tom Cruise, signing on to shoot a movie in space,
for giving us chance to see a blooper reel
with the sound guy getting sucked out of an airlock.
[ Laughs ] Go to the next one.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you -- Thank you --
[ Laughter ]
Alright, alright.
One second. One second. Let me try this one, ready?
Stop. What are you doing?
Thank you, "I had a crazy day," for now meaning
"I ordered takeout and I got the mail."
Is that worth it?
Yep. Go, next one.
Thank you, drive-through birthday parties,
for being a fun way for kids to see their friends
and a dream come true for parents.
Happy birthday, Monica, and it's over.
We don't have to stay two hours.
Ah, we love you. Just go, guys.
♪♪
Thank you, social distancing, for doing the impossible --
making me nostalgic about elevator small talk.
[ Laughter ]
-Next?
Next? -Yep.
-Franny, quit wasting our time!
-Wow, let's go. Here we go.
Thank you. Go, last one.
Thank you, buying Cinco de Mayo margaritas by the gallon,
for letting us experience hangovers family style.
There you go.
[ Laughter ]
That's "Thank You Notes," everybody.