'Don't make a move now'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time’
You know how B movie aliens are always perplexed by really simple human concepts.
'Hop in, I'll give you a lift.'
'Lift?'
That’s what Larry Buchanan thinks the Scottish are like.
‘Is it true Americans go to the pictures more than once a month & look at magazines with pictures of naked women?’
'...yes.'
This is the Loch Ness Horror.
‘Nessie is the greatest mystery of our time’
and I don’t want get bogged down in how unlike Scotland this is.
Blue sky? Who are you kidding?
‘The young man’s right Jack’
Or how the accents all based around the belief that if you roll your r’s it sounds Scottish.
‘Start at thew mouth of the river fairgauge’
Or the fact that whoever wrote this has clearly never met anyone Scottish.
‘Never use profanity on the loch, it's bad luck’
Seriously; never.
But I do think you’ve got mention this level of racial stereotyping.
‘The one that takes the cake is mad Scotsman of Killkranky island’
The idea that north of Hadrian’s wall time stopped around 1900.
‘When a girl has the devil in her’
But at least it’s even handed enough to stereotype the English as well
‘Very shortly I think we’re going to have a sticky wicket when it comes to our commander's long service’
that’s exactly what we’re all like.
‘I think we’d better return to the real world’
Having shattered the outdated preconceptions of 75% of our viewers
‘This is no time for your Highland superstitions’
I’ll move onto the film.
‘Nessie’s out there someplace, I'd bet my last bottle of scotch on it’
which is mostly about the desperate quest to find the Loch Ness monster.
‘We begged, we borrowed, we stole every piece of gear we could get our hands on’
and you ended up with a yellow inflatable dinghy?
‘Isn’t it amazing what money can do?’
Then when they do find her she turns out to be a disembodied neck on a pole.
Now in fairness it is hard to realise a good looking monster on a budget.
and so Buchanan bulks out his story with axe murder.
and a crashed Nazi plane.
‘It overshot London’
and hit Loch ness?! No wonder they lost the war!
‘matters at the time were desperate for the British, Hitler's savage U-Boat attacks...'
This tedious sub-plot is explained using the map he keep lying around just in case someone asks questions about the events of 35 years ago.
‘Donald Gregory. You know him as Sir Gregory’
That would actually make him Sir Donald.
‘That’s peculiar’
But I guess that’s the sort of mistake you expect from someone who thinks Loch Ness is just past London.
‘What the hell do you mean by that?’
Maybe I’m letting this stuff cloud my judgement.
‘I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explantion for everything’
Maybe if I just looked at the film it wouldn’t be all that bad
‘Are you crazy man?’
but here’s the sticky wicket; I can’t see what’s going on.
‘It’ll be light soon’
No it won’t, every scene is bathed in darkness.
That was Nessie eating someone I didn’t even realise he was dead!
‘This girl has seen or experienced something very horrible’
Then she must have been wearing night vision goggles.
Usually when I say a film is hard to watch I don’t mean it literally!
‘So what is the sum of it all?’
and it’s really not worth it the effort.
‘You’re lying’
Particularly if you’re Scottish.
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