"You know they let me pick whatever spartan I wanted?
Like how you get to pick out your dog at the pet store.
Just as the other spartans you were swift and strong, a natural born leader.
But you had something the others didn't.
A bag of pretzels.
And then by the time I actually got done doing the paperwork,
You ate them all.
I hate you.
Come the fuck on!
Hurry!
How long does it take to fall out of space?
Wu-wa!
And I fuckin' rushed, and gunned, and then
look, I got fuckin' killed.
Damn...
He got meteorite crash frozen
and now he's stuck
doing the robot dance.
I don't fucking get it.
And we never even pronounced
his name right.
The name's Master Ch- (Xbox notification)
But you can just call me C-House.
Here I was thinkin' it was Mother Goose.
OH, WATCH OUT GUYS! IT'S BARBITER
I GOTEM' I GOTEM' I GOTEM'
I gotcha now, Barbiter!
No, Master Chief, remember Halo 2? He's a good guy now!
Remember dat?
Naw, I didn't even play that one, man.
I'M MEGA MAN!
Here, ya go, C-House take this piece of shit.
You said I was Mega Man!
The really fun part about Halo 3
OH MY RIBS!
OH MY HEAD!
Is that Cortana constantly
breaks up the action
with her stupid ass cinemati-
OH LOOK AT THE PELICAN!
N-NONONONO
Alright, deputy, what's the, uh, plot on this one, what's the premise here?
Uh, I don't even really know, really
it's just shooting, y'know, aliens
and just it's about havin' fun.
Y'know, at the end of the day
It's about havin' fun.
Uh, what do you think, Zordon from Power Rangers?
Hmmmm...
My balls itch.
(Piano)
And then you're on the highway,
Life is a highway!
Highway to hell!
(Hums Life is a Highway)
There in the scorpion,
you shoot em' off,
and then fucking jump off,
and then, it, like, BAAAAAAAAAAAW
YEAH!!!
BITCH I'M HUNGRY.
Then Gobus boy gets it at this part,
then the pianos like, Du du da
Bu ba
Ere'body go in.
(Dozens of ships checking in at the same time)
Oh, folks, we're going to hell. Murdering us all.
This. Is the way the world ends.
Roger dat, roger dat.
Then all the spaceships get sucked in the giant surge,
But then the Flood spaceship
comes in and is like, "WEEEOOORRGH, we can't aim for shit,"
BOOM,
and then, and then, it's like
bang, bang, bang,
VVFVFVFVFVFVFVFVFVF
Cortana still won't shut the fuck up,
uh, fuckin' Evil Circ,
Sargent Dude goes on a sneak mission,
completely unnoticed, steals all the convenience store's guns,
and then there is like this space fight.
Star Wars.
And then there's a desert part,
And then there's a tank part,
And then this part like, yeeeeaaaah, youknowwhatI'msayin?
And then there's a monkey part,
And then there's a robot part,
And then it's a Pelican part, and then...
And then Sargent Dude gets captured
for the fiftieth time this game
"I'll never tell you the cheat codes
for Halo! You'll have to fuck it out of me!"
"I may be an old-ass bitch,
but if you don't think I've played Halo 2, then you must
(background "PELICAN") think I'm a total dickhead
everyone knows you're gay, Sargent Dude,
[window shatters, PELICAN SCREECH]
"Freeze, scumbags, anybody order a FUCKIN' PIZZA?"
"Deep dish pepperoni right here, my man.
Lay it on me. Let's get this pizza-"
[GUNSHOT]
"Why da fuck did you do dat?!"
"There's mushrooms on this."
"Duh, we wanna be the good guys now."
"No, that doesn't make any sense. You're the bad guys for the whole,
th-series. You can't just change to be good guys now-"
"No, we're the good guys now."
Goddammit. So I guess the Flood are the good guys now.
Mega Man's like
"BITCH,"
kills that old dude,
[CREATURE]
Aw, shit, that was the Flood Grandpa that you killed,
you idiot!
Well, that was short-lived. Now the Flood are the
evil bad guys again.
"Did somebody say 'evil bad guy?'
Follow meeee!"
"I'm Mega Man!"
Oh no. This is the mission where the-Halo's like
"you know what, you need two people-"
BWUUUUUUUURM
two people to interrupt you during your, uh,
"I'm still hun-gry!"
so you gotta navigate through thi-
BWUUUUUUURM
EEEEEAAAAAHHHHH
BWUUUURM
EEAAAAH
BWUUUUU
EAAAAAHH
BWUEABWUEABWUEABWUEA
BWUEABWUEABWUEABWUEA "Nooooooo"
"Let's set 'er down nice and easy, nice-"
Who taught you how to fuckin' drive, the Flood?"
BZZZHHHH, "AH HA HA, I WAS EVIL ALL ALONG!"
"Son of a bitch, I knew you were evil the whole time!" "-No,
"no," BWAAAAMP
"you didn't know, you didn't-"
"Fuck you, Evil Circ! And fuck circles, and fuck geometry!" "Wait a minute, it turns out
-I'm not evil!" "Fuck you! Die!"
"I'm not evil the whole-"ZZHHHBWOOOOSH
sssshhhhhhhh
"He got me, Robocop. He got me good.
Who could have possibly guessed he was evil the whole time?"
Players will lose interest in the singleplayer campaign!
How-how they gonna keep the series fresh without Sargent Dude, you know?
No, you know what they gotta do?
They gotta...
...I'm dead."
dugguda DUN,
dugguda DUUUN,
DUGGUDA DUUUUN
[SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL SCORE]
[WARTHOG CRASHES] (muffled) "I'm Mega Man!"
[ORCHESTRAL SCORE CONTINUES]
[IMPACT]
"UUUUUUHHHHHHH
(garbled) DO THE PIANO! DO THE PIANO PART IT'S PERFECT!"
[PIANO PART]
[TRIUMPHANT ORCHESTRAL SCORE]
"'I see a beautiful city, and a brilliant people, rising from this abyss.
I see the lives for which I laid down my life, peaceful, useful.
Prosperous and happy.
I see that I hold a sanctuary in their hearts,
and in the hearts of their descendants, generations hence.
It is a far, far better thing that I do,
than I have ever done.
It is a far, far better rest that I go to
than I have ever known.'
I got that from, uh, Batman.
Master Chief was our Batman.
Yes, I said 'Master Chief,' goddammit.
He sacrificed himself so that there would never be another Halo game.
I mean, come on now, Halo 2 was pushing' it.
Heh. *rim shot* Joey Bonzo, ladies and gentlemen.
But, but, seriously, folks.
This really is the last Halo game, ever.
I guarantee it."
OR IS IIIIIT