YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME HAND-STITCHING YOU A BESPOKE
SUIT OF A MONOLOGUE OUT OF THE BIGGEST, FINEST NEWS STORIES.
I DO IT EVERY NIGHT OVER THERE, MY LITTLE SEWING MACHINE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GATHER UP ALL THE LEFTOVER FABRIC, SEW
THE PIECES TOGETHER, SLAP SOME GOOGLY EYES ON IT, STICK MY ARM
UP THERE, AND PERFORM THE ONE-MAN PUPPET SHOW THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY SAID IT COULDN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
CAN'T STOP-- YOU CAN'T STOP MILE!
YOU CANNOT STOP "MEANWHILE."
BULLETS CAN'T STOP IT.
MEANWHILE, BIG NEWS FOR MARVELS FANS.
"'AVENGERS: ENDGAME' IS HEADED BACK TO THEATERS WITH NEW
FOOTAGE."
YEAH!
FINALLY, FINALLY, SOMETHING FOR ALL THOSE FANS WHO SAID, "THREE
HOURS IS NOT LONG ENOUGH!
I WANT MY BLADDER TO RUPTURE IN THE THEATER."
SO WHY THE THEATRICAL RE-RELEASE?
TURNS OUT IT'S BECAUSE "ENDGAME IS JUST $45 MILLION SHY OF THE
ALL-TIME WORLDWIDE BOX OFFICE RECORD."
OH, YOU THINK IF YOU TOSS A COUPLE EXTRA SCENES IN A MARVEL
MOVIE, COMIC BOOK FANS ARE JUST GONNA LINE UP AND FORK OVER $45
MILLION?
YOU FOOLS.
THEY'RE GOING TO FORK OVER $100 MILLION.
MEANWHILE, ON TUESDAY "16.5 TONS OF COCAINE WAS SEIZED AT THE
PHILADELPHIA PORT," WITH "AN ESTIMATED STREET VALUE OF
$1 BILLION."
IT'S A GOOD THING DRUG CARTEL KINGPINS ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR
FORGIVING ATTITUDES.
"HELLO, SIR.
HELLO, SIR.
DID YOU SEE THE NEWS?
YEAH.
ALL 16-- ALL 16 TONS ARE GONE.
ANYWAY, I JUST STARTED HERE A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, SO DO YOU
THINK YOU COULD POSSIBLY MAYBE NOT DISSOLVE ME IN A BARREL OF
ACID?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
HA, YES, THIS IS WHY PENCILS HAVE ERASERS, SIR!
OK, SEE YOU AT THE TEAM-BUILDING RETREAT!"
THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE )
ASKED HER COLLEAGUES FOR A MARIAH CAREY CAKE FOR HER
BIRTHDAY AND INSTEAD RECEIVED A MARIE CURIE CAKE."
AND HERE IT IS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIOBAHN!
WE GOT YOU THE HAUNTED, BALEFUL GAZE OF A FEMALE SCIENTIFIC
PIONEER SLOWLY SACRIFICING HER LIFE FOR MANKIND.
THAT IS BLEAK.
AND WHOEVER THE BAKER IS, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY WITH THOSE
PINK CUPCAKES UP THERE.
THAT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR DAD STARTED WEARING THAT HAT AFTER
THE DIVORCE.
(AS DAD) "I'M NOT DEPRESSED.
LOOK AT MY JAUNTY FEDORA."
MEANWHILE, AN "ALABAMA MAN ALLEGEDLY FED HIS ATTACK
SQUIRREL METH TO KEEP IT AGGRESSIVE."
AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, "DOES THE GUY LOOK
EXACTLY LIKE I THINK HE DOES?" YES, HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU
THINK HE DOES.
ALSO, WHY GIVE A SQUIRREL METH?
I ASSUMED SQUIRRELS WERE ALREADY ON METH.
THEY CAN SPRINT VERTICALLY UP A TREE WITH THEIR BARE HANDS TO
GUARD THEIR COLLECTION OF GARBAGE THEY FOUND IN THE PARK.
( LAUGHTER )
FOLKS.
WHEN AUTHORITIES FOUND THE METHED-OUT SQUIRREL, THEY
"RELEASED IT INTO THE WILD."
SO NOW THE WOODLAND CREATURES HAVE A NEW FRIEND...
WHO NEVER SLEEPS AND IS GOING TO STEAL THE MOOSE'S XBOX.
MEANWHILE, TEENS.
OH, NO!
WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME, TEENS?
NEW RESEARCH SUGGESTS THAT "PHONE USE IS TO BLAME FOR HORNS
GROWING ON YOUNG PEOPLE'S SKULLS."
THAT'S RIGHT, SMARTPHONES ARE RESHAPING YOUR CHILD'S SKULL.
NOT SO WORRIED ABOUT TIDE PODS NOW, ARE YOU?
( LAUGHTER )
APPARENTLY, YOUNG PEOPLE ARE LOOKING DOWN AT THEIR PHONES SO
MUCH THAT THEY'RE "DEVELOPING HORN-LIKE SPIKES AT THE BACK OF
THEIR SKULLS, BONE SPURS CAUSED BY THE FORWARD TILT OF THE
HEAD."
OKAY, KIDS, DON'T PANIC.
WHEN DONALD TRUMP TRIES TO SEND YOU TO FIGHT IN IRAN NEXT MONTH,
THOSE BONE SPURS ARE GOING TO COME IN REALLY HANDY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NAOMI WATTS.