Are you guys dating? You guys? (crowd laughs)
You have to eat her pussy. (crowd laughs)
Tonight, I want you to eat her pussy, okay? (crowd laughs)
(quirky music plays)
So I'm single, (crowd laughs)
and I'm on Tinder.
Is anyone here on Tinder? (crowd cheers)
Wow. Those were nice woo's.
You guys seem like you're having a good time. (crowd laughs)
I am not. Fuck Tinder.
Tinder's like ordering food online where, like,
the picture looks good, then it gets to your house.
You're like, "That's not what I fucking ordered."
(crowd laughs)
So I matched with this guy named Nick.
I would tell you his last name,
but that's not what Tinder's about. (crowd laughs)
His first message to me was,
"Puerto Rican, Black or Mexican? Let's talk about it."
So I said, "Are you asking what I am? I'm real black."
He said, "That was my inference,
could have gone either way though."
So I said, "Cool. What are you?
White, white trash, privileged white or rapey white?"
(crowd laughs) (crowd claps) Thank you for clapping.
I also clapped alone in my room when I wrote it.
(crowd laughs)
True story.
I was like, "Good one, girl. Get him." (crowd laughs)
He then responded with, "Rapey white."
That's the most fun. People don't see it coming.
(crowd gasps)
Wow, Nick.
I didn't go out with him,
but I also didn't un-match him,
'cause that's called desperation.
Truly, I am in these streets like Ms. Pac-Man
trying to catch a dick.
I'm like (imitates Pac Man chomping sound) (crowd laughs)
So then I matched with Jordan.
Jordan's first message to me was,
"Well first of all, before I say anything,
how do you feel about butt stuff?" (crowd groans and laughs)
That is such a personal question, Jordan.
If we're talking penetration,
then we have to be in a relationship and it's a treat,
but if you're going to eat it, eat it. (fake laughs)
(crowd laughs)
Get back there and eat your dinner. (crowd laughs)
But then I was just like, "That's too much information."
So I just said, "I love butt stuff." (crowd laughs)
So then he says, "It involves whipped cream.
I saw a really kinky porno of it.
Basically the nozzle goes in your ass, fills your butt.
You shoot it onto my dick and then you suck it off."
(gasps) (crowd laughs)
Oh my... (gasps)
What the fuck, Jordan?
That's the first thing you say
to a woman you just met, Jordan?
You're not my friend, Jordan. (crowd laughs)
You want me to get E. coli, Jordan. (crowd laughs)
That's some human centipede shit, Jordan. (crowd laughs)
But also, what would it feel like
to have your butt filled with whipped cream? (crowd laughs)
Would it be like (makes sound) (crowd laughs)
I'll tell ya, it felt great. (crowd laughs)
(crowd cheers and claps)
I wish Tinder had a rating system,
kind of like Yelp, you know? (crowd laughs)
So you can read five star reviews
before you go out with a dude.
It'd be like,
"David, 29, employed, big dick, doesn't eat pussy."
Next. (crowd laughs)
'Cause the only way to find out that David doesn't eat pussy
is when you're laying in bed with David
and he's not eating your pussy,
and if you expect me to put your dirty dick in my mouth,
with your balls hitting my chin,
'cause I have no gag reflex.
I'll suck a dick. I will suck a dick.
I like to suck a dick, but you have to eat my pussy.
You have to. (crowd laughs)
Are you guys dating? You guys? (crowd laughs)
You have to eat her pussy.
Tonight I want you to eat her pussy. (crowd cheers)
Okay? Ma'am, ma'am.
I want you to straddle that man, and say, "Eat my pussy."
(crowd cheers)
Sir, I want you to say, "Yes, ma'am."
(makes eating sounds) (crowd laughs)
I want you to milk her clit with your mouth.
I want you to eat it. (crowd cheers)
Are you going to do it? (crowd laughs)
That was a pretty enthusiastic yes.
You're like, "Mm-hmm."
Do it now. No, I'm kidding. (crowd laughs)
Imagine. Oh boy, I love comedy.
I just changed your life. (crowd laughs)
I'm not good at dating.
I tried a dating app once. I tried OkCupid.
Uh, okay. I heard some judgment from the back.
(crowd laughs)
Look. I didn't know. I didn't know it was a bad one.
I should've known. The name sounds like giving up.
Just like, "Okay, Cupid. You take a stab." (crowd laughs)
I just don't like dating apps,
because I feel like people curate
these really fake opening lines.
They'll just copy and paste and use on everybody.
I talked to a guy who told me on Tinder,
his opening line, no matter who it was was, uh,
"So do you like sunrises or sunsets?" (crowd laughs)
That's me choking on his dick, 'cause that's a great line.
I mean, that's... (crowd laughs)
That's poetry. That's like, a, a haiku, I think.
Check my math, but... (crowd laughs)
That line's a Trader Joe's bag. You should reuse it.
(crowd laughs)
I had a guy on OkCupid send me an emoji as an opening line.
Not a cute one, not like a heart, or a kissy face,
or even an eggplant, which is gross, but I get it.
He sent me one of these. (crowd laughs)
You know, the one you never touch,
'cause it looks like Pac-Man getting a colonoscopy?
Half of you won't enjoy this joke,
'cause you don't know what I'm talking about.
That's how rarely this emoji is used. (crowd laughs)
And I responded, because I was like,
"I gotta make sure this guy doesn't hurt anybody."
(crowd laughs)
So I wrote back and I said, "Does this work for you?
Do people respond 'cause they're confused?
Are you negging me? What's happening here?"
And he goes, "Well, the way a woman responds to the emoji
tells me a lot about her character."
And I said, "All right, Detective Doucherocket.
(crowd laughs)
What does my response tell you about my character?"
And he goes, "Well, it tells me you're really transparent.
Honesty's super important to you,
and you have trouble trusting people." (crowd laughs)
That emoji works. (crowd laughs)
We should get coffee or married.
I don't know. (crowd laughs)
Doctor Doucherocket, I'm sorry. (laughs) (crowd laughs)
Now, I'm dating. I'm actually dating.
This is weird, man. It's weird.
I was married for a long time.
You know, I've dated some girls my age,
some a little younger.
That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed.
These girls fuck fast. They fuck fast, and they leave.
They just get the fuck out your house. (crowd laughs)
They just fuck and leave. I'm like, "Where you going?"
(crowd laughs)
It's your place. (crowd laughs)
They used to want to cuddle or something.
Those motherfuckers be gone. (crowd laughs)
And they fuck immediately. I'm a grown man.
And I'm like, "This is inappropriate."
(crowd laughs and claps)
My God.
The young girls like to get on top,
always want to get on top.
Let me ride it, daddy. Let me get on top. (crowd laughs)
Let me ride. Let me get on top.
Let me ride it. Let me ride it.
Let me ride.
You can't get no 45 year old woman to get on top.
She's like, "Nigga, you lucky I'm laying like this."
(crowd laughs)
I'll turn over to help you finish, but that's about it.
(crowd laughs)
These knees are delicate. (crowd laughs)
But those young girls, like, let me get on top.
Let me get on top. Let me ride it.
Let me get on top.
I'm laying back. This girl's bouncing on my dick.
I can't tell if I'm fucking or changing oil. (crowd laughs)
Let me get on top. Let me get on top.
Let me ride it. Let me ride it. (crowd cheers)
Shit, I'm on Tinder right now under my own name.
(crowd laughs)
My friends were like, "You can't be under your own name.
What if you find a woman that just wants you 'cause you're Chris Rock?
I'm like, "But I am Chris Rock." (crowd laughs)
"What should I put? Cedric the Entertainer?"
(crowd laughs and claps)
Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now
is me butt naked, holding a microphone and a tamborine.
(crowd laughs)
Hey, I'm out of here. Y'all take care. (crowd cheers)
Thank you.
(crowd cheers)
(hip hop music plays)