I need some help!
I have some hunting memories that I'm really having trouble
letting go of or knowing how to deal with.
And I can get to the place where
I can take is so far and then there is a 'Yeah, but!'
I think there is a piece of 'I can't forgive myself.'
My identity is attached to this
guilt and kind of self-flagellation, I don't know.
I was a member of an intentional community for about 24 years
and it started off pretty good, but over time the group leader got more and more controlling
and I stayed even though it didn't feel right.
And one of the things that he controlled in the group was the manner in which we raise our children.
And I punished my kids,
hit them with the stick, did things that I haven't been able to come in turns with.
And one of the hardest things for me is
that I knew it wasn't right, I knew it wasn't right
but
it was the type of situation where you're either in or out
and I was married and had three kids and
had kind of put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak.
I need some help!
What is happening now: the tendency is still there, the old regime of thinking is still there
habits are still there, because we are still identified with the person you imagine you still are or used to be
and those memories are seeping through from time to time
but if you pay attention where you are being guided to now and from now
that all the things you talk about you're aware of them
you're aware of them as past, you're aware of how they feel presently
you're aware of the memories of them
you're aware that they are not true in this moment anymore
although they bring up pain when they come.
Where are you looking at these from?
Are you looking at these from a place of the past?
Are you now in the past?
Or are you not looking at the past?!
If you have a strong idea 'I have got to make up for this!'
then you have not the urge to take it on.
That's when I am looking at it from the past
as the person I was in the past.
Because something might be feeling inside: 'I need to be punished for this' or 'I need to do something to correct this thing'
And so something is retained from that period of time in the memory
even though maybe your children have gone past it, maybe they may have gotten over that.
Some people they don't all behave the same way through the same circumstances.
Sometimes they may have grown beautifully because of something that happened.
But because in your mind it was so wrong ... and did you speak with your children about it?
A little bit. They are still in the group.
They are still there? Yes.
They are some sort of brainwashed, you know
part of it was:
I really didn't fit in, you know. I had my own mind and I would speak my truth
and it was really looked down upon
I finally left, I was pushed aside, banished
and so over the years they've
gotten the message that I wasn't a good mother and I was someone they shouldn't associate with.
You have to be willing - at least for a while - to leave all of that side
you may go back to that when you are from a greater place and look at that
don't try to be taking care of that now when you are here.
Try and get the best while you are here now
and then with that strength you can look and see if there is anything you can do about that, if that past is still alive for you
Okay
So when I look in every direction and it's there.
Then what?!
OK, let's take it from there then. Let's accept that your words could be true.
In every direction you look this thing is up in front there
then don't try to avoid it, then be fully present with it
and the thing is that you say: 'Ok, this is burning right now.'
But you who are looking at it
that which is looking in every direction, OK
Are you that thing which you are looking at?
No!
This is the most important first step to take is to look and see
that from were the seeing is arising from, is that place poisoned?
Is it contaminated?
Because it can sense the sense of contamination.
It can sense the sense of the person and the person's pain
but is IT a person?
No!
I would like you to put some attention on just being one there
and try to see 'OK, all this I can see
in every direction, north, west, east, south
in every direction that is looked
these images are coming
up down they're looking
but that which is looking
is that trapped in the bubble of those feelings?
In spite of saying this even that the one who is looking is not trapped in the memory of that thing that is being seen
maybe there is still so much charge, so much power
in the imagery and the memory and the identity
that you know ...
is there nowhere to go, are you locked in the identity?
Not 100% of the time!
No, but often!
Which means what? It means that you attention is there, your attention is there with it?!
Isn't there something that is aware of your attention being there
which itself is not involved in that?!
Yes!
Yes, this place you must give more attention to!
Bring your attention not to the crime scene
but to stay in the place where the attention itself is watched!
Do you follow this?
It depends also what you want!
If you feel like 'No, what I want is to tackle that thing!'
'I want to do something about that thing!'
Then you will keep your identity and you won't be able to go beyond the identity!
You see?!
But if what you really want is just to be in your truth
Yes, that is what I want!
Then we can work with this!
I see I go
I feel this pull
and then my mind gets involved in.
Maybe I just need to really get into the depths of this and I haven't felt it enough or hadn't gone through it
I tell you to go into the depth of it gets you nowhere
but you're just getting entangled and sick for no reason,
it benefits nobody, waste of time
because you may think you're going deeper and deeper inside
but you're just going deeper and deeper in your mind
Thank you!
The thing is gone, it's finished
it's finished
but somehow
it's like something is hooking in
it's almost to use the memory of these things to sabotage the present opportunity you have to be free
and you alone can change this also!
You see, like that.
It's important that these things go
because it's not like you're living with your children and they're suffering
there is nothing you can do
they are adults now
and they are living in their own choices
you see, for now
that may change also
at some point for them
and it may not change also
it may continue ... spending their rest of their life in that community
and nothing you can do about it
you see
we need to face some things
there are some things in life you can do nothing about them
you can do nothing sometimes.
People that you love
and they have it in their mind to go and do something and you cannot stop them
you cannot help them,
totally helpless!
Can you live with that?
Yes, you can live with it!
It's life!
In fact it shows you that nobody belongs to you!
Not even you!
Thank you! It was very very helpful!
Because these things now the begin to just blow off.
Rather than being a container for suffering
why not being full of freedom?!
You see, option is with you!
And only guilt can make you feel 'No'
because some people 'How can I be happy when these people are sad?!'
This is a very bad deal!
Because to be sad helps nobody at all!
Except some sick-minded people who feel better to see you sad.
So it does no good at all!
And you can forget about God enjoying punishing you. This is another kind of stupidness!
It's not like that!
So use your full power now
you know, because Grace brought you out of that situation
and you are here now also
big space, fresh air, you're alive, you're healthy
you have a lot of light and power to shine from your life,
don't waste it on these old memories!