-Thank you.
I -- so, I'm not famous.
But if I look familiar,
it's because I look exactly like the emoji guy
that's like, "What?"
[ Laughter ]
And I'm also dressed like this so I look like a bouncer
at a "Ted" talk.
[ Light laughter ]
I'm from Wisconsin,
if you can tell that by my accent and stuff.
Whoo. Um, yeah.
But New Yorkers don't know how to receive my energy.
They're always like, "Hey, what's that on your face?"
And I'm like, "It's a smile."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I have joy in my heart.
And then I give it all away every day.
And then I wake up the next day and I'm like, "Oh there's more."
[ Light laughter ]
Because that's what it feels like to be not from New York.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I wish I was a more rugged, bad boy.
You know, like, no women ever look at me like, "Oh, man.
I bet Pete's going to ravage me all night."
[ Laughter ]
But there are woman that look at me like,
"I bet Pete has good penmanship."
[ Laughter ]
You know, and I do.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, look at my face.
I'm tall, dark, and pleasant.
[ Laughter ]
I look like I stay in shape by only flying kites.
[ Laughter ]
Like, "Dude, you are getting jacked."
"Yeah, it's been gusty."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"You don't even know."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And women always say that they want a bad boy.
Well, my whole thing is, no, you don't.
[ Laughter ]
You don't. Right?
Which would you rather have, a guy that's like,
"Oh, my God, your rack looks great in that dress."
Or would you rather have me who's like,
"Oh, my God, that dress has pockets."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Women love dresses with pockets.
If you love a woman and you want to blow her mind,
go steal her favorite dress out of the closet.
Take it to a tailor, have him install pockets.
[ Light laughter ]
Take her out on her dream date and in the middle of the date,
be like,
"Hey, honey, can you put my Chapstick in your pocket?"
And she'll be like,
"What, I don't have any pockets in this --
oh, my God, there's pockets!"
[ Laughter ]
"Pockets!"
I really got into that one.
[ Laughter ]
I think I'm a sensitive guy because I grew up
idolizing my dad.
I was like, "That's what's men are like,
and I want to be like that."
The only problem is my dad was an interior decorator.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, my dad gave me my "Y" chromosome.
It's just mine was in cursive.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That was a good one.
[ Laughter ]
All my friends, they had cool redneck dads growing up.
You know, they'd be like,
"My dad is taking me hunting this weekend."
I'd be like, "Oh mine, too, you know, for bargains."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"I got a deer."
I'd be like, "I got an ottoman."
[ Laughter ]
I remember one time, one of my friends, he goes,
"My dad taught me how to catcall women."
And I was, "Oh, just as important,
my dad taught me that women are people."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, right?
Who knew that until last year, right?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I did. I knew the whole time.
[ Laughter ]
I knew my whole life.
Oh, I'm such a feminist.
Oh, cripes.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
I'm such a feminist,
I don't even use those credit-card-chip readers
until it tells me that I can.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Have you ever tried to put your card in too early?
It's like, quack-quack-quack. I'm like --
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm not a bad guy, all right?
[ Laughter ]
I respect you.
I hate conflict, but I got into a tussle today.
I know, you guys are like, "Wow, this guy tussles."
Oh, yeah, I do.
[ Laughter ]
I tussle a tidbit.
[ Laughter ]
I got into a tussle with a motion-sensor sink.
Isn't that the worst technology?
Because I'm just standing there waving my hand.
Like, how pale am I?
[ Laughter ]
This things looking at my hand like,
"No, that's just more sink."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm standing there waving my hand.
It's giving me no water.
But for some reason motion-sensor hand foam is like,
"Eer-ree, eer-ree.
I'm here for you, buddy. Eer-ree, eer-ree."
[ Laughter ]
I'm like, "I can't use you yet
because I don't have water from your friend."
[ Laughter ]
"Eer-ree."
Uh, paper towels are like, "Rrr-rrr-rrr."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Why do motion-sensor sinks work, like, 4% of the time?
But if you are sitting down on a motion-sensor toilet,
and even one flake of lint floats into that stall,
you are like, "Oh, nooo."
Motion-sensor toilet is like, "Gotcha."
[ Imitates water splashing ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's shooting Niagara Falls temperature mist into your butt.
[ Laughter ]
It feels like a thousand dog noses
are nuzzling your butt cheeks.
All right, guys, I'm Pete Lee. Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh! Yeah! Oh!
Oh! Pete Lee right there.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my face hurts.
For more, visit petelee.net.