When it comes to superhero toys, children are their biggest market. You would think
the marketing team would spend an extra 5 more minutes making sure these toys didn’t corrupt the
innocence of this wholesome demographic. You would think that, but you would be wrong!
For this list, All Things Top 5 ranks the Top 5 Inappropriate Superhero Toys. Buckle up people,
this is a very dong heavy episode! Number 5 Blowing Wolverine! Usually when a toy
is inappropriate, it’s typically unintentional. This is one of those rare cases where we believe
the manufacturer knew exactly what they were doing. This inflatable Wolverine hammer had
the unfortunate design flaw of placing the blow-valve right on Wolverine’s crotch.
This story was originally thought to be a hoax since satirical website ChristWire.org
wrote a story claiming that Marvel now promotes a gay agenda with this Wolverine toy.
While the article about the toy was fake, the toy itself was real! There
are three things that are going to happen when you give this toy to your child.
One, a parent will watch in horror as their child goes down on Wolverine. Two, that grimace
on Wolverine’s face clearly shows he’s about to shoot out more than just his claws. And three,
having to explain to your child why they are no longer allowed to play with Wolverine anymore.
Number 4 Splooge Chuk’n Spider-Man! This Whippin’ Web-Chuk Spider-Man had the unfortunate packaging
that allowed his arms to be lowered in such a way, that an immature Top 5 channel on YouTube
gets to make dirty jokes about our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. This hand placement
in addition to the column of sticky web goo, left little to the imagination as to what
Spidey did while MJ was away modeling. Turning our favorite web-slinger into a yogurt-slinger.
As the marketing material states, Spidey has something the villains won’t be ready for,
his battering web-chuks! To makes things worse,
the packaging invites you to squeeze Spidey’s legs to unleash his furious web-chuk smash attack.
We’re hoping it’s not his third leg that you have to squeeze.
Number 3 Squirting Batman! Holy inappropriateness Batman! This 1960s Adam West Batman era squirt gun
depicts Batman bending over as you squeeze his little Caped Crusader to get water to
squirt out of his mouth. Batman comes in at 5 whole inches, um, the toy, that is comes in at
a whole 5 inches! To use this toy, all you have to do is pull the b--- plug out of his Bat-Butt,
pump his Bat-Hole with a nice enema, then give him a reach around and squeeze the Bat-Pole between
his legs and watch Batman spit fluid all over your friends. Water basically goes in one hole
and out the other! This could be worse, there could be a Robin accessory that refills him.
Number 2 Crotch Rocket Punisher! When Marvel released their Shape Shifters line of toys
back in the late 90’s, the only thing the Punisher action figure punished were eyes of
parents and the innocence of children. During mid-transformation, The Power Pistol Punisher
action figure placed the rocket launcher right where the twig and berries would be.
To really drive the point home, Marvel made sure you knew the Punisher action figure was
not shooting blanks! The fully functional crotch rocket fires in the most inappropriate way you
can imagine. Judging by the packaging, if the crotch rocket isn’t your thing,
little boys also had their choice of an a-- cannon or a butt harpoon!
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Number 1 The Incredible Bulk! Don't make me aroused, you wouldn’t like me when I'm aroused!
A 6-year-old English girl won this anatomically gifted toy at a fair for winning a bean bag toss.
She noticed her new Hulk doll was hiding a zucchini under his pants. When
she peeled off the ripped purple shorts, she found a green two-inch kosher pickle in all its
green-felted splendor beneath them. Horrified, the little girl immediately ran to her mom and
reported the find. The mother said: “A hulk with a bulk like this just shouldn’t be allowed.”
Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall, it’s amazing how big his knob goblin is
and it’s definitely not an extra piece of material left on by mistake! A spokesman for Marvel Comics,
which licenses Hulk products, told The Post he suspected the toy was an illegal knockoff.
Even though the manufacturing tag states it was made in 2003 for The HULK Movie and licensed by
Marvel Characters, Inc. This is one thing you definitely don’t want Hulk to SMASH with!
Do you agree or disagree with our list? Is this channel too obsessed with the private
parts of superheroes? Comment below and watch our other videos and subscribe to All Things Top!