Do you want to know how to turn children's hearts toward parents? I'm Nicholeen Peck
and I teach all about heart change because I teach about parenting, and good relationships and
communication through the lens of self government. When a person learns self government, that means
they have a change of heart. So let's talk about hearts turning toward parents in this video.
In this video, we're going to talk about the problem and why people are not having that
unification of hearts in the family, how come the children are turning their hearts
away from their parents, and then what you can do to make it so in your family,
the hearts do turn toward each other, which is what makes everyone happiest. We need to start
with a definition of self government so that you understand how self government means heart change.
So self government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation,
and possessing a knowledge of your own behavior so that you can control them. So what that means
is that you understand cause and effect, and you understand yourself. So you say wait,
what types of actions do I usually make? Hmm. Do I like the effects of those actions? Well,
if not, what should I do differently? Should I create a plan for myself to get better effects
from my actions? This is what a self governed person does on the regular. Day after day,
day in, day out, they analyze and plan and follow through and checkup and analyze and
plan and follow through and checkup. This is what a self-governed person does. Now,
maybe it seems like a ton of work and at first, it definitely can feel that way. But over time,
it makes you feel like you are in control of your life, that no matter what happens, you're going
to be okay and isn't that what we want? Now let's talk about how do we help our children get to this
place where they can analyze themselves. Because see, when you analyze yourself, you start to be
honest with yourself. When you start to be honest with yourself, you stop manipulating yourself and
others and this leads to good connection, it actually makes a heart turn, turn toward other
people turn toward truth when you start analyzing yourself and examining what's going on and making
a plan for success. The whole teaching self government parenting system is dedicated to
helping hearts turn. Obviously, I can't talk about the entire teaching self government system in
this video. That's why I have the website teaching selfgovernment.com. There's a lot of stuff there.
But let's get started on just a few of those nuts and bolts that will definitely help you. Alright,
the nuts and bolts are coming but why is it that people's hearts are disconnected from each other?
How come children are turning away from their parents? There are many reasons that this is
happening. I know everybody likes to immediately say it's the digital. It's the virtual world and
100% that is one of the factors 100%. Children, if they get connected to a device are going
to disconnect from parents, parents, if they get connected to a device are going to disconnect from
children. Whenever you connect in to an object, you disconnect from the people around you. That's just
how your brain works. It can't stay connected to two things at the same time. So does the digital
make an impact? Yes, does addiction that can be associated with the digital make an impact? Yes,
but there are other things too. So we definitely need to give some lip service to some of these
other things. Number one, have you ever considered that your child does not feel understood by you,
that can happen. They can feel like you don't care, you don't understand the you're just worried
about yourself and the funny thing is, are those same times that they're thinking those things
you might be thinking they don't care, they don't understand, they're just worried about themselves.
So what you do is you start putting each other in these little boxes, and labeling each other in
certain ways, which actually destroys the identity that you have in your heart about that person. So
we all have identities in the family and I call those identities roles. So there is the role
of mother and the role of father and the role of seven year old daughter or the role of 15 year old
son depending on you know where your child's at in the family. There's a role of child and those
roles need to be understood. In fact, we rely upon those. The social sciences in, okay children that
are raised in non intact families. So if there's only one parents are significantly disadvantaged
in so many ways, we'll just that tells you without one role of parent in their life,
if they just have mother and not father or just father and not mother, a child misses something
that is foundational to their success in life and even though you work your best to try to replace
it, extended family members lend support when it's needed, all that kind of stuff and that's just
how it goes because we can't pick the perfect world even if we want it. Okay, I get that But
even so we know that the children do struggle in fundamental ways if they don't have those people
in their lives and that's because those roles do something for us. They help us become secure
in our roles and in who we're supposed to be, that helps us succeed. If a parent gets distracted on
work, or extra activities, exercising whatever it is, that the parent is doing all of the time, not
saying exercising, or work or service or whatever is bad, because I do all of those things. But
we've got to make sure that we keep our priorities straight, and our time is budgeted properly with
our children because if we aren't living up to our role, they can end up feeling like they don't
respect us, or they can't connect to us, or their needs aren't met, or you don't understand and
you know what happens as soon as they start doing that, sometimes it within ourselves,
we start power struggling with them, and thinking those same things about them. So oftentimes,
it's just because we don't know how to handle our problems and we've forgotten who each other is,
we've put each other in boxes. So let's talk about how to handle some of those problems,
to bring the hearts and the unity back together. So let's talk about how to solve those problems
and bring those hearts together. But before we do, click the subscribe button now.
There are so many great videos you're not gonna want to miss and they are dedicated to helping
you have the relationship that you want to have with your family members. So let's talk about
problem solving. There are key skills that we can use to problem solve. Now one of the biggest
principles that we want to recognize when we are solving problems together as a family is when we
are reactive with each other so that we're pushing against each other, we're feeling the drama, we're
feeling the emotions bouncing off each other, we are not going to bond. The hearts do not gel.
So this will just lead us to more reactive, more selfish behavior. I hate to use the word selfish,
but anyone can feel selfish, we all have to battle that in our lives and it does destroy
family bonds and makes people feel very isolated and alone in the family. We need to counter that
with connective measures. So all of our skills are going to be pre taught ahead of time, so that they
are predictable. Whatever skills you teach your children for for problem solving, make sure they
know them before the moment they're going to need to use them. This will help them decrease
their anxiety in the real moment when those skills are needed. So there are four basic skills that I
teach for parenting success and for the children so that they can learn self government and these
four basic skills are a great place to start when teaching your children how you will solve problems
together, they offer a baseline and actually take care of 99% of all the child's behaviors. The four
basic skills that I teach are all taught in these four children's books, which are kind
of ideal for like ages 12 and under just in case you're wondering, all the characters are
in all the books and the oldest character is 10. And but the wording is not babyish, even though
it does rhyme, and it's really relevant to the children. So you can use these books to help your
children learn the four basic skills. The four basic skills skills are following instructions,
which is taught in this book and then this one teaches accepting "no" answers and criticism. This
one teaches accepting consequences, and then this one teaches disagreeing appropriately.
Now that skill disagreeing appropriately, that is an important skill. This is how they get
understood. In all of the other three skills, it says, do this or disagree appropriately,
like say, okay, or disagree appropriately. There are other steps to all the skills,
each skill has its own skill set. Right now, I just want to talk about this one, because
disagreeing appropriately is actually what I call the gateway skill to self government. It helps a
person engage the prefrontal cortex and start thinking and it allows a person to bond while
they are solving their problem. This is powerful, and they're getting understood all at the same
time. When a person disagrees appropriately, they look at the person, they keep a calm face,
voice and body, they say that they understand the other person's point of view. That's important.
Many people forget that. Then they share their point of view, they listen to what the other
person has to say and then they say okay, and drop the subject. So that means they don't talk
about it any more. Most children love this skill, especially if it works. And so the parents have
to understand how to make it work, meaning when the child says Mommy, I disagree appropriately,
which I have taught them to say, then I say, Oh, yes, you may. And so then they say, okay, Mom, I
understand you don't want me to eat chocolate cake for breakfast, but that piece of cake was actually
my last piece of birthday cake and I saved it for today. So is it okay if I just have chocolate cake
for breakfast today, even though I'm no aren't usually going to do that and then I listened... She
listens to what mom was gonna say and mom says, oh, okay, sure. So I say if you say I disagree
appropriately, I will say yes, and I will listen. Now I can say yes or no about the chocolate cake,
either way is fine. Because either way, she has to say okay, and dropped the subject. So that is how
disagree appropriately works and it is fantastic for increasing understanding, creating connection,
engaging the prefrontal cortex, and helping a person feel empowered in their communications.
Now we're talking here about hearts turning toward each other, understanding is vital. But there are
more things at the foundational level, even before you get to these skills that I mentioning and by
the way, there's child's skills and parent skills, and the parents and children get to know them all.
There is no surprises in a self governing family, because if a family surprises their children are
tries to trick their children, that's actually just manipulating, and that will pull their
hearts away from you. So let's talk about some of these foundational things. So in my TSG parenting
course, which is on my website, teachingself government.com, I talked about creating a vision,
this is a family vision years in the future of who you are becoming as a family. This
is where everybody buys in, who are we? Where are we going? Who are we becoming as a group,
that's super important for us to recognize, and this helps us stay the course. So when all those
moments when I have to correct things, it doesn't matter, because we know where we're headed and we
create certain family activities designed around practicing to become this sort of family as well.
We also have family meetings, which we have on a weekly basis, sometimes even we've had them
on a daily basis when it's necessary. But we always have the meeting format, that structure
ready to go whenever we need it. So that way the children know they have a voice, we take votes,
they get to decide how to handle certain problems in the family. This also helps them feel really
understood. They get private meetings with us. Those are called mentor meetings and we have
the family meetings that they are part of together, which is so great. Now I highly
recommend if your relationship is struggling, that you just bring it into the light, that you have
what I call a parent counseling session with the child and you start to talk to them about your
relationship, what they want for the relationship and what you want for the relationship and then
say you're sorry about what you've done in the past, and start learning new things together.
They can even do the TSG parenting course with you. Many parents will show it to their children
and discuss it and work on it as a family group because there's no surprises in any of this. I
want you to have more. This is a short video. I have tons of videos on this channel. But how
about we just take you to a video right now, that is going to help you get a lot of the
nuts and bolts understood. That video is called the not so known secret for parenting success.
It's a full one hour class that will go into self government and some of the key components of self
government that are going to help you strengthen your relationship with your child so that you can
have more deliberate communication and teach them the skills that you want them to have for success.
So click on the link to the not so known secret for parenting success now and I'll see you there.