- Oh wow, you caught me reading
about art and the history of history.
Hey, Trevor Noah here, at home,
which is where you should all be as well.
Well, not in my home, I don't have
enough snacks for everyone, I mean in your homes.
Social distancing, #, but at the beginning of the word.
So what's the latest on coronavirus?
Well, President Trump says they found a treatment.
Governors are taking action, and spring break
is getting canceled, (gasps) dry T shirt contest.
So let's get into it, with another episode
of The Daily Social Distancing Show.
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] From Trevor's couch in New York City
to your couch somewhere in the world,
this is The Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor Noah.
(upbeat music)
- So people around the world have been
social distancing for a few days now.
And every day we're learning something new.
One, coronavirus is a serious disease.
Two, it's not just dangerous for old people.
And three, your relationship was
not as secure as you thought.
Yeah, it's amazing how much you discover about each other
when neither of you can ever leave!
Anyway, today was another tremendous day for the most
powerful man in the world, Donald Jehosaphat Trump.
He's the one man we're all forced to listen to
during this crisis, and everyday he reminds us
why hiring him was America's biggest mistake.
- It's very uncharted territory.
Could've been stopped, could've been stopped pretty easily
if we had known, if everybody had known about it
a number of months before people started reading about it.
Nobody knew there'd be a pandemic
or an epidemic of this proportion,
nobody's ever seen anything like this before.
- Yes, everybody including Trump,
didn't know how big this thing was,
except for Trump, who knew how big this thing was,
but didn't do anything because he didn't know
how big this thing was, it makes perfect sense.
I still don't understand why Trump bothers
stepping up to the microphone if he doesn't know anything.
Like President Trump, just let the doctors
and the scientists talk, all right?
Trump should just stand in the back like a hype man.
Dr. Fauci should be up there telling us,
the number of infected people has now risen to,
and then Trump can just be in the back like
uh huh, that's right, yeah, uh huh, corona baby.
He can be the Diddy of this shit, or the Brother Love,
I don't know which one it is right now.
Just in the back, just doing the thing.
That's all Trump needs to do,
just be a hype man, coronavirus hype man.
That's what, uh huh, people infected, you got it,
west side baby, that's all you need to do.
And I'm not just saying this to hate on Trump.
Because here's what Trump said today,
today, about a treatment for coronavirus.
- A drug called chloroquine, its is known as a malaria drug.
And it's been around for a long time.
We're going to be able to make that drug
available almost immediately,
and that's where the FDA has been so great.
They've gone through the approval process.
It's been approved.
- (gasps) What, we got the treatment,
we gonna cure it, we're gonna...
What?
He was just making that shit up?
- What the president said was
either confusing or just plain wrong.
- That's a drug that the president has
directed us to take a closer look at
to actually see if that benefits patients.
And again, we wanna do that in the setting
of a clinical trial, a large pragmatic clinical trial,
to actually gather that information,
and answer the question that needs to be asked and answered.
- If I could cover my face with my hands I would.
Because this is the most embarrassing thing ever.
The FDA commissioner openly
called the president out for making this shit up.
That's so embarrassing.
He said it, then the guy's like, no, that's not the truth.
This would be like your mother
commenting under your Facebook post.
Like, just to be clear Jeremy is not drowning in pussy,
he's currently in the basement playing Fortnite.
Mom!
Now thankfully, Trump isn't the only person
who can do something during this crisis.
While America's dealing with its incompetent in chief,
many of America's governors have started
to take matters into their own hands.
For instance, just today, and this was amazing,
in New York Governor Andrew Cuomo suspended
all mortgage payments for people in financial hardship,
and all credit card fees and ATM overdraft fees
are also suspended, which is amazing.
It's amazing for people who are struggling financially.
We have to remember that that's gonna happen
if we expect people to stay home and not work.
And by the way, that's also a rule that we should keep
long after coronavirus is gone.
Overdraft fees is a scam that should have
never existed in the first place.
How's the bank gonna charge me for giving me too much money?
If I have $20 in my account, but you let me take out $100,
that sounds like a bank's problem to me, not a me problem.
I should charge you overdraft for making me
ball out control with money I didn't have.
I was out there getting bottles.
I didn't have bottle money, that's overdraft.
Gonna tell me I owe you money, you owe me money.
Anyway, Cuomo isn't the only governor taking action.
Today the governor of Florida had to close
all the beaches, because it turns out young people
on spring break were acting like the coronavirus ain't shit.
Yeah, while the rest of us are social distancing
these kids are running out
and about saying things like this.
- Like it's really messing up with my spring break.
- I just turned 21 this year, so I'm here to party.
And trying to get drunk before everything closes!
- We still wanna come here and have fun.
- We're not real worried about it,
'cause we're on the sand, and it's an open area,
there's not a lot of door knobs
and not a lot of things you can touch.
- If I get corona, I get corona.
At the end of the day, I'm not
gonna let it stop me from partying.
- I'm sorry, what?
I'm sorry, what?
You're not gonna let coronavirus stop you from,
You're not gonna let coronavirus stop you,
coronavirus is not, you don't need to let it, okay?
Coronavirus is the Harvey Weinstein of diseases.
It does not ask for consent, my friend.
Kid's making it sound like coronavirus
is gonna ask for permission before jumping into your body.
Excuse me sir, my name is corona.
Would you mind if I compromised your immune system?
Here's the thing young people need to understand.
Yes, coronavirus is most dangerous for old people.
But that doesn't mean it's not dangerous
for young people too, okay?
It can still get our ass into intensive care, all right?
It's just more dangerous for old people.
But it's still dangerous.
Think of it this way, I always make jokes
about the New York Knicks being
a bad NBA basketball team, right?
But they're bad relative to other NBA teams.
But if you and your amateur ass office team
played against them, you'd be walking off the court like,
I'm sorry Mr. Knicks, I won't make fun of you again.
So get your shit together young people.
Coronavirus ain't no joke.
Oh, speaking of young people,
Jabouki Young-White's calling me, hold on, hold on.
Let me see if I can record this.
I love Jabouki.
Yo Jabouki, what's going on, man?
- Yo Trevor, what's up, how's it going, how's it going?
You holding up? - Man,
I've missed your face, dude, this is crazy.
- Over this beautiful Skype quality.
- Yeah, I'm loving this.
Man, I was chatting to Roy yesterday,
his kid is running around the house, it's wild.
I feel like everyone is trying to
just stay sane right now, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's me and my plants,
we're going at it, we're having fun.
- Is that a real plant?
- That's a real plant, it's my
best friend now, his name is Wilson.
- Wilson (laughs)?
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, like most of the time I'm fine,
but then there's moments where like I'm going crazy.
Like not being at work, there's moments
where I'm just like ah what do you do with,
like what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm just obsessively on Twitter,
on Instagram, on Twitter, on Instagram,
just going back and forth between those two pretty much.
- Yeah, but that's what you normally do.
- Well right, but the wifi at work
is like so much faster, so.
- Oh, so this is more stressful, I guess.
- It's actually been pretty hard on me.
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah,
my retweet to like ratio is down by half.
- Yeah, I guess everyone's got a different corona struggle.
- I've been thinking like there's
so many possibilities online, like I might get ordained
as a minister, I might adopt a child online.
There's really a lot that I could do.
- You can adopt a child online?
- Yeah.
- Wow, there's so many things about the internet
I feel like you could teach me.
Anyway, all right. - TikTok.
- Yeah, we should do a TikTok together, that would be fun.
I see like everyone's doing the thing.
- Yeah.
- That'll be cool, any way dude,
thanks for calling, man, I was even surprised
that you called, that was dope.
- Yeah, I really think it's important
that we check on older people during this time.
So if you need any groceries, prune juice,
metamucil, suppositories, what was your list?
- Jaboukie, I think when they say that
they're talking about like actual old people.
I'm not old, like I'm basically the same age as you.
Like when they say old they mean like old, old.
I'm not old. - Yeah.
- I always tell you this.
- Well, that's awesome, okay bye, take your medicine.
- I'm not old, I'm a millennial.
All right, before we go, I just once again
wanted to ask everybody who can donate.
Please donate to kids who no longer get school lunches
because their schools are shut down.
If you can help, please go to nokidjungry.org,
and help kids to get a good meal
while their schools are shut down.
And if you wanna help feed kids
in New York City specifically,
please go to cityharvest.org,
and donate whatever you're able to do, all right?
There are people out there who've already done it.
I think yesterday alone we managed to help raise
$40,000, which is a lot of money,
and gets a lot of kids food, but there are still
kids out there who need your help.
So if you can still help, please do help.
Stay safe out there, thank you so much
for tuning in to this madness.
I'll see you again soon, but first,
here it is, your moment of zen.
(gentle music)
(Aaron coughs)
- The accent is not COVID,
it's the water entered the wrong organ (coughs).