- You know what, I think marriage
is an institution for raising children.
That's about it.
I don't see the other perks myself.
(laughter)
That's the only reason to get married.
Well, unless you're sickly.
If you're sickly, then, you know,
(laughter)
y'know, get married, have somebody
take care of your sick ass, you know.
(laughter)
But other than that, it's just for raisin' kids,
because you know why, this is what I believe,
I think when you get married,
you're goin' into business together.
You're doing, you're openin' a business, right,
in all business, you have to have a product,
got to produce something.
Why are you in business.
See, we were married seven years, no kids.
So we went out of business.
(laughter and applause)
No inventory.
Yeah, I didn't get it, 'cause to me it was like this,
okay, I was taking care of myself before I met you.
You were taking care of yourself before you met me.
Let's just continue down this same path, y'know.
Let's be together separately.
That was working for me, but he would come home
and just say something to me that I just didn't understand.
He would walk in the door,
"Uh, what's for dinner".
Mmm, whatd'ya cook?
(laughter)
I ate already.
(laughter)
He would actually say stuff like that,
he actually said this one time,
"I'm all out of clean underwear".
Ooh, you need to wash.
(laughter)
I did my laundry yesterday,
I got a drawer full of clean panties, look at this.
You're welcome to borrow a pair
to tide you over if you like.
(laughter)
(applause)
Raisin' kids, man.
Y'know, and I get asked that a lot too.
People say, "well, don't you regret not having kids?",
and I go eh, not really.
And then if they keep asking, I always say this,
well, you know, maybe one day I'll adopt.
But I don't mean that, I don't.
(laughter)
It's just something I say
to make me sound like a nicer person, that's all.
I don't mean that.
(laughter)
I guess the whole thing with kids, too,
I don't really think about not having kids,
because I don't hear the clock tickin'.
To me, the clock stopped at 26.
Yeah, this whole aging process is messin' with me, man,
'cause I still feel and think the same way
I did when I was 26, you know,
so I feel 26, especially after I have a few drinks.
Oh boy, then it really kicks in.
(laughter)
Right, 'cause boy, you have a few drinks,
boy, you feelin' sexy, y'know,
I'm sayin', I knew I was 26.
(laughter)
I don't know what that lyin' ass calendar was talkin' about,
I'm 26, right.
'Cause you're feelin' sexy when you drink, don'tcha,
ooh you feel sexy when you drink.
Y'know, you're drinkin', feelin' sexy,
at the bar talkin' trash.
Then you go to the ladies room,
and you check yourself out in the mirror,
you're like, goddamn,
yous a sexy bitch.
You little sexy, I'd (beep) you.
(laughter)
Oh, you hot.
Feelin' sexy, man.
Me and four of my girlfriends,
we went down to South beach, man,
hanging out in Miami on South beach, drinkin',
our little thong bikinis on,
lettin' it all hang out,
feelin' sexy, feelin' 26,
until some real 26 year old would walk by.
(laughter)
Put that down.
(laughter)
Pass me my sarong.
(laughter)
Got windy out here, didn't it.
Yeah, a little 26 year old wind
just whipped right through here, didn't it.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)