- It's cold. I better climb inside this whale carcass.
- SHUT UP!
- Ugh, hold on. I got to drain my five-dollar footlong. That means I got to take a tinkle.
- Yeah, I know.
Hey, why the hell are you going so far?
- I can't go if somebody can see me going.
- You're not five years old anymore!
- I can't go if somebody's even thinking about me going! So just stop!
(groaning) Stupid button fly. Who's the idiot that chose this over a zipper? (grunts)
Anthony?
Hey, Anthony, where are you?
If you can hear me, say "dingleberry." Or really anything at all. I just really like the word "dingleberry."
Heh.
Dingleberry. (snickers)
Come on, man. I'm lost!
(echoing)
All right, if I can't find my way back, it looks like I'll have to survive out here by myself.
SURVIVE!!!
All right, let's do-- (groans, body thumps)
(quiet thunder, bird squawking)
(moans in pain)
What would Bear Grylls do right now?
- (ominously) Drink your own piss!
- Who the hell said that?
Bear Grylls?
- I sensed that someone was in trouble and came as soon as I could.
- Well, then, what should I do? Tell me your secrets.
- Right. First, you'll need to take care of three basic things: food,
shelter, and hydration. Take care of these three things, and you'll be able to survive out here forever.
- Whoooa.
- All right.
First thing you need to do is drink your own piss.
- What? No.
- All right.
Then I guess you could find some food. First, if you just look down--
- Oh, I know. If I eat this moss,
it should sustain me all winter.
- No, no, that moss is extremely poisonous.
- (spitting)
(coughs)
- I was just trying to get you to look down there. Someone left us a roasted chicken.
(flies buzzing) - Oh.
Right. Heh. I knew that.
(coughs and gags)
- This next step will be a lot easier if you drink your own piss.
- I'd really rather.
- Whatever, man. It's your life at stake here. I guess
we'll have to get you some shelter. I would actually--
- Oh! I'll use these sticks to make a hut. I'll make two bedrooms
so you can stay the night for a sleepover.
- Stop, you idiot! You're tearing down the last den of the endangered West African Killer Otter.
- (gasps)
(otters chitter)
Oh, hi, little guys. Aren't you so cute?
(baby talk)
(screaming) Get it off, Bear!
(disoriented muttering)
(screaming)
Why two? Die, you stupid!
(growls)
(panting heavily)
(heavy breath)
- Good job, dick. You just forced the species into extinction.
- Well, they started it. Anyway, what's next?
- Right.
This is your last and final
step:
hydration. All you have to do is drink your own--
- No.
- What? You scared of a little piss or something?
- I don't know. It just seems a little extreme, doesn't it?
- Come on, man. Just drink your piss.
Everyone's doing it.
- Okay, great. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm not gonna drink my own piss!!
- Fine!
(sizzling, Ian wheezes)
(groans)
I'm so
thirsty.
- Just drink your own piss, man. Look, I got a bottle of my piss right here.
See? Not that hard. Just drink your own piss!
- Damn it. I'm not drinking my own piss, Bear Grylls!
- Suit yourself.
(gulping)
- Ah, screw it.
- Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug!
Yeah!
- Are you drinking your own piss?
- (spits)
What? (sputters) No. And besides, even if I was, I had to. I've been stuck out here for days, man!
- Uh, you've only been out here for like 20 minutes, and you're not lost. Your car is right there.
- What?
- Yeah, I saw you hit your head on that tree, and, I mean, I was gonna help.
But then you started talking to yourself and building things out of sticks, so I just sat back and watched.
- Wow.
Congratulations. You're the greatest friend ever, dick.
- So you really just drank your own piss? Huh?
- I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go home and--
(engine sputters)
Crap. Car's dead.
- Great. Now we're probably gonna be stuck out here for a couple of days.
And we definitely don't have enough food or water.
- No!!
- To see bloopers and a deleted scene about banging hotties on Mount Everest, click the link in the description below.
- Piss party!
- Thanks for subscribing.
(gulping) Mmm.
Mmm. That's some good piss.
- What have you got for me?
- Cats and dubstep.
(dubstep music playing)
- Love it.