HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT IS REALLY CRISP.
IT'S MAY 16TH, I HOPE EVERYBODY BUNDLED UP.
IT WAS 39 DEGREES IN NEW YORK THIS MORNING.
I NEARLY FROZE MY MAYPOLE OFF.
(LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
THE WEATHER HAS GONE INSANE.
ALL OVER THE PLANET.
DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT WAS FREEZING HERE TODAY, CLIMATE
SCIENTISTS SAY THAT APRIL WAS THE HOTTEST MONTH ON RECORD.
IT WAS SO HOT, DONALD TRUMP TRIED TO MAKE OUT WITH IT.
(LAUGHTER) >> IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MONTH.
APRIL'S A TOTAL TEN.
TOTAL TEN.
>> THERE WERE SIGNS THAT GLOBAL WARMING WAS GETTING WORSE FOR A
LONG TIME.
BACK IN FEBRUARY, INSTEAD OF SEEING HIS SHADOW, THE GROUNDHOG
BURST INTO FLAMES.
TEMPERATURES ACROSS THE GLOBE HAVE BEEN STEADILY CLIMBING FOR
THE PAST 12 MONTHS.
SO IF YOU WERE WONDERING IF YOU SHOULD TURN YOUR JEANS INTO
CUT-OFFS... NO.
NEVER DO THAT.
NO REASON.
DOESN'T LOOK AS GOOD AS YOU THINK.
AS I WARNED YOU AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW, TONIGHT WE WILL BE
TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S MOUTH.
YOU SEE, YESTERDAY'S "NEW YORK TIMES" HAD A 5,000 WORD STORY
WITH A FRONT PAGE HEADLINE: "CROSSING THE LINE: TRUMP'S
PRIVATE CONDUCT WITH WOMEN," AND THE TIMES EMAILED A NEWS ALERT
READING: "SPECIAL REPORT: DONALD TRUMP
HAS REPEATEDLY UNNERVED WOMEN IN PRIVATE ENCOUNTERS OVER 40
YEARS."
UNNERVING WOMEN FOR 40 YEARS?
HARD TO BELIEVE.
THAT IMPLIES THERE WERE 29 YEARS WHERE HE WAS NOT UNNERVING
WOMEN.
I'M GOING TO WANT A FACT CHECK.
AND LISTEN TO THESE BOMBSHELL REVELATIONS.
ACCORDING TO A FORMER MISS USA CONTESTANT, WHEN SHE MET DONALD
TRUMP AT THE PAGEANT: "HE KISSED ME DIRECTLY ON THE
LIPS.
I THOUGHT, 'OH MY GOD, GROSS.'" (LAUGHTER)
OKAY.
BUT IN FAIRNESS TO MR. TRUMP, HE WAS JUST TRYING TO TURN HIMSELF
INTO A PRINCE.
PERFECTLY INNOCENT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
IT GOES ON TO DETAIL HOW TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT HIS SEXUAL
PROWESS, AS WELL AS HIS DAUGHTER'S HOTNESS, AND HAD A
PREOCCUPATION WITH WOMEN'S BODIES.
WHICH MEANS TRUMP COULD BE THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO APPOINT AN
ACTUAL "FEDERAL BIKINI INSPECTOR."
(LAUGHTER) HERE'S THE THING, NEW YORK
TIMES -- I'M NOT SAYING THAT DONALD TRUMP
OBJECTIFYING WOMEN FOR 40 YEARS ISN'T A STORY.
IT'S JUST BEEN A STORY FOR 40 YEARS.
(LAUGHTER) THIS SPECIAL REPORT, NOT THAT
SPECIAL.
GENERALLY SPEAKING, THE BANNER HEADLINE ON THE FRONT PAGE IS
RESERVED FOR SOMETHING SURPRISING LIKE:
"IN PRIVATE, DONALD TRUMP MAKES WOMEN COMFORTABLE."
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
NO ONE SAW THAT COMING!
SAID ONE WITNESS, "KEPT EYES UP HERE."
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S THE BIG REVELATION.
I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE OBVIOUS HEADLINES LIKE:
"POPE IS CATHOLIC," "BEAR DEFECATION DISCOVERED IN WOODS,"
AND "BEAUTY PAGEANT OWNER OBJECTIFIES WOMEN."
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
IN ACTUAL NEWS, DID YOU SEE THIS FOOTAGE FROM YESTERDAY'S GAME
BETWEEN THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS AND TEXAS RANGERS?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OKAY.
THERE WAS A HUGE FIGHT BETWEEN THE TEAMS.
AFTER A HARD SLIDE, TEXAS' SECOND BASEMAN ROUGNED ODOR
PUNCHED TORONTO'S JOSE BAUTISTA RIGHT IN THE FACE.
OF COURSE, SINCE BAUTISTA'S TEAM IS CANADIAN, HE IMMEDIATELY
APOLOGIZED FOR BEING PUNCHED IN THE FACE.
IT'S A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE FROM BASEBALL PLAYERS,
SINCE THEIR MUSCLES TEND TO ATROPHY WHILE WAITING FOR
ANYTHING TO HAPPEN.
I TELL YOU WHAT, THIS SHOCKS A LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT
THIS FIGHT DID NOT SURPRISE ME AT ALL.
BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, EVERY TIME I TRIED TO GET TO SECOND BASE, I
GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE.