Hey guys, hope you're doing okay.
It goes without saying that this is a
tricky delicate subject. I'm making this to just share what I've learned, as I know it can be very
difficult navigating unhealthy relationships. Now, my experiences do not and could not perfectly correspond with your experiences.
And I just think it's important to keep that in mind. However, having said that, hopefully this can provide some level of clarity.
To make this as actionable as possible, I'm going to be providing
definitions to the words that I'm using as well as
general guidelines to operate by. I find it helpfu,l to always have a framework, a system to rely on, when approaching
pretty much every aspect of life.
You may be watching this because you may feel that you are entangled with a genuinely toxic person. Which I define as
somebody who is not only deeply unhappy, but also refuses to do internal work on themselves, and are therefore
actively destructive with others in their life.
Or maybe it's just a toxic situation, where a combination of factors are the reason why things aren't working out.
Where you and the other person are in life, as well as
the dynamics, the environment that you find yourselves in. This can look really similar
but it's not the same thing.
If for example, you find yourself in a relationship.
Let's say, a friendship that is reliant on you, remaining the person that you were. And doesn't
have the space to allow you to grow, and become the person that you need to be. That can have toxic suffocating
consequences. First of all, I would not call that a friendship, but furthermore
it's not that either of you are toxic people necessarily. It's just that it isn't working out, and forcing something that isn't working
is what can lead to a toxic kind of situation.
My point here is simple. It is that this is nuanced and just going around telling people that they're toxic,
isn't going to solve any problems. Instead,
there are a few guidelines that I've established for myself, that have really helped me
figure all this out. And that I'd like to establish first, before diving deeper into things. One:
it is not your job to change or fix other people. Two:
it is not your job to prove yourself or gain approval from other people. And three: you don't owe anybody anything.
Beyond a basic level of civility, I would say. I'm not condoning, disrespecting or mistreating other people.
But beyond that, you don't owe anybody anything. If all of us just followed these guidelines. I think
the problem of getting locked into manipulative or unhealthy relationships, would largely disappear.
However, that isn't the case, that isn't the world that we live in.
Human beings are complicated, relationships are messy and I think we're all susceptible at some level to
people-pleasing, to social pressures, to approval from others, all of it. Furthermore, things can get even trickier under certain
circumstances. What do you do, for example, about a work situation that includes toxic people.
I don't have all the answers here, but needless to say, this was a large reason for why I began freelancing.
And even then, there were certain people that I refused to work with, based off of poor interactions that I had.
It's not right nor fair, but it's important,
it's necessary to keep these sorts of things in mind. When
making decisions regarding where you want to work or who you want to work for now. What about family?
this is definitely a sticky point and
It's scary
It's scary dealing with family because it feels like an order of magnitude more intimate than dealing with outside relationships
right outside relationships like friendships and
other people in the outside world i'm using this word a lot, but
Toxicity breeds and creates more toxicity. I witnessed my parents deal with the generational gap and
You know generations before where ideas like working on yourself internally were completely foreign
So what do you do if you find yourself stuck in a family where there are?
Toxic people right which i'm defining once again as people that refuse to work on themselves
Refuse to do what is necessary to have healthy relationships and are therefore destructive in the relationships?
I'm going to stick to speaking about things that i'm familiar with I will just say this. I did record a conversation with my mother
Who
Has personal experience
With this she comes from a very complicated situation and we spoke about this i'm going to link to that video below
but she talks a lot about
the bravery that was necessary and
Boundaries the the boundaries that she had to create to be able to
lead a healthy life, I grew up in a family where
Emotional intelligence was not really present
Um I run away from home as you know, um, how old were you again? You were 18 18
Oh my god, and I couldn't handle it anymore. Um
and the decision
I mean was scary but I really was
At my wit's end i'm leaning on her words and her advice on this one as they come from direct experience
when dealing with toxic relationships
Your only way out is by focusing and working on yourself going back to the guidelines that I outlined in the beginning
It is not your job to change or fix other people
And it's not your job to prove anything to them either in a healthy relationship
You should not be constantly feeling like you're in the dark with regards to communication
You should not be constantly feeling stupid or inferior
Or that the way that you naturally are is unacceptable if that is normal to you
I'm here to tell you that it shouldn't be but this is what toxic manipulative people will do
And this can be done in so many different ways ranging from overt methods of aggression like violence or verbal abuse
All the way to more covert methods like silences and destabilizing remarks
One thing that I think is extremely important to mention here
Is that the more you engage with these people the more you enter their game
And this is why I say the only way out is not by winning the game. That isn't possible
They make up the rules and you can never win with their rules
The only way out is by cutting ties by not engaging by having the dignity and the self-respect to know
What a healthy relationship in your life should look like and only accepting that again when you enter
into their game
They set the rules and they're impossible to follow you will be made to feel stupid inferior at fault
And look this kind of thing can happen in all relationships
But if this becomes a consistent pattern if it's constantly happening something else is going on when it comes to removing
Toxic relationships. It can be extremely difficult. I know from personal experience. So here are a few things that have helped me
We have a limited amount of relationships that we can have
In our lives and an even more limited amount of close relationships that we can actively maintain
There's limits based on our biology based on time constraints removing somebody that you once felt close to can feel terrifying
but it's necessary to free up space space that can then be filled with a new healthier more positive relationship or
More space for yourself. I have feared the void created
when cutting ties with somebody because it's a toxic situation or because I believe they are a toxic person and
I I understand that fear. It's very real but every single time through the pain and discomfort of navigating the process
I have found that there's on the other side of things a massive sense of relief and
That new space is amazing
the only way to rid yourself of toxicity is by doing cleanup and internal work everything begins with awareness and like I said,
Toxicity generates more toxicity and therefore if you spend enough time in those kinds of relationships and those kinds of situations
It is it has kind of a contaminating effect
You will need to go through a sort of purging a kind of like cleaning if you will
Awareness is important because it's the only way you're going to wrap your brain around what's going on
It's the only reason why these sorts of things go on for as long as they do a lack of awareness
I think special attention needs to be paid to habits which are the building blocks of our lives and
Are what create patterns in cycles in my experience bad habits are picked up
through unhealthy situations and therefore it's incumbent upon you to
Take the extra effort to break these habits. So you can therefore break the cycles and the patterns that you find yourself within one
Really clear example of this is an expression that my mom has shared with me "What you say about others,
ays a lot more about yourself"
These are things to think about as you're going through this sort of reconstruction phase and finally environment is a large piece in this puzzle
certain environments quite simply attract certain kinds of people and if you find that this is a recurring
Theme in your life. I would strongly consider looking into changing the environments that you spend time in changing
Your environments will change the people that you in turn spend time with and i've talked about how extracting yourself from certain situations certain environments
Even for a brief period of time can provide that perspective
that space to see things differently to see things more clearly and this can be a way to navigate negative patterns and to
Identify how you feel about a certain situation a certain relationship, etc
And i've always found getting clear on how you feel about something is a massive step in finding the courage
To then do what is necessary another major thing to remember this is your life to live and that is a very powerful statement
To always recall and come back to through all the manipulation. I have often found that manipulative people will constantly remind you how much
They need you how much they're dependent on you or better yet. How much you need them how much you're dependent on them.
They'll use information that you vulnerably shared with them against you
I mean
There's so so many tactics that can be used and I can't possibly cover them all in a short little youtube video
This is a really powerful idea for me at least to always come back to
as I navigate
Confusing times. I do want to say that even if things feel hopeless or impossibly entangled
There's a solution there is a way out and your way out once again is by doing the cleanup doing the internal work taking
Responsibility and finding a sense of self-worth. This is not about retaliating or getting revenge, right?
This is about taking the higher road and moving on with your life. I believe
That we all at some level have to go through this experience and it's painful
And confusing but it's also a necessary part of the process in developing standards and figuring out who the right people are
That belong in your life. I hope you found this helpful and I wish you the best of luck