WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
THANKS SO MUCH, EVERYBODY!
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
VERY KIND.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
LISTEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
LOVELY.
YEAH!
STAY STRONG, BE BRAVE!
LOOK FOLKS, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, THIS IS "THE LATE SHOW"
AND I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST WEEK, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
WERE PAYING ATTENTION BUT DONALD TRUMP SEEMED PRETTY STEADY.
HE GAVE A BIG BOY SPEECH IN FRONT OF CONGRESS-- LONG PANTS
AND EVERYTHING.
I WAS AFRAID HE'D SOLD THE TIMESHARE IN CRAZYTOWN.
WELL, HE'S BAAACK!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAN, THINGS ARE MOVING SO FAST.
I THINK I NEED A DRAMAMINE.
I WATCHED THE SUNDAY SHOWS YESTERDAY AND ALTERNATED BETWEEN
WEEPING AND VOMITING, LIKE SOMEONE MADE ME CHUG DAY-QUIL
AND STRAPPED ME IN A TILT-A-WHIRL.
GET INTO THIS INDUSTRIAL DRYER AND WE'LL THROW IN A COUPLE OF
FLOORESCENT TUBES FOR YOU.
HERE, ENJOY IT!
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED IT, SATURDAY MORNING WHILE HE WAS IN
FLORIDA, OUT OF NOWHERE, TRUMP TWEETED:
"TERRIBLE!
JUST FOUND OUT THAT OBAMA HAD MY "WIRES TAPPED" IN TRUMP TOWER
JUST BEFORE THE VICTORY.
NOTHING FOUND.
THIS IS MCCARTHYISM!" ( LAUGHTER )
AND JUST LIKE THAT, THE WHITE HOUSE HAD TO RESET THEIR SIGN
BACK TO ZERO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO SAD.
THEY'D GOTTEN UP TO, LIKE, FIVE DAYS.
IT WAS A NEW RECORD.
AND THIS TWEET WAS SENT AT 6:35 A.M.
WHO WAKES UP THAT FURIOUS?
SOMEBODY GIVE THIS GUY A XANAX OR A BRAN MUFFIN.
OR A BRAN MUFFIN STUFFED WITH XANAX.
A BRAN-AX.
NEXT, HE TWEETED: "HOW LOW HAS PRESIDENT OBAMA
GONE TO "TAPP" MY PHONES DURING THE VERY SACRED ELECTION
PROCESS.
THIS IS NIXON/WATERGATE."
WAIT, YOU SAID THIS WAS MCCARTHYISM.
NOW IT'S NIXON-WATERGATE?
PICK YOUR HISTORICAL ANALOGY!
"THIS IS THE PEARL HARBOR OF HINDENBURG GREAT DEPRESSION
D-DAYS!
FINALE OF LOST."
( APPLAUSE ) AND HE MUST HAVE BEEN PROUD OF
THIS TWEET BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST ONE HE EVER SIGNED:
"BAD-- OR SICK-- GUY!" ( LAUGHTER )
COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF, SIR.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS A SERIOUS ALLEGATION AND
YOU KNOW THAT TRUMP TAKES IT SERIOUSLY BECAUSE HIS NEXT TWEET
WAS: "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER ISN'T
VOLUNTARILY LEAVING THE APPRENTICE, HE WAS FIRED BY HIS
BAD-- PATHETIC-- RATINGS, NOT BY ME.
SAD END TO GREAT SHOW."
THAT'S RIGHT, FIRST HE ALLEGES A SCANDAL WORSE THAN WATERGATE,
THEN HE IMMEDIATELY GOES AFTER SCHWARZENEGGER.
IT'S LIKE IF DEEP THROAT TOLD WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN "NIXON IS
A CRIMINAL.
OH, AND THE $6 MILLION MAN ISN'T REAL, IT'S ALL DONE WITH SLOW
MOTION."
( LAUGHTER ) THOSE ARE HIS REAL LEGS!
IT'S NOT A MACHINE!
NOW, THE OBAMA PEOPLE SAY THEY NEVER WIRETAPPED TRUMP.
HERE'S FORMER OBAMA PRESS SECRETARY JOSH EARNEST.
>> THIS MAY COME AS SOME SURPRISE TO THE CURRENT OCCUPANT
OF THE OVAL OFFICE, BUT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
DOES NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO UNILATERALLY ORDER THE
WIRETAPPING OF AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.
>> STEPHEN: OH REALLY, JOSH.
WELL, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW A LOT OF THINGS COME AS A SURPRISE TO
DONALD TRUMP.
THE FIRST AMENDMENT, OBJECT PERMANENCE, THE FACT THAT BEN
CARSON ISN'T THE GUY FROM FAMILY MATTERS...
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S NOT, RIGHT?
WHAT ABOUT STEFAN?
>> Jon: STEFAN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: NEED MORE NO PROOF?
HERE'S FORMER DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND
SENTIENT TESTICLE JAMES CLAPPER.
>> THERE WAS NO SUCH WIRETAP ACTIVITY MOUNTED AGAINST THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT AT THE TIME, OR AS A CANDIDATE, OR AGAINST HIS
CAMPAIGN.
>> STEPHEN: "IF ANYTHING, WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK OF WAYS WE
CAN HEAR TRUMP LESS.
THE NSA IS WORKING ON SOME TRUMP-CANCELING EARPHONES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FACED WITH THESE DENIALS, TRUMP HAS NOT PRODUCED A SHRED OF
EVIDENCE.
SO WHERE DID TRUMP GET HIS INFO?
FROM THE CIA?
FROM THE FBI?
OUT OF HIS A-S-S?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A FINE YEAR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO KEEP THE CORK?
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, APPARENTLY, IT CAME FROM
RIGHT WING RADIO HOST AND UNLICENSED GYNECOLOGIST, MARK
LEVIN, WHO RANTED ABOUT THESE WIRETAPS ON HIS RADIO SHOW.
IT WAS THEN WRITTEN UP BY BREITBART AS "MARK LEVIN TO
CONGRESS: INVESTIGATE OBAMA'S 'SILENT COUP' VERSUS TRUMP."
IT'S THE WORST KIND OF COUP -- SILENT BUT DEADLY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO FACED WITH ZERO EVIDENCE, THE
TRUMP TEAM DID THE ONLY LOGICAL THING AND CALLED FOR AN
INVESTIGATION.
SECRETARY AND MAN USING A COUPON ON HIS FIRST DATE, SEAN SPICER,
TOOK TO TWITTER TO DEMAND THAT THE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEES IN
CONGRESS INVESTIGATE TRUMP'S CHARGES, ADDING:
"NEITHER THE WHITE HOUSE NOR THE PRESIDENT WILL COMMENT FURTHER
UNTIL SUCH OVERSIGHT IS CONDUCTED."
SO NOW THEY'RE NOT GOING TO COMMENT ON THE BAD THING THEY
MADE UP?
"MR. JOHNSON, YOU HAVE HERPES, OR AT LEAST YOU MIGHT -- WE
HAVEN'T RUN ANY TESTS YET...NO FURTHER COMMENT."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE CRAZIEST THING ABOUT
TRUMP CALLING FOR AN INVESTIGATION WITHOUT ANY
EVIDENCE IS THAT IT ACTUALLY WORKED.
CONGRESS IS GOING TO INVESTIGATE TRUMP'S WIRETAPPING CLAIM.
SO THAT'S IT.
FROM NOW ON, WE HAVE TO TAKE ALL OF TRUMP'S ALLEGATIONS
SERIOUSLY.
"JUST HEARD BAD-- OR SICK-- OBAMA HIDING UNDER MY BED.
#OBOOGEYMAN" ( APPLAUSE )
THAT IS SCARY.
THAT IS SPOOKY.
>> Jon: WOW, HIDING UNDER THE BED?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> Jon: WHOO!
>> Stephen: SO WHY DID TRUMP DO IT?
APPARENTLY, TRUMP WAS NONE TOO PLEASED THAT THANKS TO MORE
RUSSIA REVELATIONS, JEFF SESSIONS HAD TO RECUSE HIMSELF
ON THURSDAY.
SO TRUMP'S STAFF DID WHATEVER THEY COULD TO CALM HIM DOWN.
ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL EVEN SAID, "THEY TRIED TO PUT TRUMP
IN A BETTER MOOD BY GOING OVER THEIR IMPLEMENTATION PLANS FOR
THE TRAVEL BAN."
LOOK AT THE SHINY TRAVEL BAAANNNN!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DOES THIS BIG ANGRY MAN WANT TO SPLIT UP SOME MUSLIM FAMILIES?
I SEE A SMILE!
( LAUGHTER ) I HOPE HE DOESN'T THINK I'M
SPEAKING ARABIC RIGHT NOW.
( NONSENSICAL NOISES ) I'M NOT.
BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT NOBODY'S BETTER AT PLEASURING TRUMP THAN
HIMSELF.
BECAUSE AFTER HIS OBAMA TWEETSTORM, TRUMP WAS BRIGHTER
SUNDAY MORNING AS HE READ SEVERAL NEWSPAPERS, PLEASED THAT
HIS ALLEGATIONS AGAINST OBAMA WERE THE DOMINANT STORY.
WELL, WE WANT TO DO OUR PART TO MAKE THE MAN WITH THE NUCLEAR
CODES CALM, SO MY NEWS CHANNEL, REAL NEWS NETWORK, FILED THIS
EXPLOSIVE REPORT ON THE OBAMA ALLEGATIONS.
>> WELCOME TO REAL NEWS TONIGHT.
OUR TOP STORY, INCREDIBLY TRUE ALLEGATIONS ABOUT BARACK OBAMA.
TRUMP USED HIS GIANT BRAIN TO FIGURE OUT THE FAKE PRESIDENT
OBAMA ILLEGALLY WIRE TAPPED THE VERY FAMOUS TRUMP TOWER, LIKE A
SICK PERVERT.
A LOSER MOVE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
IN A SCANDAL EVERYONE IS CALLING WATERGATE TIMES A MILLION, SAY
IT PROVES THE CRIME WAS COMMITTED BY OBAMA, A MUSLIM
BORN IN SPACE.
>> BAD.
THE WIRETAPS DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING INCRIMINATING IF YOU
WERE WORRIED.
TRUMP IS SO, SO GOOD.
YEAH, SO VERY GOOD.
>> NEXT, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER HAS A VERY SMALL PENIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S REAL NEWS!
>> Jon: THAT'S REAL NEWS.
>> Stephen: THEY COULDN'T SAY THAT.
WE HAVE A BIG SHOW TONIGHT.
WHEN WE GET BACK, I'LL EXPLAIN RUSSIA PROBLEMS.
STICK AROUND!