(Whitney) So I was just thinking about
Mm-hmm.
and would you say
that size matters?
I just mean like, are you more or less
trepidatious about a horse or animal based on their size?
I can't predict what they're gonna do,
and I'm a very sort of kind of hands-off relax--
Like I think that's why I like cats.
Because they're like
"I have no business to do with you,
That's right.
You know what I mean? I like that.
I think like dogs are very thirsty.
They're like... (panting).
And I just-- I don't like that.
I know.
(braying)
Okay, so you've never been around
like sheep or donkeys?
You know in a car when you're driving on the highway,
(both laughing)
Does that count?
Yeah.
Okay, okay, I feel like you're
perfectly qualified to handle this.
(Phoebe) So these are all goats and sheep?
I think we should play a game where we go in
and you tell me what kind of animal you're looking at.
Okay. That's a donkey.
That's a donkey?
Is that a donkey? Is that a horse? Is that a pony?
See? That!
Why are they making noise?
(laughing)
No!
He doesn't have HBO.
He hasn't heard of you.
You don't listen to "Two Dope Queens"?
Oh, jeez!
These are little baby goats.
Oh, they're all baby goats, okay.
Is this not cute to you at all?
(sighs)
♪♪
Oh, pooping. (laughing)
It's poop.
Poop! You live with a man.
I know, but it just fell out of his butt
like a freaking Pez dispenser.
It was a lot.
Ugh!
I felt like Justin Bieber coming out of like
his Four Seasons hotel, and there's a bunch
of, like, 15-year-old girls who are like "Justin!"
Yeah! (laughs)
Wow.
I am honored.
Can we get a Boomerang of that?
I just think when they're sniffing your crotch
it's very aggressive.
Yes, I mean, but that's where
his head just happens to be.
Right.
Right, he didn't bend down to...
Yeah, I don't think he's interested in-- no offense.
Good news and bad news.
Okay.
That's so cute.
You want to go for a walk?
With an animal?
All right, Hamlet needs to engage his core.
Needs a Peloton.
Do you see all these baby dragonflies?
You don't see this?
Oh, yeah, now I see it.
These are all baby dragonflies.
That's cool.
Oh.
New York City?
I know you're used to seeing
human (bleep) and trash
on the side of the road, but this is
a beautiful, magical moment in nature.
(laughing)
Nothing?
Does he have a name? Or she?
Do you want to name her? What would you name her?
Uhh... Denise?
Okay.
(laughing)
And they run a P.I. firm together.
Yeah, P.R. firm.
Yeah, that, too.
And I'm Denise.
And together we're...
(both) Gail and Denise.
I have proof that your spouse is cheating,
and I will catch them.
And if you're cheating on your spouse,
I'll help you look good doing it.
Call us today. Don't be a dumbass.
Get it? Because we're donkeys.
I feel like because of all your work with animals,
just like how sweet and patient you are,
Oh.
Like I can just already sense that, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
You're very patient, and you're very understanding.
Do you want to be a mom or no?
Mmm.
No, but you froze your eggs though, right?
Okay, okay.
They're beach front in Redondo.
They are on very nice real estate,
and as long as no generators go out we should be good.
Now that's-- was that a hard process, yeah?
Yes. I'm just going to say yes.
I'm glad I didn't know how hard it was before I did it
because I probably wouldn't have done it.
The cool thing was that a lot of my girlfriends
and I got much closer because I cannot
use needles to save my life, so I would like
go to my friends' houses being like,
"Can you put this in my butt?"
So every day, one of your friends
Yes.
But I'm so glad I did it.
Afterwards, I just felt this like weight lifted
'cause I found myself in relationships,
like the bar was just getting lower and lower.
I was like, "Oh, you've only been married twice!
That's cool." You know?
Like, "Oh, it's fine you have six roommates.
It's good. You're a people person."
Like I just found as I was getting older...
My bar for the people I was dating
was getting lower and lower,
and then as soon as I froze my eggs,
Yeah.
And I'm really grateful. It's like getting insurance.
Yeah.
(Whitney) Do you wanna go see the horses?
You already are dirty.
Here's what I'll say.
You know what the dirtiest thing is on the planet?
(laughs)
So I wanted you to meet Rosie...
Is it because she's black and I'm Black,
so you wanted to ease me in?
I wanted to find the Phoebe version of a horse.
She's got braids. It feels like a perfect match.
Okay, so this is cute, okay, Rosie's smelling you.
Cute.
Good girl!
With horses we move slowly, no crazy sudden movements.
We're calm.
Come here, Rosie.
You want to say hi to Phoebe?
(whimpering)
Okay, that was intense.
I already know what we need to work on.
I feel like I'm much more anxious in here
than in real life. In real life, I'm, like,
"Whatevs." No, I'm not.
I'm just afraid for my hair truthfully.
I just don't want Rosie to eat my weave.
(metal clanging)
That's my horse getting jealous.
Okay, see that's-- It's like why are you even doing that?
Okay, people know you for lots of things.
Like stand-up, acting, right and everything,
Yeah.
So what made you get into animals?
I just was always around animals, I grew up--
My aunts run a farm in Virginia
so I was like riding horses when I was like five.
I was around horses when I was a kid.
You know, I love being around animals
because they don't judge you--
Rosie, okay.
It's just Rosie's head is so big.
I feel like if Jason Momoa did this to me, too,
I would also be stressed out.
Rosie is like a curious white woman.
Like "Oh my God, where'd you get those braids?"
I'm like "Rosie, are you going to Harlem? I don't think so."
You're not touching her hair.
If I've learned anything about Phoebe,
it's that we do not touch her hair.
Yeah.
My horse that we're gonna work with won't seem so big.
Okay. I believe you.
It's all about-- You know how like in (bleep) pics,
guys put their hands next to their (bleep) just for perspective?
For measuring, yeah.
Is King gonna be mad 'cause he's gonna be like,
"Is this the (bleep) bag that was keeping me from you?"
We're about to find out.
Hi, bud. Hi.
So King is a different kind of horse than Rosie.
He is one that will
Oh, he's a bad boy.
And he's a little more eager, and he has a little more energy.
I mean, of course, the dog from "Sandlot" is like, "What's up?
Can I get my SAG-AFTRA if I pop in this shoot?"
The dog from "Sandlot!"
This is a very Hollywood ranch.
We have Hollywood royalty, the dog from "Sandlot."
We have the polar bear from Narnia on the way.
We have this majestic view.
I wanted this to be like a nice, cozy little spot.
Now I feel like we're on "The Bachelorette."
I feel like you're about to propose.
We have this fun segment on the show
Okay.
That's Three Big Questions.
I think it might help you
if we spoon.
Okay.
I fee like...
I feel like I'm in an audition in the early aughts.
(laughter)
Welcome to my casting couch.
Ooh, that's nice!
That's actually really nice.
This feels real good.
Okay, so the first question's easy.
What is one of the moments in your life
that you felt changed everything,
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Obviously death is horrible.
If, you know, people have gone through it they get it,
but something in your brain just switches
when you lose a loved one or go through a tragedy like that,
Everything gets real clear.
Like, everything I'd been working so hard to do for so long,
like get better at saying no, get better at asking for help,
as soon as my dad died, it was like so much easier for me.
So it just, it sort of cleared out
what was worth worrying about and what wasn't?
Yes, that's exactly right.
As soon as my dad died, I was like,
"Oh, well the person whose approval
"I've been living for isn't here,
so I guess I should just do things that I want to do,"
And I was just like "Oh, I'm just gonna do stand-up,
and like start a podcast and like hang out with animals."
That's literally the life you're living.
That's amazing.
I was like "I have to do a TV show, I have to do this...
I have to produce this thing." I was running around
Yeah.
I was kind of like aimless. And then when my dad died,
it was, like, "Oh, that's right. Life is super short."
Unh!
Okay.
If you could have truly every person's
attention on the planet, and they were gonna
listen to what you were gonna say,
what would you say to them?
Don't eat hard boiled eggs on planes?
(laughing)
That's what I would use my platform for.
I sat next to a woman recently
who opened up a bag of hard boiled eggs.
No!
I've worked too hard.
And we got in a tussle.
I'm gonna tell you something right now.
(laughing)
I lost the tussle once when she ate 'em,
and once when they made their way through her body.
Okay, final question.
If you could Freaky Friday with any--
(both laughing)
Jamie Lee Curtis. Easy.
No, but if you could Freaky Friday with anyone for a day,
who would it be, and what would you do?
I mean, if I-- Like, I try to think
a little bit too big sometimes.
Like my brain is like, "I'm gonna be Mark Zuckerberg
"and go in and just undo all the...
Yeah.
Like I'd want to be like the Robin Hood and go in
and like be in someone's shoes for a day,
like change a bunch of (bleep) you know?
I like you being Zuckerberg, going in
and flipping Facebook up.
That's cool.
go in on the day that he's testifying
and be like, "Yeah! Yep, it's all true.
We're taking everyone's data, yes, yes!"
(both laughing)
Come on, boy! (clicks tongue) Good boy.
Good job, King.
And why do these horses have facemasks on?
For sleep?
(laughter)
That's true.
These are for flies. These are fly masks.
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
So the way that I got King was pretty fascinating.
He was a dressage show horse.
Dressage is a type of show riding
where the horses are very highly trained.
I think it's silly and unnecessary...
but it's to the horse--
Are you okay?
I didn't know horses could trip, so I'm like,
"LOL, you loser," and it's like anyone can trip,
At any time.
I got a call.
"There's a horse that's been overworking,
Yeah.
And I was like, "That kind of sounds like my story."
Uh...
And I felt this immediate connection to him.
And when I first met him,
he-- when I would turn him out in the arena
he would instantly just start performing.
Oh, he is you. He's your son!
So we thought, okay, this could be
the perfect horse to work with.
Excuse us. So--
Oh, by all means, King, I'll get out of your way.
Oh, you thought you were the star of this show?
You know what? King is a white guy.
That was a white guy move.
(panting) Okay.
Yeah, you're like out of breath.
Just got off that vape.
Okay, he's got energy.
He might poop.
Great. He's ready?
Okay.
Yes.
You claim your space. You gotta mean it.
He could trample me if he wanted to.
When you have intention,
when you have purpose, when you lack self-doubt,
Okay.
Yes.
Yes?
Yeah.
...try to walk through me... okay?
Come on, boy. Yeah.
♪♪
Excuse me. Could you move?
Excuse me.
Why would I move?
Okay.
Well, you-- you didn't tell me
to get like "Django Unchained" up in here.
Run as hard as you can at me,
so that he sees that you're claiming me.
I'm your space. I belong to you.
And he's in your space. I'm yours.
Awesome. I have no idea
what happened, but it sounded awesome.
King's coming over by me. I don't want King by me.
I don't want King by me. Whitney, come on!
Easy, easy, easy.
Oooh!
I should have given you the rope thing.
King! That was agro.
That was definitely--
That was 2:00 a.m. at a club when he's like,
"Come on, I bought you some vodka sodas."
"Pay up, honey!"
He looks, like, pensive.
He has a little sadness coming up and he's yawning.
Good boy!
This is him making new--
Aww, you little coo-- Okay, that's too much.
(Phoebe) I know I was like, kind of freaked out earlier,
but maybe I should try and ride a horse?
Let's try it.
♪♪
This is the big moment, Whit.
So we're just gonna get right into it?
Well, do you want to talk about it?
Yeah, I mean I'm a little like anxious.
If you want.
Do you have helmets for people who wear weaves?
That's my largest helmet.
This is your-- this is the largest one, okay.
I guess a lot of Black women
don't come here to ride, do they?
I'm very nervous, you guys.
Yeah, I just don't want to fall and have amnesia.
(Whitney) Okay.
Easy, deep breaths, deep breaths.
If you're scared, he'll feel it.
You know what I mean? We should wait until you...
...feel like you're ready to move.
Okay, I'll be less dramatic.
Yeah. Okay.
But we have to go slow, you guys, okay?
Like if he even trots--
I'm jumping off.
So we're gonna go very slow,
but if you're scared I would just say...
Let's walk even slower.
Ooh, slower. Okay.
Slower, slower, slower.
♪ Slower, slower, slower, slower, slower ♪
♪ Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow ♪
Can he slow down? Or is this slow?
I can't tell if you're-- This is pretty slow, but I--
It's like really intense.
It is intense.
How did John Wayne do this?
He was a man in the '40s.
Good job, King.
We are friends. Did that sound convincing?
You know what? I get it.
I get Medieval Times now. I understand.
I get jousting, I get "Game of Thrones,"
I get it all.
Should we do an ad for Black women right now
for the Shadow Hills? Okay.
Okay.
♪♪
(Phoebe) Hey, Black women...
I'm a Black lady.
This is pretty cool.
You should try it.
My weave is fitting in here.
It's great.
I mean, does the helmet fit perfectly? No.
Should I probably put less Indian hair in my head?
Yeah, but that's on me.
You should ride King.
Come out to Shadow Hills.
It'll be fun.
Yeah.
The fear behind your eyes
disagrees with what you're saying.
Good boy.
Come on, bud.
Thank you so much.
Oh, these are actually really cute.
Oh, so cute. What's your name?
Ooh, Titus!
I feel pretty good.
It is more--
I just tend to psych myself out, you know,
like when I go to the doctor
and I get shots I'm like, "Ugh!"
I think a lot of people find that super scary.
That to me is safer than like
one on one hanging out with someone in Hollywood.
I mean that-- that's fair.
This is how Whitney Cummings Does the Most.
♪♪
If you accidentally post a photo of your own nipple, who cares?
Just repost it.
It's a (bleep) nipple. Calm down.
Just accept the fact that animals are better than people.
Seriously if I had to choose between a dog's life
or my cousin's...
(Joel yelling)
Be kind to your robots, so when the machines do rise,
they'll know that you're one of the good guys.
(bleep) you.
♪♪
You can stop, and just hold your space.
Whoa!
This is a big deal.
This is so cool. I feel like we're friends.
You're the boss to him right now
because of how strong your intention was.
I'd say turn around
and walk away and see what happens.
Is he following?
Don't think about it, don't wonder.
I'm like that thirsty girl who's like--
Okay, we just got done with a date.
Is he gonna call? Is he gonna propose?
Did he start
a Pinterest page already with engagement rings?
As soon as you stopped thinking about whether he was gonna follow you,
that's when he started following you.
Oh my God, he is a boy!
Ahh!
So this is him just wanting to commun--
Does this do anything to the horse?
I think-- I mean
(laughing)
I'm impressed.
It took me years to do that.
Whitney, I think I own your horse now.
I think you're right. This is hurting my feelings.
Oh! Look at that booty.
I know. He's got an unbelievable tush.