What a year 2020's been so far.
The year started out great, new decade, new you, and then quickly spiraled out of control
with you ending up in a fight versus Baby Yoda, the Mandalorian, the Joker- you name
it and you've been in a battle royale for your life ever since this crappy year started.
Not to mention the time you took a job as a Combine Transhuman civil protection officer
and had your memories wiped so you could forget all about your past horrors, only to have
Gordon freaking Freeman reappear after twenty years and ruin your day all over again.
Well, that's it, you've had it, you're officially retiring from the world and buying a nice,
quaint suburban home somewhere where the biggest threat you'll have to worry about is your
neighbor Joe growing greener grass than yours.
Your first night into suburban bliss though, you wake up with the strong urge to check
the window.
Confused, you groggily walk to the window and peer outside, only to feel your blood
run cold.
Standing there, in a sort of half-crouch, is a person... no, it's a thing of some kind
that looks vaguely like a person!
This monster is tall, skinny, and has two deeply set eyes that are boring straight into
your soul.
Seriously!
You just can't catch a break, when did you officially take over Bruce Campbell's job
and become humanity's last line of defense against the evil, the wicked, and the... just
plain weird.
Well, you resign yourself to your fate as you reach for the nearest baseball bat, because
you may not have a chainsaw hand but you're now officially in a fight to the death against
the legendary internet monster, The Rake.
The Rake is a recently rediscovered monster with origins in the 12th century, when it
was first reported.
The creature appears to be extremely rare however, and there may have been accounts
pre-12th century but the 1100s is simply the earliest documented accounts of the creature
that have survived to this day.
What exactly the creature is though, remains a matter of discussion.
Accounts on the creature's behavior range from the benign to the outright hostile, with
some witnesses reporting that the creature simply observed them for long periods of time,
and others saying that they or someone they know was physically attacked by it.
Its motives are impossible to determine, and its transitions from peaceful observation
to violent outbursts are so alien that some have theorized that The Rake may indeed be
an extraterrestrial creature.
It's not even known if the entity is a single creature with an incredibly long life span,
or multiple creatures that have survived for centuries.
Where it originated is also unknown, as the earliest reports come from Europe, yet one
account from a sailor in 1681, during the exploration of the New World, seems to indicate
that the creature threatened him to return with his crew to England and never return.
While motives and even the nature of the creature are still unknown, there are two common behaviors
of The Rake widely reported in eyewitness accounts.
The first is its propensity to visit sleeping individuals who are awakened when they become
aware of its presence.
Nearly every time the creature is discovered sitting or crouching silently at the foot
of the bed, and oddly enough some witnesses claim to feel terror upon discovering it while
others feel curiosity or even a sense of compassion.
Upon realizing that the witness is awake, The Rake will approach and typically touch
the individual, sometimes causing an almost psychotic fear response that lingers long
after the creature has left.
Some investigators claim that the government is aware of the creature's origins or intentions
and is actively working to frustrate the efforts of research into The Rake.
After an outbreak of sightings in 2003, the story which was widely reported in the media
at the time, mysteriously disappeared from all media.
The information blackout even stretched into electronic sources and eyewitness accounts,
which were systematically purged from websites across the internet.
While who is behind the cover-up isn't known, what's clear is that only the US government,
or perhaps an alien entity, could have the resources to undertake such a massive purge
of information.
The Rake continues to be seen to this day, even occasionally being caught on infrared
camera traps used by hunters.
The creature stands at around six feet tall, though seems to prefer to move on all fours
and rarely ever stands unless threatened.
It has two deeply set eyes and a small mouth which unhinges to become much larger, displaying
rows of large but dulled teeth.
Its long fingers end in sharp claws, which it has often used to attack witnesses who
attempt to provoke or approach the creature.
While The Rake is physically tall, it's not particularly imposing though as it appears
to be very thin and scrawny, likely weighing in at around 150 lbs (68 kg).
Other than a viciously savage disposition when provoked or when randomly attacking individuals,
the Rake is not known to be particularly strong or fast, simply using the victim's own surprise
and terror to overwhelm them.
Attacks are not known to be fatal, though they can cause extreme injuries thanks to
the creature's small but sharp claws.
So The Rake is haunting your peaceful suburban slice of life, how are you going to fight
and defeat this creepy monster of the night?
First, you want to avoid getting bad-touched by the Rake, because it appears as if the
creature has the ability to impart extremely negative emotions through touch.
It’s possible the Rake has some low level psychic power that requires physical touch,
but can leave you filled with a crippling terror that can take weeks or even years to
overcome.
Given the creature's lack of physical strength, perhaps it developed this ability as a defense
mechanism.
To avoid the Rake's bad-touch, take the advice given to many altar boys and get yourself
a neoprene diving suit to wear under your clothes.
The skin-tight diving suit can be extremely difficult to remove without your consent,
and the half-inch thick layer of material is meant to insulate your body from freezing
ocean temperatures, perfect for blocking the bad-touch powers of The Rake or a renegade
Catholic priest.
With a hood, this leaves only your face exposed to potential bad-touches, though if you're
really concerned you can pick yourself up a hockey mask and protect your money maker.
The Rake's primary weapon seems to be its small but sharp claws, which your diving suit
won't protect from.
Take a tip from wildlife photographers and videographers and buy yourself a steel mesh
shark suit, meant to be worn over your diving suit.
The steel mesh suit has been worn by nature documentary makers all over the world, and
can protect from shark attacks up to a shark as big as a bull shark, making it perfect
for things like getting right in the middle of a school of hunting white-reef sharks.
You've protected yourself physically from The Rake, but there's one more ability to
be aware of.
Further evidence of The Rake's low level psychic abilities comes from its ability to project
a soothing or non-threatening aura to some witnesses, despite its monstrous appearance.
You don't want to take any chances and have this thing lull you into a sense of complacency
so it can bad-touch you all over the place, so you need to get into the right frame of
mind.
You need to get into, and stay in, a fighting mood.
And for that, there's literally nothing better than some good old Rage Against The Machine.
Back in the heyday of the 90s, Rage tried to warn us about the lack of affordable housing,
exploitation of workers by corporations, and the widening divide between the 2% wealthy
elite and the rest of us.
Today, well, let's just say that their music was nothing if not prophetic.
So channel into your inner anger at being denied a living wage while having your rent
increased every year, or the fact that no matter how hard you work you'll literally
never afford a home and spend most of your life repaying student loans which accrue interest.
It's time to get angry, and stay that way, it's time to rage against the rake.
But how to defeat the Rake?
Well, to be honest, it's not particularly difficult.
The creature may be creepy and have some low-level psychic abilities, but it's not super fast
nor super strong.
Most witnesses are too shocked by its terrifying appearance to react, but you're a modern day
Bruce Campbell, you've faced hordes of witches, aliens, and demons already.
This scrawny nerd is a piece of cake for you, so pick up that baseball bat and head on down
to pound town, because this internet meme is getting squashed for good.
Just avoid that bad touch.
Hey remember that time you yeeted your girlfriend out a window?
We do, so why not take a stroll down memory lane with You Versus Valak.
Or perhaps you'd rather watch this other awesome video over here.
Either way, click one now, or it's going to be you versus the infographic's favorite lab
rat if you don't click that button now!