Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
And perhaps you remember the review of the Cloverfield trailer that I did last summer.
I mean, what could it be?
Is it Donkey Kong?
My money's on Donkey Kong!
Maybe it's Jesus!
Maybe it's a giant robotic Donkey Kong Jesus riding a puff of smoke!
Hahahaha, hilarious.
Well, January 18th has finally hit, and I feel it only necessary to talk about the film that I ironically helped promote.
So, what is it that's terrifying all of New York in the middle of the night? Well, I'll tell you what it is:
A monster.
Just... a monster.
Not Donkey Kong or the Second Coming, it's just... a monster.
It's not even a famous monster, like Godzilla or Rodan or anything, it's just... a monster.
No twists, no backstory, no surprises.
Just a monster.
BULLSHIT!!!
All that buildup, all this time, all that effort, just for a fucking MONSTER?!
Suck my dick!
If I wanted to see monsters, I'd go to the DMV to get my license renewed!
But hell, you don't care about what it is. All you wanna know is, is it a good movie?
Well, let me tell you something.
THIS.
FILM.
WAS.
OKAY.
Just... okay. I mean, not good, not bad, it's just... okay.
How was the monster? It's okay.
How's the acting? It's okay.
How're the special effects? It's all okay!
It's like a giant, flaming nuclear ball of adequacy!
So if you like shaky cameras and monsters going "BLEHH!", chances are you're gonna like Cloverfield.
In fact, I could probably just reenact the movie for you right now just using my handheld camera.
In fact, that's not a bad idea. Hold on...
*fetus Bum voice* OH MY GOD, THERE'S A GIANT MONSTER OUTSIDE!
Things are blowing up, and I can't hold the camera straight!
I was just at a party where only the most beautiful people in New York could show up, and all of a sudden, all this stuff is happening!
Look outside—OOOH, LOOK OUTSIDE! Someone took the head of the Statue of Liberty!
Who would do that?! Who would do that?! A MONSTERRRRR!!
Oh my God, there it is! It's so big and horrible!
It's-it's kind of hard to explain what it looks like, I guess you'll just have to pay the eight bucks to see it in the movie theater!
That's, uh, that's actually kind of ingenious!
I'm just gonna shake the camera and, uh, scream some more!
AHHYAHBAHCHABLACHABLOOCHYPLOOCHYPLACHA!!!
Now I'm gonna take a minute, uh, to have a dramatic moment!
*sobbing* Oh, man... It's all gone... It's all gone....
OKAY, MOMENT OVER!
SCREAMING AND YELLING! SCREAMING AND YELLING! AH! AH!
Oh my God, the big monster's actually spitting out little monsters!
OH MY GOD! One bite to you, and your head actually EXPLODES!!
...ACTUALLY, THAT'S PRETTY COOL!
Oh my God, they killed the monster! They actually killed it! They destroyed it in the city! HALLELU—
—oh wait, no they didn't.
AAAAAAHHHHH!
Oh my God, the monster is about to eat me! Don't eat me, Mr. Monster!
AH! AH! AAAAAAHHHHHH!
*splort* Oh my God, he spat me out! He spat me—
OH MY GOD! He spat me onto the Island from Lost!
Locke! Locke, did you see the giant monster? He was so CREEPY!
Hey, is that guy from Lord of the Rings really dead?
I liked that guy! He was COOOL!
And that's pretty much the movie... well, except for that last part. That-that may not have happened.
But you get my drift. It's pretty much just a monster movie, nothing else.
If you like monster movies, you'll probably like Cloverfield.
But wait a minute! What about the title?
[VO] In my last review, I said that Cloverfield was merely the code word for the movie and not the actual title.
But then they suddenly started advertising it as Cloverfield! So what the hell?
Well, according to them, the "video" that documented all this was code-named Cloverfield, so that "technically" the movie doesn't have a name.
Just like I'm "technically" not gonna fork over eight more bucks to "technically" see this film again.
Screw you, Mr. Abrams!
You and your... adequate filmmaking!
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it because it's... adequate!
*Donkey Kong game theme*
*Captions provided using transcript from Channel Awesome Wiki (and best guess from ears) as reference. NC rocks*