- You get to the end of the date
and you're like waiting there,
like should I move my face closer
and look at your mouth
to indicate that I'm gonna kiss you?
("Hoxton Funkster")
- So, I met this girl online on a dating site
and we decided to have a meet up for a first date.
And it went terrible.
She drove me back to my place
and I just wanted to leave,
but she was like, "You know, I really
"gotta use the bathroom.
"Can I use your bathroom?"
So, she goes to use my bathroom,
and I'm waiting there for awhile.
And home girl comes out butt ass naked.
She's just like, "What's up?"
(laughs) I'm like, "Get the hell out of my apartment.
"You're done, that's it,
"I'm not being nice anymore."
And that was the end of that.
- When I was 15 I met a boy at a party
and we went on a date to the beach,
and we ate pizza, and we sat by the water.
It was so romantic.
And then he was driving me home
and I started to feel really sick.
Like really sick.
And I was like I can hold it, I can hold it in,
just get to your house.
You can do it.
And he stopped at my gate to like
punch in the gate code,
and I was like nope.
And I opened the car door and just puked outside of the car.
Just puked.
And then closed the door,
and was like (clears throat), "So, anyway."
Like he wasn't gonna notice what just happened.
He very politely dropped me off at my house
and did not kiss me.
- I met this girl through a mutual friend of ours,
and I asked her if she just wanted to go out to eat.
And as soon as the food got there
I realized that she was like the loudest eater on earth,
to the point where I was not paying attention
to a single thing she was saying.
And I snapped out of it for like one second,
and I just blurted out, "Yeah, I agree."
And apparently what she had said was,
"I need to lose weight."
So, there weren't anymore dates after that one.
- So, I was on a date with this guy
and it was going pretty well.
And then we got into like a really intense conversation.
And he was talking about how he had some issues
because at one point in time he had broken his penis,
and it wasn't quite fixed yet.
And I said to him, "You know,
"that's actually like a really big problem.
"You should probably get that checked out."
And he just looked at me, and he said,
"Yeah you know, maybe you can remind me to do it
"you know, tomorrow, or the next time that we meet."
And I was like, "I don't think so."
And I never called him again.
- So, I really liked this girl,
and it took her months to agree
to go out with me on a date.
And so the date goes really well.
She invites me back to her house.
Beautiful house.
She bakes, likes there's cookies and cakes.
I'm just like this is a dream.
This is like the best date ever.
And out walks her sister
to go to the refrigerator.
And we briefly make eye contact,
and then I realized that we made out
at a party a few weeks earlier.
After making eye contact with me,
they made eye contact with each other,
and went to her room.
They come out giggling.
And that was the end of my stay at their house.
(laughs)
- No kiss for ol' pizza puke breath.