Hi, I'm Amythest and welcome to Ask an Autistic. [music: I want a renaissance/ to shine a
light / be the change we want/ set things right/ we've been waiting in the dark for so long...]
In today's episode I'm going to be addressing a question from Tumblr and that question is
– 'What are the best and worst things to say to autistic people? And what should I
definitely avoid if I'm trying to make them comfortable?'
This is a good question and so I'm just going to jump right into a list of things that you
should not say to autistic people. Now, every autistic person is different, but these are
just general things that I have found that members of the autistic community tend to
not enjoy hearing from people. 'I never would have guessed that you are autistic.'
– This one is usually intended as a compliment and at first glance there's nothing really
wrong with it, but the fact is that if an autistic person can pass as neurotypical at
all or if they have perfected the art of passing to the point where most people don't know
that they're disabled, it is usually from a place of necessity and survival and is not
necessarily a positive thing. Many autistic people choose to try to pass as neurotypical
because they've been bullied or judged for who they really are. So even if it's meant
as a compliment, 'I never would have guessed you're autistic', or even 'you don't seem
autistic' aren't great things to hear especially when we are autistic and that is a big part
of us. 'You must be very high functioning.' – If
it's meant as a compliment the chances are that the person who said it just doesn't know
that high functioning and low functioning labels are inaccurate and can even be harmful
towards autistic people and that the concept of high functioning and low functioning in
the autistic spectrum is a false dichotomy. And if you are ever tempted to say 'you must
be very high functioning' or 'well, you're not low functioning' to try to dismiss an
autistic person's argument or life experiences.. please do not do that. Just don't do that.
'Isn't that just like, socially r*tard*d?' – Now firstly, the word retarded, which
I hate saying but I will say here for educational purposes, is not a word that should ever be
used. Never. Not talking about disabled people, not talking about non-disabled people, not
talking about an object or something that's frustrating you or a situation. The r-word
is a slur. It is an ableist slur and it has been used to oppress and dehumanize disabled
people for a long, long time. That being said, autism is not just being “socially retarded”,
it's not just being socially inept. Autism is a complex neurological disorder that has
many facets and yeah, social and communication differences and difficulties is one of those
facets, but only one. 'Did you know that you're rocking?' – This
could also be flapping your hands or fidgeting, but here's the thing about stimming. Autistic
people stim because we need to. And most of us, if not all of us, have been judged and
bullied for it in the past. So chances are we know that we're stimming, we may even be
hyper-aware of it. But if we are stimming, it's because we need to to get by in that
situation to deal with sensory overload or anxiety or stress. So if an autistic person
is stimming in your presence please don't bring it up because that can really put us
on the spot and make us feel embarrassed and then also we won't feel free to stim in front
of you in the future if we need to. The twin to that last one is telling us to stop rocking
or flapping or fidgeting. If an autistic person is stimming, it's because we need to stim
and it's our natural method of expression and movement and if it makes you uncomfortable
well, sorry - it's our well-being versus your embarrassment. So if you have an issue with
an autistic person stimming in your presence because you think it's embarrassing or it
looks weird, that is your problem that you need to deal with and you should not be forcing
the non-disabled ideal of normalized communication and expression onto autistic people in your
life. 'I think we're all a little autistic.' – If
you understand what autism is as a disability and a neurotype then you know that, no, not
everyone on the planet is a little bit autistic. Every person on the autism spectrum is autistic.
But most people are not autistic. People who say this one probably don't mean to be insulting
but it is, because it dismisses the reality of how hard it is to get by as an autistic
person in a non-autistic society. 'Are you sure? Autism is really over-diagnosed
nowadays.' – If somebody comes out to you as autistic please do not attempt to tell
them that autism is really over-diagnosed nowadays or that they may just be shy or quirky
or socially inept. An autistic person knows their brain and knows their life and experiences
much better than you do. And so if a person comes out to you and tells you that they are
autistic, they are trusting you and you should not attempt to downplay that or make light
of it or to suggest that they probably aren't autistic.
If somebody comes out to you as autistic or if you learn that somebody is autistic you
should probably not ask them what treatments or therapies they have tried to not be autistic.
Please do not ask us what kind of therapies we've done, like ABA. Please don't ask us
if we've tried gluten-free diets, please don't ask us if we've done chelation or hyperbaric
oxygen chambers.. just, just don't. Just don't do it.
'I think you mean that you have Asperger's.' – If somebody comes out to you as autistic
or you learn that they identify as autistic you should not correct them with the term
Asperger's. Looking past the fact that Asperger's isn't even a diagnosis anymore in North America
thanks to the introduction of the DSM-V, people with Asperger's are autistic. And if they
want to identify as autistic and introduce themselves as such, it is not your place as
a non-autistic person to correct them. In the same vein, if somebody introduces themself
or somebody comes out to you as autistic, please do not correct them and say – 'Don't
you mean you're a person with autism? You have to put the person first!'
The reason for this one is twofold. Firstly, most autistic people actually prefer identity-first,
not person-first language. This is the same as the blind and the deaf community who largely
prefer to use identity-first language. So instead of 'a person with autism' most of
the autistic adults and self-advocates that I've spoken to prefer 'autistic person'. Secondly,
even if that wasn't the case every autistic person has the right to choose how they introduce
themselves, how they identify. They are the autistic ones, it is their disability, and
so if they want to be autistic, a person with autism, an Aspie, an aspergerian, a spectrumite..
they get to decide what they are called and so you should not correct them. You should
just roll with it, even if you don't necessarily agree.
'But you're not disabled, right?' – This question often comes from a place of confusion
but it really shouldn't be asked of autistic people because autism is a disability. And
whether or not that person in front of you looks disabled, if they are autistic, they
have a disability. And there are lots and lots and lots of disabilities that are invisible.
And there are lots of people with cognitive or developmental or learning disabilities
that can 'pass' as non-disabled or as neurotypical. So even if you don't mean it this way, insisting
that an autistic person isn't really disabled or that they don't seem disabled to you erases
how hard it is to be autistic and to be disabled. And as a bonus, here is one that I've actually
heard a surprising amount and it is – 'I thought only kids were autistic?'
This, again not coming from a place of maliciousness. Just, they're not educated. But yes, if you
are ever wondering, autism is a developmental, lifelong disability. It is a neurological
condition that is present since birth and until death. So yes an autistic person is
an autistic child but all autistic children grow up into autistic adults. And hey I can't
fault the average person out there for thinking that there are no autistic adults. Because
organizations like Autism Speaks would have you believe that there are no autistic adults,
and that the potential futures of autistic children are bleak and hopeless and awful.
So you don't hear very much about autistic adults in the media. Especially not media
coming from organizations like Autism Speaks. But we exist and we're out here. Now, that
was a list of things that you should not say to an autistic person. And now you're wondering
'okay, where is the list of things that I should say?'. If I did that list it would
be really long because it's everything that you would say to a non-autistic person. I
find that a good rule to go by is to treat autistic people like we're people. And I know
I'm being a little bit sassy right now, but people get kind of hung up on the fact that
a person is different. So while an autistic person might be shy when they first meet you
or if you introduce yourself they might not respond in the normal or socially acceptable
way, just go for it, just treat us like we're people and try not to ask autism-specific
questions when you're first meeting an autistic person. Something I can pretty much guarantee
will go over well – but only do this if you're actually willing to listen – is asking
an autistic person about their special interests. You don't have to say it like 'so what's your
special interest?', but you can ask us what we're interested in right now, or what we're
reading. Or if you already know an autistic person and you want to know how to talk to
us and how to connect with us, chances are we would love to talk at you about our special
interest. And if you know an autistic person and you know what their special interest is
– ask us about it! Because autistic people, we are very passionate about our special interests
and if you want to get to know us better and if you want to show that you are willing to
listen and know us, asking about our special interest and then listening actively is a
good way to do it. And if you really, really, really need to know something about autism
from an autistic person, first you should make sure that you've googled. Because there
are lots of cool resources out there written by autistic people for non-autistic people
about autism. Secondly, you should make sure that you phrase the question in a way that
isn't accusatory, and that doesn't demean us or minimize how tough it is to get by as
an autistic person in a non-autistic society. While there are things that you should be
considerate about and sensitive of when you're talking to an autistic person I find that,
again, the best general rule is to treat us like a person.
So this is my list of things that you should probably not say to autistic people if you
do not want to make us angry or uncomfortable. I'm sure there are lots of things that I missed.
And if you are autistic feel free to post your suggestions of things that you would
not like to hear in the comments section and also things that you would like to hear.
If you like this video feel free to give it a thumbs up and subscribe to my channel for
more. And if you have an autism-related question feel free to post it in the comments section
or message it to me. Thank you for watching Ask an Autistic!
[music: I want a renaissance / to shine a light / be the change we want/set things right / we've been waiting in the dark for so long...]