One of the big misconceptions I think people have about Judaism is that they see
it as a religion.
Why do I say that – because a religion implies that you keep a set of rules and laws and
if you do them then God will put you in heaven and he’ll feed you brownies for all eternity.
But that’s not how I believe Judaism works.
A far more appropriate paradigm for understanding the basis of Judaism is another word beginning
with “r” – it’s a “relationship”.
Ultimately what the Torah aims to do is to develop a relationship between humanity and
the Almighty.
And the second you see the Torah in that light I genuinely believe that it changes your perspective
on everything.
Let me show you how.
What im about to share with you is based on a class given by a Rabbi called Motty Berger.
It’s called “The three rules of relationships” and it’s based on the principle that because
God wants to have a relationship with us, one of the reasons he placed us on an earth
among other people was to teach us about relationships.
God could have easily chosen to place every human being, all of us, on separate universes
to achieve our life mission, but he chose to place us among each other.
God wants us to live our lives among other people.
Why?
One reason is -because by building relationships with other people, we can learn basic lessons
about what it means to have a relationship with God.
And there are three fundamental lessons we can learn from all human relationships that
teach us about having a relationship with God – so here they are.
Rule 1 - The quality of a relationship is determined by our ability to choose it, and
part of choosing means our ability to say ‘no’.
Why is it that parents give endlessly to their children and yet the children are almost craving
to leave their parents’ home by the time they reach adulthood?
Because the parents chose the relationship with their child and thus their bond to their
child is far more powerful than the child’s bond to them.
Every time they gave to their child they chose the relationship.
From changing their nappies to driving them to school every day.
Meanwhile the child is mainly a passive recipient.
The parents are in tears when the child leaves home but often the child is exhilarated.
Parents love their children more than the children love their parents.
No offence mum and dad, I honestly do love you both, but it’s just, you love me more!
The same is true of the teacher-student relationships.
If the student is forced to sit in class while the teacher chose the profession out of a
desire to help others, the teacher will feel a far deeper connection to the student than
the other way around.
The extent to which one is able to choose to have a relationship will determine its
strength and part of choosing the relationship means our ability to reject it: this is free
will, if we cannot say “no” to the relationship then it is forced upon us, and is far less
profound.
So when it comes to our relationship with God, it is only through our choices that we
can build the relationship.
Ricky Gervais, a very amusing comedian I must say, once said something that stuck with me.
He’s an atheist and talking to a crowd of students he said, “If there’s a God, why
did he make me an atheist?”
But the point is Ricky, God did not make you an atheist, you chose to be an atheist, and
God gave you the ability, the freedom, to make that decision.
If God doesn’t give us the ability to choose a relationship with Him, if he forced it on
us, then the relationship has little value.
We have to choose it for it to have value.
Rule 2 – The quality of a relationship is determined by the one who wants it least.
A guy can be completely in love with a girl, but if she is not so keen, she has the power
to determine the relationship’s strength – she is the one in control.
I remember I had a friend who was desperate to continue a relationship with this girl,
but the girl wasn’t so interested.
“Oh sure Ollie - a “friend!- whatever!”
Anyway the point is - Who had the power in the relationship?
She did – it was up to her whether the relationship would continue or not.
The one who wants the relationship least has all the power.
So what about when it comes to us and God, who has the power?
Who wants the relationship more, us or God?
Well God created us out of an indescribable desire to give, an incomprehensible altruism
where God can gain nothing in return, for He has no needs.
God’s love for each of us is infinite.
And us?
Ours is finite.
God is totally committed to His relationship with humanity, but our constant battles between
connecting and disconnecting from God make us the one’s in control of the relationship’s
quality.
We have the power, we determine the strength of the relationship.
Near the beginning of the Torah, when God creates man He says, “Let us make man in
Our image”1 The commentaries ask: Why does God say “let US make man”?
Who was God talking to?
One of the answers is that He was talking to man.
Because while God can provide man with the opportunity to connect to Him, man has the
power to determine whether or not he will choose a life connected to God or disconnected.
When it comes to our relationship with God, we have all the power.
Rule 3 (Slide) - The quality of a relationship is determined by the extent to which both
sides are similar to each other, in terms of their will, goals and values.
(repeat).
For example, the more two friends care about each other’s feelings, values and aspirations,
the closer they will become.
One of the most important aspects in looking for a partner is finding one with whom you
share similar beliefs and goals – without this, the relationship is doomed - it will
lead to clashes and conflict.
“Opposites attract” is not really true – Hitler and Rosa Parks would not have had
a particularly pleasant dinner together.
Different strengths, interests and skills may compliment each other, but when it comes
to fundamental values, both parties need to be on the same page to have a thriving relationship.
Love means what matters to you matters to me.
So how do we share the same will, goals and values of God?
By caring about His will for the world.
What is his will?
The Torah.
By committing ourselves to God’s will for the world, we become partners with Him in
perfecting the world and building our relationship with Him.
As it says in the ethics of the fathers, “make His will your will”2.
It is asked why it was ok for Abraham to stop talking to God and help the strangers coming
towards him in the book of Genesis – imagine – you’re talking to God and you say, sorry
God I’ve gotta take care of some strangers coming towards me.
In fact the Torah commends him for doing so.
Why?
The answer is that better than talking to God is being like God.
Ultimately God wants to see us emulate His goodness in this world, and by doing so, by
sharing God’s will with our will, we strengthen our relationship with him.
We learn from human relationships that the more similar our will, values, and goals are
to God’s, the stronger the relationship will become.
To be created “in God’s image” means to have the ability to make God’s will our
own.
God made human relationships share the same fundamental dynamics as our relationship with
God; a central lesson we learn is that the only one responsible for strengthening the
relationship is ourselves.
People often get the wrong message when they hear the words “reward” and “punishment”
with regard to having a relationship with God.
In truth, it should be seen as a consequence.
If a husband chooses not to give a present to his wife on their anniversary, will he
be punished?
Well…perhaps!
But the point is that he is damaging the relationship – that is the outcome – and thus he is
hurting himself.
If he does choose to give her a gift, the relationship will benefit.
Similarly, mitzvoth, Torah commandments are simply ways of connecting to God, and the
extent to which we choose them determines the strength of the relationship with him.
Ultimately it’s not about reward and punishment, heaven and hell, all its about is connection
– how connected are we going to be to the ultimate goodness – and that’s a choice
only we can make.
I'm Ollie Anisfeld and you're watching J-TV.