SPEAKING OF DELUSIONAL, A LITTLE BIT LATER ON, I'LL BE TALKING TO
AUTHOR OF THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE TELL-ALL, "FIRE AND FURY,"
MICHAEL WOLFF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I BELIEVE, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
AN EXCLUSIVE, THIS IS THE ONLY INTERVIEW HE'S DOING FOR THE HIS
BOOK.
ALL THE OTHERS WERE INTERVIEWS ABOUT WHEN HE WOULD BE
INTERVIEWED FOR THE BOOK.
THE B OOK IS JUST PACKED WITH NUGGETS OF OHMYGOD.
IS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT YET,
HERE'S THE CLIFF NOTES: "TRUMP DUMB.
STAFF WORRIED."
FOR INSTANCE, WHEN ONE OF HIS ADVISERS SAT DOWN WITH TRUMP TO
EXPLAIN THE CONSTITUTION, HE SAYS, "I GOT AS FAR AS THE
FOURTH AMENDMENT BEFORE HIS FINGER IS PULLING DOWN ON HIS
LIP AND HIS EYES ARE ROLLING BACK IN HIS HEAD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) "BORING.
GET TO THE PART WITH THE RAPPING AND THE MUSIC.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS THING WON A TONY.
WHERE'S PUMBA?" ( LAUGHTER )
"YOU KNOW, THOMAS JEFFERSON HIMSELF SAID ACUMBAMETADA.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS BOOK HAS LED A LOT OF
PEOPLE TO QUESTION WHETHER TRUMP IS MENTALLY STABLE ENOUGH TO BE
PRESIDENT.
SPOILER ALERT: BUT ON SATURDAY, TRUMP SLAPPED
BACK THE NOTION THAT HE'S INCOMPETENT, TWEETING,
"ACTUALLY, THROUGHOUT MY LIFE, MY TWO GREATEST ASSETS HAVE BEEN
MENTAL STABILITY AND BEING, LIKE, REALLY SMART."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) BEING "LIKE" REALLY SMART IS NOT
THE SAME THING AS BEING REALLY SMART.
( LAUGHTER ) TOOTSIE ROLLS ARE LIKE
CHOCOLATE, IF CHOCOLATE WAS MADE OF BROWN WAX AND DISAPPOINTMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, I THINK IT'S WORTH
MENTIONING THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE MENTALLY STABLE GENERALLY DON'T
ANNOUNCE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE GOING UNDER FOR
SURGERY, THE LAST THING YOU WANT YOUR DOCTOR TO SAY IS "DON'T
WORRY, I'M MENTALLY STABLE AND, LIKE, REALLY SMART."
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S START STABBING!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HE CONTINUED: "I WENT FROM VERY SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN, TO TOP
T.V. STAR DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, TO
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES -- ON MY FIRST TRY.
I THINK THAT WOULD QUALIFY AS NOT SMART, BUT GENIUS DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT, AND A VERY STABLE GENIUS AT THAT!"
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: "YES, THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT, EXTREMELY IMPORTANT,
OKAY?
LOOK, I'M A VERY STABLE GENIUS.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, IT'S PAST MY CHEESEBURGER'S
BEDTIME.
LET'S GO ."
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH."
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE ALL KNOW GENIUSES SPEND
MOST OF THEIR TIME TALKING ABOUT HOW SMART THEY ARE.
I BELIEVE IT WAS RENE DESCARTES WHO SAID, "I THINK, THEREFORE, I
AM, LIKE, REALLY SMART."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE TRUMP TWEET-TACULAR THEN
SWERVED OFF-ROAD TO CITE A FLATTERING "NEW YORK POST"
ARTICLE: "HIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE AN ENORMOUSLY CONSENSUAL
PRESIDENCY."
( LAUGHTER ) WE DID NOT CONSENT.
( APPLAUSE ) WE HAD A SAFE WORD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SIR, WE AGREED ON A SAFE WORD.
IT'S "YOU LOST THE POPULAR VOTE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, IF "CONSENSUAL" SEEMS LIKE
THE WRONG WORD, THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS.
THE ACTUAL QUOTE IS, "AN ENORMOUSLY CONSEQUENTIAL
PRESIDENCY."
"MY PRESIDENCY IS VERY CONGENITAL, LIFE BEGINS AT
CONSUMPTION, AND BY THE WAY, MY MENTAL STABILITY IS EXTREMELY
CONJUNCTIVITIS."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
OF COURSE, THE BIGGEST SOURCE FOR MICHAEL WOLFF'S BOOK IS
FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR, STEVE BANNON.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT STEVE, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE WHEN
THINGS ARE GOING WELL.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S GOTTEN A LOT OF HEAT,
BECAUSE, IN THE BOOK, BANNON CALLED DON, JR.'S TRUMP TOWER
MEETING WITH RUSSIANS TREASONOUS AND UNPATRIOTIC.
BUT AFTER GETTING ATTACKED BY THE PRESIDENT AND THREATENED
WITH LOSING HIS JOB, HE FOLDED LIKE AN ORIGAMI CUCK, WRITING,
"DONALD TRUMP, JR. IS BOTH A PATRIOT AND A GOOD MAN."
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DON, JR. IS A PATRIOT, SO THAT MEETING WASN'T TREASONOUS AND
UNPATRIOTIC.
IT WAS JUST TREASONOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LIAM NEESON IS HERE.
BUT, WHEN WE COME BACK, DID YOU SEE STEPHEN MILLER ON JAKE
TAPPER YESTERDAY?
WE DID!
STICK AROUND.