- Let me tell you something,
I grew up in New York and I thought
that New York was the bee's knees.
You know, that's what happens when you live in a big city.
You think everything else is shitty, right?
But now I'm older, I have different tastes
and expectations for my quality of life.
Now, when I travel America, I get jealous.
Like, oh my God, y'all got air and sun out here?
Look at this!
Y'all got Walmarts open 24 hours? Look at this!
That's what I love about Walmarts, being a city girl,
because they have so much random stuff, you know?
And they put things next to each other
to convince you to buy all of it.
You go to Walmart, like I'm only here for some iced tea
and this hand grenade, look at that!
I didn't even know I needed a hand grenade
until I got thirsty, thank you!
That's the problem with America.
We have too much excess, too much.
We have too much stuff to choose from, you know?
And I'm dealing with like a generational clash
in my own house.
I feel like the old lady now
'cause my brother is 15 years younger than me.
I live with a millennial, all right?
I'm 38. He's 23.
Every day I wish I dropped him.
(audience laughs)
Every day he makes me feel like I'm a bad person, right?
He's always checking me about things
that I didn't know were now out of vogue.
One day he walked into the living room,
he has on a peach tee shirt, he goes,
"Chloe, what do you think about this shirt?
Is it too feminine?"
I'm like, "No, it's a regular peach tee shirt."
He goes, "Trick question. Gender's fluid."
Get out of my house! (audience laughs)
I didn't sign up for this, do you understand?
That is cultural entrapment.
You can't trip me up on stuff I didn't know was out of.
(audience laughs)
Another day, he walks in, we're having a conversation.
He was like, "Yo, I'm going to this bar around the corner."
And I know that this bar is a gay bar.
So I was like, "Oh, look at you going to a gay bar.
That's so progressive."
He goes, "Chloe, uh huh. Uh huh.
We don't say gay anymore. We say queer."
Now I feel like an old lady,
'cause I grew up with queer being a derogatory term.
You didn't call somebody unless you was ready to fight.
So now I'm puzzled (audience laughs)
'cause I'm looking at my 23-year-old millennial brother
like where did you broke mother (beep)
get the PR budget (audience laughs)
to spin this word around?
Do you understand?
He makes me feel like a bad person.
And I know I'm a good person.
I'm a good person. I give to charity.
All right. In my mind, in my mind.
(audience laughs)
You ever see a commercial, you be like,
bing, bing, bing, $10, there you go.
(audience laughs)
I'ma be honest with you, I don't march.
I don't go out there and march.
I'm too tall to March. I'm 6'1.
I'm head and shoulders above most people
and that's just two rubber bullets to the dome.
I don't want that. (audience laughs)
I don't want that.
Mm mm, no thank you, you know?
Then they start throwing tear gas
and it's gonna rise up to my nostrils.
I'm lactose intolerant. I can't even put milk in my eyes.
No, thank you.
No I'm not protesting over whatever the goofy bullshit
of the day is, I'm sorry.
I'm a native of New Yorker.
I've done my fair share of protests.
Don't look at me like that, okay?
'Cause in New York, you just turn a corner,
and end up in some shit.
Like what we protesting today, what?
Dolphins? Mammoths?
What are we upset about?
I don't, I'm just trying to go to the drug store
and get my Plan B, I didn't know
I'm on my own mission. Thank you.
(audience laughs)
That's what I be going through so much politically.
Everybody's just trying to fix everything
with all of these, like, you know, grandiose ideas.
And I, I want to support Kamala, Kamala?
Kamala? Kamala Harris.
She's only half Black.
I just got to get half of her name right.
(audience laughs)
The Harris part. I got the Harris part.
Kamala, Kamala Harris.
She came up with this new idea for debt, you know,
forgiveness for student loan debt.
But it's so hard. It's so complicated.
You gotta fill out paperwork.
You gotta start a business in an underprivileged,
underserved neighborhood, that's work.
First of all, that's how we got student debt
in the first place, signing shit we didn't read.
(audience laughs)
You just was like, what?
How much is the interest rate?
Fuck it, I'm going to college.
Screw y'all, woo hoo!
First day on campus, I went to debt.
I got a dumb ass credit card for a Frisbee.
You think I'm of any use?
They was like, "This APR is pretty high."
I was like, "Give me that fucking Frisbee.
I don't give a shit.
How long it'll be in my credit report?
I can have this Frisbee for like three years.
That's three good years of Frisbee-ing."
(audience laughs)
I still have student loan debt. I do.
I graduated, 20 years ago I graduated college.
Oh yeah. 20 years ago.
No, that's not true.
A long time ago I graduated college
and clearly I didn't study math, and,
but I'm just saying,
I still have student loan debt after all these years, right?
And my thing is like, I don't ever want to pay it off.
Like that's my FU to college.
Like I hope this Earth burns down
before I get a zero balance on my student loans.
You understand me?
I want to see an asteroid coming.
I'll be like (beep) you bursars office!
Never paying that debt off to the last dime.
I want it on my, I want the balance on my tombstone.
(audience laughs)
That's what,
it's stupid, why are we paying this down?
It's so dumb to pay for that.
Listen, I understand when college first came,
that was how you, you know, told people
that they were not like everybody else, you know like,
oh, you're too dumb.
You can't go to college.
You can't afford it.
But then everybody was like,
no, we on the same playing field.
It was like, all right,
let's just up their credit for the rest of their life.
So you can't get a house, but you got a degree.
I'd rather have a house and be dumb as shit.
Do you understand?
I got a degree in journalism.
It's useless. People don't read.
They don't read. I was a journalist for over 10 years.
And even my own family was like, "The pictures are nice."
I'm like, "I didn't take the (beep) pictures!"
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)