WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'VE GOT TO SAY, IT IS FANTASTIC!
GOOD TO GO AWAY, GOOD TO HAVE A BREAK BUT IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
I DID NOT WATCH A LOT OF NEWS OVER THE FOURTH OF JULY WEEK
BECAUSE I LIKE TO CELEBRATE MY LOVE FOR THIS COUNTRY BY NOT
WATCHING WHAT'S HAPPENING TO IT.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I SOBERED UP THIS MORNING AND
EVERYBODY'S STILL TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA.
BUT HERE'S THE THING -- THERE'S NO EVIDENCE OF COLLUSION OR EVEN
THE DESIRE TO COLLUDE WITH THE RUSSIANS BY ANYONE IN THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN...
IS SOMETHING THAT WAS TRUE 48 HOURS AGO.
BECAUSE, NOW, YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE LEARNED YESTERDAY THAT LAST
JUNE 9, DONALD TRUMP, JR. MET WITH A RUSSIAN LAWYER AFTER
BEING PROMISED DAMAGING INFORMATION ON HILLARY CLINTON.
WOW.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH.
YOU TOOK THE "OOH" RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU COULD KNOCK ME OVER WITH
WHATEVER YOU USE TO KNOCK OVER SOMEONE WHO ISN'T THE LEAST BIT
SURPRISED.
THE MEETING TOOK PLACE AT TRUMP TOWER AND INCLUDED JARED
KUSHNER, AND THEN-TRUMP CAMPAIGN MANAGER PAUL MANAFORT.
AND PROVES THAT AT LEAST SOME IN THE CAMPAIGN WERE WILLING TO
ACCEPT RUSSIAN HELP.
SO IT'S NOT A SMOKING GUN, BUT IT IS A GUN MEETING WITH A
RUSSIAN BULLET ABOUT THEIR MUTUAL DESIRE TO SMOKE.
PRETTY DAMNING, BUT DON, JR. HAS A GOOD EXPLANATION.
"IT WAS A SHORT INTRODUCTORY MEETING.
I ASKED JARED AND PAUL TO STOP BY.
WE PRIMARILY DISCUSSED A PROGRAM ABOUT THE ADOPTION OF RUSSIAN
CHILDREN."
YES, I THINK THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT THE ADOPTION OF LITTLE
TIMMY KISLYAK.
( LAUGHTER ) ADORABLE.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: ADORABLE.
WON'T SOMEONE REACH OUT?
SOMEONE REACH OUT.
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SO, MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING...
OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT FIVE WHITE HOUSE ADVISERS CONFIRMED
THAT DON JUNIOR ONLY TOOK THE MEETING BECAUSE THE LAWYER
PROMISED TO PROVIDE DAMAGING INFORMATION ON HILLARY CLINTON.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OOH, AH --
SO LIKE ALL THE MOST INNOCENT PEOPLE, DON, JR. OFFERED A
SECOND EXPLANATION.
"I WAS ASKED TO HAVE A MEETING BY AN ACQUAINTANCE I KNEW FROM
THE 2013 MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT WITH AN INDIVIDUAL WHO I WAS
TOLD MIGHT HAVE INFORMATION HELPFUL TO THE CAMPAIGN.
I WAS NOT TOLD HER NAME PRIOR TO THE MEETING.
I ASKED JARED AND PAUL TO ATTEND BUT TOLD THEM NOTHING OF THE
SUBSTANCE."
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, LET'S BREAK THIS DOWN.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT, DURING THE HEIGHT OF THE
CAMPAIGN, ON THE ADVICE OF A GUY HE MET AT THE MISS UNIVERSE
PAGEANT, DON, JR. SAID, "HEY JARED, PAUL, I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE
BUSY, BUT I NEED YOU TO COME TO A MEETING."
"WITH WHO?" "I DON'T KNOW."
( LAUGHTER ) "ABOUT WHAT?"
"I'M NOT TELLING YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY, WE'RE IN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT'S HIS STORY.
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
NOW, DON, JR. CLAIMS HE DIDN'T KNOW HER NAME.
TURNS OUT, SHE'S A KREMLIN-CONNECTED LAWYER NAMED
NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA.
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH SHE ALSO ANSWERS TO HER
BOND-GIRL NAME, "CORRUPTION GALORE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( BOND MUSIC )
THAT SOUND CUE WAS NOT INDICATED IN THE SCRIPT HERE.
GENERALLY, THEY TELL ME WHEN THAT'S GOING TO COME.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, REMEMBER, DON, JR. WAS
THERE TO RECEIVE DAMAGING INFORMATION ABOUT HILLARY
CLINTON, BUT HE WAS DISAPPOINTED BY NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA, SAYING
HER STATEMENTS WERE VAGUE, AMBIGUOUS AND MADE NO SENSE.
SO, OBVIOUSLY, SHE WAS HIRED AS A TRUMP SPEECHWRITER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) INSTEAD, NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA
CHANGED THE SUBJECT TO RUSSIAN ADOPTION, AND DON, JR. SAYS,
"IT BECAME CLEAR TO ME THAT THIS WAS THE TRUE AGENDA ALL ALONG
AND THAT THE CLAIMS OF POTENTIALLY HELPFUL INFORMATION
WERE A PRETEXT FOR THE MEETING."
SO THE EXCUSE IS I TRIED TO COLLUDE, BUT I DIDN'T GET
ANYTHING.
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S LIKE SAYING, "YES YOUR
HONOR, I BROKE INTO THE HOUSE, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING WORTH
STEALING.
SO IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THEY WERE ROBBING ME."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND DON, JR. IS CAREFUL TO POINT OUT THAT, "MY FATHER KNEW
NOTHING OF THE MEETING OR THESE EVENTS."
SO WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT DONALD TRUMP HAD NO IDEA
WHAT WAS HAPPENING AT THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF HIS OWN
CAMPAIGN?
YEAH, CHECKS OUT.
AND THE "ACQUAINTANCE" FROM MISS UNIVERSE WHO SET UP THIS
MEETING BETWEEN DON, JR. AND THE RUSSIAN ATTORNEY IS A GUY NAMED
ROB GOLDSTONE, A MUSIC PUBLICIST WHO, ON THE DAY AFTER TRUMP'S
ELECTION, POSTED A PICTURE OF HIMSELF ON INSTAGRAM WEARING A
RUSSIA T-SHIRT.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
HE'S JUST WEARING THE CHAMPIONSHIP MERCHANDISE.
ALL THE HILLARY T-SHIRTS WERE SENT TO SMALL VILLAGES IN
THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HERE'S THE THING --
YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT THE FACTS OF THIS STORY WITHOUT SOUNDING
LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.
BECAUSE GOLDSTONE, WHO SET UP THIS MEETING, DID IT AT THE
REQUEST OF A RUSSIAN POP STAR HE MANAGES NAMED EMIN AGARALOV, WHO
IS THE SON OF ARAS AGARALOV, BILLIONAIRE RUSSIAN OLIGARCH,
FRIEND OF PUTIN, AND SPONSOR OF TRUMP'S 2013 MISS UNIVERSE
PAGEANT.
TRUMP EVEN APPEARED IN ONE OF EMIN AGARALOV'S VIDEOS --
>> EMIN, LET'S GET WITH IT.
YOU'RE ALWAYS LATE.
YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER PRETTY FACE.
I'M REALLY TIRED OF YOU.
YOU'RE FIRED.
♪♪ IN ANOTHER NIGHT WE WOULD BE
TOGETHER ♪ ♪ THIS WOULD LAST FOREVER ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GOT SWEPT UP.
I DID NOT KNOW THE FALL OF WESTERN DEMOCRACY HAD SUCH A
PHAT BEAT. ( LAUGHTER )