[SOUND]
[MUSIC]
[SOUND]
[DRUM
BEAT].
Gentlemen, you're all here because you have something in common.
If you figure it out, you're free to leave.
If you don't, consider yourselves trapped here forever.
- What?
- No.
- I have a date tonight.
- Forever.
- I'm sorry, I missed what she said.
Did she say, we're here forever?
- Yes, she said forever.
[NOISE]
[MUSIC]
- [CROSSTALK]
[LAUGH].
It's locked.
- So, what do we have in common?
What could it be?
- I certainly don't know.
- None of you seem familiar to me.
- Well let's start telling each other about ourselves and
maybe we'll figure it out.
- I'll go first.
I'm a man of letters.
I find there is nothing better than learning from books.
I have an extensive home library that is filled to the tippy top with books.
And trust me, I can afford a lot of books on my NBA salary, as the power forward for
the Chicago Bulls.
My favorite book, Moby Dick.
- God, that is a good one.
[MUSIC]
- Books are not for me.
- I'll go next.
I'm a self-made millionaire.
I love my yacht, more than anything, and
I race it around the world every chance I get.
Zoom.
A normal day for me might involve shoving caviar down my throat,
sending my scuba man down to the bottom of the ocean to look for pearls.
- Scuba man.
- And tracking down the rarest of pennies for my penny loafers.
Course, I can't do any of that during the NBA season.
The Chicago Bulls would be none too pleased to have a missing point guard,
I'm sure you can assume.
- I've got the connection!
- What?
- You know what, I don't, I don't, I don't know what it is.
What is it, I don't know why I said that.
I don't know, what could it be.
- Come on.
- I got so excited.
- Back to square one - [DRUM BEAT].
[MUSIC]
[PAPER RATTLING].
Smile.
Smile, I think it would be a good look for you.
- Do I know you?
- No.
- But you're telling me what to do with my face?
- I just think you look pretty with a smile, that's all.
All women do.
- Oh.
How's this?
- Okay.
- I feel like it's helping already.
More people will like me and I'll do better in business.
- Okay, you're being, you're being sarcastic.
- No, I'm totally serious.
Thank you!
Women!
Women everywhere!
[HORN].
A random man has life advice!
[MUSIC]
[CROSSTALK] - Wait!
Tell them what you told me, random man.
- I just said smile.
- With our faces?
- You mean, when we're happy?
- No!
All the time, even if we're just thinking or angry or very, very sad.
- I didn't say that.
- How's this?
- That's weird.
That's weird.
I get it.
- No, you're really on to something random man,
telling us what to do with our lives.
Let's test it.
- Oh, you've got the job.
- The job?
- Yes.
[APPLAUSE] - All right, stop.
Come on, all I said was that women look pretty when they smile.
It's not obviously appropriate for every situation.
- Get in line ladies.
The random man with no job wants to evaluate our life
circumstances in assigned facial expression.
- Come on, all I did was make one offhand comment.
You know what?
I'm done with my paper, I'm going home.
- You can't leave.
How would we know what to do with our faces?
What do we do with our faces.
- It's a nightmare, it's just a nightmare.
- What do we do with our faces.
- Jesus Christ, I don't know, do whatever the hell you want with your faces.
They're your faces.
- Oh, so like we were doing before.
- Yeah.
- Well this has been a very confusing afternoon.
- Women don't usually listen to me.
[MUSIC]
[DRUM BEAT]. - We've got a professor and
a millionaire who have absolutely nothing in common.
Now what?
- I suppose I'll go.
I'm a retired colonel.
Marines.
I didn't know what else to do with myself once I retired,
so I decided to join the NBA team the Chicago Bulls.
I really do miss being a Marine though, a lot.
But, being a small forward on the Chicago Bulls has really helped fill that void.
- Wait a minute.
What was that last thing you said?
- About currently playing for the Chicago Bulls?
- No, before that.
About being a Marine.
- That's right. I was a Marine.
- I think I have something.
You were a Marine.
You own a yacht.
And you, a lover of Moby Dick.
A lover of Moby Dick.
Myself.
I'm a chef.
My favorite dish, salmon.
A fish from the sea.
Perhaps there is a nautical theme here.
Perhaps that is the thing that ties us all together.
Oh, where's my notebook?
[SOUND]. Pesky basketballs from my NBA
team the Chicago Bulls, out of the way!
[BALL BOUNCING].
Please say you have a nautical sort of connection, please.
- No.
- Say you have some sort of nautical relation.
- I'm thinking.
- A connection.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- I'm thinking. [CROSSTALK]
[MUSIC]
- Things have been a little strange with Carl.
No, it's not the kids.
It's his work. He just won't leave it at the office.
He just always brings his work home with him.
[DOOR OPENING].
Oh, Carl's home I got to go.
- Hello.
- How was the wig testing plant today?
- Fine, honey.
Is something wrong, Janet?
- You know how I feel about you bringing your work home with you, Carl.
- [SIGH] Janet, we've been over this.
I'm a wig tester.
I test wigs for a living.
It's something I have to do.
- Dinner's on the table, let's just eat.
- [SIGH]
- Carl please take off your wig at the table.
You're getting wig in the food.
- These wigs aren't gonna test themselves.
- You can stop testing for a little while.
It won't make a difference if you wait until tomorrow.
- Yes it will.
I'm so backed up.
I have to test all these wigs by tomorrow.
In fact, I have to test another one right now.
- You know, Johnson's wife says he doesn't do this stuff at home.
- Johnson is the boss' son.
I wasn't born into the wig tester industry.
I have to work twice as hard.
- Oh Carl, I know, I know.
You work so hard.
My sweet man.
Look at that face.
[KISS] I just think it would be nice
to see your head once in a while, instead of a hairpiece.
- Hairpiece?
This is a wig.
Hairpieces are for bald men.
Wigs are for everybody.
- Whatever.
- I don't like your attitude.
- I don't like your wig.
- Good.
It's an ugly nerd wig.
You're not supposed to like it.
- Here's an idea.
Why don't you make a wig that's attractive.
- Make? No, the truth comes out.
You wish you married a wig maker.
- That's definitely not true.
- No, you look down on me cuz I don't fix cars or sell stocks.
I'm just a working class wig tester, aren't I.
- What is the matter with you, I don't even recognize you any more.
- Then the wig is working.
- Mommy, daddy, are you guys fighting?
- Susie, Sally, what's on your heads?
- We're playing with daddy's wigs.
- Girls, where did you get those?
- We climbed up to the top shelf of your closet and pulled them down.
- These were supposed to be locked up, Carl.
Oh! - Oh no, oh my wigs, wigs are for heads,
not floors.
- Oh, that's all you care about anymore, look at you,
you selfish, selfish wig tester.
- You think I like this?
You think I like any of this?
I'm just a man trying to live the American dream, but
I know that's not how this country works.
I'm either me or my job.
I'm either Carl Hendricks, or rock star woman wig.
Or, back roads mullet man wig.
Or, Howard Stern wig.
A wig and a hat in one wig, the polite little Mr. Wig.
- [SOBBING].
We couldn't get the rights to Ebenezer Scrooge, so,
it's the Elemeaner Stooge wig.
Wigs.
[MUSIC].
[KNOCKING].
- Johnson?
Please come in.
What a pleasant surprise.
[MUSIC]
- Hello, Jan.
- Is everything all right?
Johnson, what's wrong?
Is everything okay?
- Janet, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this.
There's been an accident at the wig testing factory.
- I don't understand.
- It's Carl.
I'm afraid he, he was trying on too many wigs and
his neck could not support the weight.
- What?
Oh my god - We tried to warn him.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- He wouldn't stop.
And then it was too late and his neck just snapped.
- No.
No.
- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, Janet - No, no, no, no.
No.
- The wig testing plant will of course cover all of the burial costs.
- No, no, no, no.
- And we'll do it according to his wishes,
to be buried inside of a giant wig.
- Oh, wigs.
Wigs.
[MUSIC]
- I'm thinking.
[CROSSTALK] - You went on a booze cruise!
[CROSSTALK] - I'm afraid not!
I, I can't think of anything nautical about myself.
But, I am a man about town.
Born rich and the ladies love me.
My poon ratings are off the charts.
I guess that has nothing to do with the sea, though.
I mean, come to think of it I hate the ocean and everything in it.
Oh God, why is this so hard.
Okay, pass me one of those b balls, I think better when I'm dribbling.
That didn't really work,
I wish this was as easy as it is to slam dunk on the old Chicago Bulls court.
Well, looks like we'll be trapped down here forever.
- [SIGH].
[INAUDIBLE] - Gentlemen,
I assume you figured it out by now.
- No, we haven't.
And I don't think we ever will.
- Well, four of us had a nautical thing, but one of us didn't.
- That's it.
It's that four of you had a nautical thing and one of you didn't.
You're free to leave.
- [CHEERING] - Well,
see you all at breakfast tomorrow.
- [CHEERING]
[MUSIC]
[BALL BOUNCING]
[MUSIC]