- I went to college, for the whole time.
(audience laughing) Holy shit, right?
I just got a letter from my college,
which was fun, 'cause mail, you know?
(audience laughing)
So I open up the letter and they said,
hey John, it's college, you remember?
(audience laughing)
I say, yes of course. (audience laughing)
And then they said, how did they phrase it,
then they said, give us some money!
(audience laughing)
As a gift!
We want a gift! (audience laughing)
But only if it's money!
(audience laughing) I found this peculiar.
'Cause you see, what had happened New York,
was that when I was a student you see,
I had paid them a tuition money.
(audience laughing)
Every semester, two semesters a year for four years.
I don't remember exactly what it was,
but rounding up, back in 1999 dollars,
it was about $15,000 a semester.
Two semesters a year for four years.
So it was about $30,000 a year for four years.
So it was about $120,000, okay?
So roughly speaking, I gave my college about $120,000, okay?
So you might say that I already gave them $120,000
and now you have the audacity to ask me for more money?
What kind of a coke-head relative?
(audience cheering)
What kind of a coke-head relative is my college?
You spent it already?
(audience laughing)
I gave you more money than the Civil War cost
and you fuckin' spent it already?
(audience laughing) Where's my money?
I felt like Jimmy Stewart in "It's a Wonderful Life"
when he's screaming at his Uncle Billy
I was like, where's the money?
Where's that money you fat motherfucker?
Where's my money?
Stay down on the ground,
stay down on the ground you motherfucker!
That's not the dialogue, but do y'all remember that scene
from "It's a Wonderful Life"?
(audience laughing) Great movie.
Frank Capra, 1946.
$120,000.
And I have friends I went to college with and they're like,
oh, you should donate and be a good alumnus.
And they wear shirts that say school and it's like, look.
If you're an adult still giving money to your college,
college is a $120,000 hooker
and you are an idiot who fell in love with her.
She's not gonna do anything else for you.
It's done. (audience cheering)
In their letter they were like,
hey, it's been a while since you've given us money.
I was like, hey, it's been a while
since you've housed and taught me.
(audience laughing)
I thought our transaction was over.
I gave you $120,000 and you gave me like,
a weird cinder block room with a "Reservoir Dogs"
poster on it and the first real heartbreak of my life,
and probably HPV and then we called it a day.
Probably. (audience laughing)
Also, what did I get for my money?
What is college?
(stuttering) (audience laughing)
Stop going!
Till we figure it out.
'Cause I went to college.
I have no idea what it was.
I went to college.
I was 18 years old.
I looked like I was 11.
(audience laughing)
I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle.
(audience laughing)
I didn't drink water the entire time.
(audience laughing)
I lived on cigarettes, and alcohol and Adderall.
College was like a four-year game show called,
Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to go to Sleep?
(audience laughing) But instead of winning money
you lose $120,000.
By the way, I agreed to give them $120,000
when I was 17 years old.
With no attorney present.
(audience laughing) That's illegal.
They tricked me.
They tricked me like Brendan Dassey on Making a Murderer.
They tricked me like poor Brendan.
They pulled me out of high school.
I was in sweatpants all confused.
(audience laughing)
Two guys in clip-on ties were like,
come on son, do the right thing.
Sign here and you'll be an English major.
I was like, okay. (audience laughing)
Yes you heard me.
An English major.
I paid $120,000. (audience clapping)
How dare you clap?
How dare you clap for the worst financial decision
I ever made in my life?
I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me
to go read "Jane Austen" and then I didn't.
(audience laughing) (upbeat music)