- It's good to be back.
This is our first show of 2015.
And how are the resolutions going?
Everybody still on your--
[laughter] Good.
I don't see any doughnuts in anybody's hands, so that's--
that's a good sign.
You had a nice holiday and all that stuff?
Good.
I'm happy for you.
[laughter]
I--do you want to hear about mine?
audience: Yeah! - Okay.
Okay. I thought maybe you would.
I would love to be able to say I had a great Christmas
and it was peaceful and restful and jolly and all that stuff,
but I would be lying.
It was not.
It involved high winds and high fevers
and packing peanuts.
audience: Aw.
- I dare you to change the channel now.
[laughter]
All right, here's what happened. I'll tell you all about it.
Portia and I decided we were gonna spend the holidays at home
'cause we didn't want to get--
airplanes, to me, that's how you get sick,
so I'm like, "I'm not gonna get on a plane."
So we stayed at home, and, of course, I got sick.
And so we drove up to our house up north--
not too far north.
It's somewhere between, like, Glendale and Santa.
And-- [laughter]
You'll never find me now.
So Christmas Eve, it started to get windy
where we were up north, and-- not too bad.
It was like--you know, you just saw the trees blowing.
[imitates wind whistling]
You could hear it like that.
And--so it was nice.
It was like, "Oh, that's nice. It's windy."
And then the winds kicked up to--
and I'm not just saying this as a number.
It was 70-mile-an-hour winds.
It sounded like a tornado.
It was like... [imitates wind gusting]
Now I've hurt my throat. [laughter]
It was, like, really loud and windy and--
anyway, we go to sleep
just thinking everything's gonna be okay.
Well, during the night at some point,
a big, large, large branch came down
and took out a power line, and the whole neighborhood--
Christmas Day, we wake up,
whole neighborhood out of power.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
And so--well, technically, the tree was on our property,
so it was our fault, you could say,
but Oprah lives in the neighborhood,
so I'm blaming her.
[laughter]
It was Oprah's tree.
And so on Christmas Day, we get up
and tried to make coffee.
No coffee because, you know, no power.
I don't want to brag.
We have the electric coffeemaker.
And so--anyway, so-- and I'm sick.
Did I mention that? I'm sick.
I'm very sick.
And so it's freezing in our house
because the heat doesn't work 'cause there's no electricity,
so I'm wearing a wool cap and a huge, huge jacket.
I look like a Gorton's fisherman.
You know, the-- [laughter]
So there's no electricity, and so there's no TV,
so Portia says, "Let's get the computer out.
Let's watch someone on Netflix."
No internet.
And so we're living like animals at this point.
[laughter]
Portia's licking my face to keep me from passing out, and--
no, but she did-- you know, she said,
"Let's open gifts and we'll feel better.
We'll open gifts."
And so nice, right?
No. Wrong.
[laughter]
I open the gift that she gives me,
and it's a beautiful piece of pottery
that I wanted, that I had seen,
and when I open up the--
they pack it in Styrofoam-m--
Styrofoam p-peanuts, packing peanuts.
I can't say the word without--
I hate Styrofoam.
[laughter] And--
it's not a joke.
The word-- I'm not gonna say it again.
"Packing peanuts" is what I'll call it.
And--'cause I don't say "hate"--
I don't--I don't like to hate anything, but I...
[voice quavering] hate Styrofoam.
And-- [laughter]
And cotton balls. I hate cotton balls.
[laughter]
Those two things I hate.
So anyway, so the packing peanuts were everywhere,
and I was trying to get the pottery out
from the... packing peanuts,
and so that's when the electricity--
not the electricity, but static electricity.
So my entire body is covered with packing peanuts.
[laughter] Covered.
And I would try to get them into the garbage bag
and do that, and then it would be on the next hand,
and then it was just-- literally, it became--
I was covered in this thing that I can't say the name of.
And I'm sure I looked crazy, but I couldn't see
'cause my eyes were covered with packing peanuts.
So the electricity finally comes back on at 4:30,
and I think, "All I want is a hot shower."
I'm still sick, I'm very sick,
and I just want a hot shower.
Sounds nice, right?
Well, you see where this is going.
No hot water. [laughter]
Totally unrelated to the power outage, no hot water.
So to recap: It's Christmas.
I'm dressed like a Gorton's fisherman,
covered in packing peanuts, tears frozen in my eyes.
They wouldn't-- just stuck to the sides.
And I'm sick, I'm dirty, I'm undercaffeinated.
The only good news is, Portia was not sick.
She got sick on New Year's Eve.
[laughter]
So that's a whole nother story.
And I feel bad about the whole power going out and everything,
but the point of the whole story is,
Oprah ruined Christmas.
[laughter]
That's my point.
I'm glad-- I'm feeling better.
Everybody's feeling good.
I hope that you're all healthy and happy.
And let's all start this brand-new year
with a dance.