I gave in.
I did it.
I decorated before Thanksgiving.
[CHEERING]
I'm officially in the holiday spirits,
and by that, I mean I'm drunk on peppermint schnapps.
Thanksgiving is this week.
And then there's Black Friday.
Then there's Hanukkah.
And then the big one, the one everyone
gets excited for, my birthday in January.
[CHEERING]
I know.
Yeah.
They're already playing happy birthday in the mall.
One of the most stressful parts of the holidays--
I think everyone can agree-- is getting the family together
for dinner and where people are going to sit.
The whole seating plan is really thought out.
You have to think of who's sitting where.
So every year, I like to prepare you for what to expect.
So, please bring out my table.
Hopefully, this helps.
All right.
So, we have grandpa right here.
And-- I knew you were going to be here.
The most important thing is to keep grandpa
eating the entire time.
When his mouth is full, he can't talk about the caravan.
They're coming over the wall!
Oh, [INAUDIBLE].
All right.
[CLAPPING]
[SPUTTERING]
All right.
Since nobody else wanted to sit next to him,
that's where you put your friend from work, who had nowhere
else to go for Thanksgiving.
And you've worked with her for six years,
but you still don't know her name.
It could be Carolyn.
It could be Caroline.
It could be-- look at your eyebrows.
It could be Teresa.
You think you saw her stealing your silverware.
You're not sure.
Did you take it?
OK.
What else?
Is there anything else?
You took my People's Choice Award?
Is there anything else?
All right.
Keep that on your lap then.
All right.
Next, of course, is your Aunt Melissa.
You didn't invite her, but she's here this year.
She just showed up anyway.
[CLAPPING]
Aunt Melissa seems very interested in your friend
from work.
And it's not Thanksgiving without some kids at the table.
So next, we have little Polly right here.
And, oh.
Oh my.
Oh my god.
How do you like the food?
Oh my god.
OK, happy Thanksgiving.
Oh, that's the line you remember?
All right.
Next is Polly's older brother, who's home from college.
[COUGHING]
And by home from college, I mean he dropped out to become a DJ.
He also made $3 billion in Bitcoin, but for some reason,
he's still on your cell phone plan.
And he brought his Tinder date, and you're
hoping she's not some weird girl from college.
But no, she's not.
Don't worry about that.
[CHEERING]
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel,
so you can see more awesome videos.
Like videos of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things,
like ball peen hammer.
And also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities,
if you're into that sort of thing.
[SCREAM] [BLEEP] God.
[BLEEP]