Impeachment.
It's the constitutional way of saying bye Felicia.
♪ The magical ♪
♪ Wonderful road to impeachment ♪
♪ Who knows where it'll go ♪
- That's probably presidential harassment.
- You may remember that after Trump was impeached
back in December, Nancy Pelosi
didn't pass the articles onto the Senate.
Instead, she chose to hold onto them tight.
Tighter than Mike Pence's sphincter
in a room with two women.
And temptation often passes through the back door.
But, but today.
After a month of tension, Pelosi finally announced
she's handing the articles over to the Senate
so that they can hold the trial.
And I don't know what was going on with Nancy today,
but at her press conference, she seemed
a little spaced out.
- Good morning everyone.
This is a very important day for us
and as you know, I'm referenced temple markers
that are founders and our poets and others
have used over time to places in time
to emphasize the importance of time.
Because everything is about time.
- Yeah, and speaking of timing,
it feels like Pelosi's edibles just kicked
in at the wrong moment there.
I think the point Pelosi was trying to make
is that she feels that after a month of waiting,
now is the right time to pass impeachment
to the Senate.
But handing over the Articles of Impeachment
isn't as simple as handing over
your mom to a nursing home, no.
An occasion like this calls for a little ceremony.
- [Announcer] They are going to be marching
that articles from the House Chamber
through the Statuary Hall, through the Rotunda,
along the second floor of the Capitol,
past the Old Senate Chamber,
through the Ohio Clock Corridor
and then eventually to the Senate Chamber.
- [Narrator] Those documents now are being taken
from the House of Representatives
through Statuary Hall.
They'll be going into the Capitol Rotunda
to the Senate to present that Articles of Impeachment.
- Mr. President.
I have been directed by the House of Representatives
to inform the Senate the House has passed
H.Res.798, a resolution appointing
and authorizing managers for the impeachment trial
of Donald John Trump,
President of the United States.
- So, we're all just gonna pretend
nobody invented email.
And just as an aside, what was up with that graphic.
What was that from the news, huh?
We don't need to see an arrow making love
to the Senate Chamber to understand how
people enter a room.
They're walking across the building,
it's a straight line, it's a hallway, we get it.
(audience laughing)
So now, so now that the Senate has
the Articles of Impeachment,
the big fight is now going to be
about whether or not the trial will include
new witnesses and new evidence.
Because you see, just yesterday,
we learned new details about Trump
and his shady dealings with Ukraine.
- [Announcer] The new evidence collected
by congressional investigators comes
from Lev Parnas, an associate of Trump's
personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani,
59 pages of records, including text messages,
emails and handwritten notes.
Including one scrawled on hotel stationary
that reads quote get Zalensky to announce
that the Biden case will be investigated.
And there's a letter from Giuliani requesting
a meeting with Ukraine's then President-Elect Zalensky
emphasizing Giuliani was working in his capacity
as personal counsel to President Trump
and with his knowledge and consent.
- No, seriously.
They wrote down the plot of their crime
and then kept it.
That is a literal paper trail.
Why would you do that?
What, were they just hanging around like
you have to keep the receipts.
Like isn't that taxes?
No, no, it's for crimes, too.
You have to keep them.
Only Donald Trump would hire henchmen
who are also into scrapbooking.
They're like a bunch of criminal Martha Stewarts, you know,
also known as Martha Stewarts.
Trump's impeachment trial is set to begin next week.
And with any impeachment trial,
the Senate will serve as the jury.
So this afternoon, all the senators were sworn in
by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts
and then they signed their names one by one
as what's known as the oath book.
Yeah, it was a really solemn moment,
and also the first time ever that anyone's ever
has asked to Ted Cruz's autograph.
Now, the one big question hanging over this trial has been
will Republican senators allow new witnesses to testify?
Well, apparently, some of those witnesses
aren't waiting to find out.
They're just showing up on TV, right?
And the conversation everyone's talking about right now
is Rachel Maddow's interview with Lev Parnas,
an association of Rudy Giuliani,
and a man with seven different hairstyles all at once.
(audience laughing)
Now, Parnas is important because unlike
some previous witnesses who only heard
about what's going on, he claims that he was working
closely with Rudy Giuliani to get dirt on the Bidens.
So if those who smelled the borscht,
he actually made it and now he's telling
all of America how it went down.
- President Trump knew exactly what was going on.
He was aware of all of my movements.
He, I wouldn't do anything with the consent
of Rudy Giuliani or the President.
- Are you saying specifically,
and I want to sort of drill down on that,
that the President was aware that you
and Mr. Giuliani were working on this effort
in Ukraine to basically try to hurt
Joe Biden's political career?
He knew about that?
- Yeah, well, it was all about Joe Biden, Hunter Biden.
It was never about corruption.
It was never strictly about the Burisma,
which included Hunter Biden and Joe Biden.
- That's a big deal coming from Rudy Giuliani's
right-hand man.
This would be like if Luigi went on Rachel Maddow
like Mario doesn't care about the princess.
He just love to murder turtles.
He wants to kill all of them,
he's a very sick man.
It'll be huge.
(audience applauding and cheering)
Now the White House, the White House
has responded to this interview
saying that Parnas is a liar.
They're saying he's only saying this
because he's been indicted
for campaign finance fraud
and so now he's trying to get a lighter sentence,
like the Ukrainian's Tekashi 6ix9ine.
And Trump has gone one step further saying
that he doesn't even know what a Lev Parnas is,
much less that he gave him instructions
to give him dirt on Joe Biden.
To which Parnas is now responding, picks, it did happen.
- The President of the United States said
he didn't know you.
- I don't know those gentlemen.
Now it's possible I have a picture with him
because I have a picture with everybody.
I don't know them.
- I welcome him to say that even more.
Every time he says that, I'll show him another picture.
- [Anderson] He's lying.
- He's lying.
- I hope when Parnas does release the pictures,
it just gets steadily more incriminating, you know.
It would be funny if like at first
they're just at a party together,
you know, then in the next picture they're riding together
on Space Mountain.
Then eventually like all pictures
will just end up with like nudes.
You know, that's where it's gonna go.
Yeah, Trump will be like
that doesn't mean anything.
I take nudes with everyone.
So many nudes.
(audience applauding and cheering)
So, the third presidential impeachment trial
in American history began today.
And because impeachment is such
a momentous occasion, the Senate had to kick
things off with a formal proclamation.
- The U.S. is about to take on an historic
and perhaps grueling task.
The impeachment trial of President Donald Trump.
- Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
All persons are commanded to keep silent
on pain of imprisonment
while the Senate of the United States
is sitting for the trial of the Articles of Impeachment,
exhibited by the House of Representatives,
against Donald John Trump,
President of the United States.
- Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
It's one of those phrases that has to be shouted.
Certain phrases have to be shouted,
like make some noise or you're not even my real dad.
(audience laughing)
Gotta shout certain things.
And despite the ASMR intro,
Trump's impeachment trial is already filled with drama.
Just look at the all-star defense team
President Trump put together, right?
This is an insane team that Trump collected.
It's got Ken Starr, the lawyer who is famous
for doing the investigation that led to
Bill Clinton's impeachment.
And it's got Alan Dershowitz,
who's famous for defending O.J. Simpson.
So these lawyers are perfect for trial
because they have experience
with super guilty people and super horny presidents.
It's great, it's a good combination.
But I will say this, Trump's lawyers
may want to polish up their defense strategy
because things have already gotten off
to a rocky start.
- [Announcer] The President's legal team
offering the first glimpse of their defense.
The President did not wrong, did not commit a crime,
and even the Democrats' argument of abuse of power
does not rise to an impeachable offense.
Something one of his lawyers Alan Dershowitz
maintained over the weekend.
- The Articles of Impeachment are two
non-criminal actions.
- [Announcer] But many constitutional scholars disagree.
Trump's lawyer, Alan Dershowitz himself once argued
the opposite during the Clinton impeachment.
- This certainly doesn't have to be a crime.
If you have somebody who completely corrupts
the Office of President.
- This is really interesting.
What he said in the 90s was, in fact, correct.
And what he's saying now is also, in fact, correct.
- Previously you said it doesn't have to be a crime
if the person in office completely corrupts
the Office of President.
Now you're saying criminal-like.
So corrupting the Office of the President,
is that in your criminal light or criminal like?
- No. - Behavior.
- No, it's not and that was rejected.
That was rejected by the--
- So you were wrong, you're saying you were wrong back then?
- I was saying that I'm much more correct right now
having done all the research--
- Much more correct, what does that mean?
- I did the research.
- 'Cause that's the issue--
- I didn't do the research back then
because that wasn't an issue.
- So you were wrong.
- I've done the research now, I wasn't wrong.
I am just far more correct now
than I was then.
- Wait, what?
I wasn't wrong, I am just far more correct now
than I was then.
That is one of the most original lines
I have ever heard in my life.
And that's a great line for a lawyer,
but thank God this guy doesn't work on a bomb squad.
'Cause that would be a disaster.
He would just be like cut the yellow wire.
Wait cut the red one.
I already cut the yellow one.
Yeah, well, I wasn't wrong about yellow,
but the red one is more correct.
Don't worry, we're not gonna die,
we're just gonna be less alive.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] If Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
has his way, the vote to convict of acquit
President Trump will come sooner rather than later.
McConnell, presenting his proposed trial rules
that break from the Clinton model.
- [News Anchor] Mitch McConnell releasing
his long-awaited blueprint.
Each side will have 24 hours
over just two days to make their opening statements.
It means senators could have to sit for 12-hour sessions,
part of the Republican push for a faster trial.
But Democrats say Republicans are trying
to hide the President's misconduct in the dead of night.
- He could force presentations to take place
at two or three in the morning.
The McConnell resolution will result
in a rushed trial with little evidence
in the dark of night.
Literally the dark of night.
- You know, for a guy that shares so much DNA
with turtles, McConnell sure wants to move fast.
You know what I feel like?
I feel like McConnell will be the worst person
to go on a date with, you know.
'Cause he seems like one of those people
who would order the appetizer, the main course
and the dessert all at the same time,
you know, just to rush things along.
He'd just be like yeah, bring us the soup,
the steak, the hot fudge sundae and the check.
We're getting the check.
This is all a formality.
We're gonna schmash, schmir.
Today was the day that Democrats began to lay out
their case against the President.
But last night, fights were already breaking out
about whether this trial should even be happening
in the first place.
- Opening arguments begin early this afternoon
and we're expecting a very fierce debate
over why the President should and shouldn't
be removed from office.
Republicans want this all over by the
State of the Union address in two weeks.
Democrats say not so fast.
- Why are we here?
Are we here because of a phone call?
- We are here, sir, to follow the facts,
apply the law, begotted by the Constitution
and present the truth to the American people.
That is why we are here Mr. Sekulow.
And if you don't know,
now you know.
- Oh!
(audience applauding and cheering)
And if you don't know, now you know.
That's right.
That's right, Congressman Hakeem Jeffries
just quote Biggie on the floor of Congress.
The only thing, the only thing I wish
is that he'd used the entire line.
That would have been amazing.
He was like if you don't know, now you know nigga.
Because if that happened,
black people would have been out celebrating
in the streets.
It would have been MLK day part two.
All of out there like.
♪ You know very well ♪
♪ Who you are ♪
But I gotta say, man, hip hop has come a long way.
Think about it.
In the 80s and 90s, it was considered gangsta music
and now it's being quoted
in an impeachment trial, huh?
That's how far hip hop has come.
Think about that, that's insane.
(audience applauding and cheering)
Hip hop just keeps going.
I bet it's only a matter of time
before like Mitch McConnell responds
with a rap lyric of his own.
He's like, oh, my name is Mitch
and I don't have a jaw.
I love the Senate and saying ma.
(audience laughing)
Now, now the reason things got to heated yesterday
is because Democrats tried 10 different times
to get new witnesses and evidence
into this impeachment trial and the
Republicans shot them down each and every time.
There hasn't been that much rejection
in D.C. since Steven Miller went speed dating.
Now, one of the main witnesses Democrats
really hope will testify is former Trump advisor
and grumpy Captain Crunch John Bolton.
But when the President was asked
about it this morning, he had a list of reasons
why he doesn't want Bolton to testify.
- [Reporter] In regards to the proceedings going on
in the Senate, are you absolutely against
John Bolton testifying?
- The problem with John is that it's
a national security problem, you know.
You can't have somebody whose at national security
and, if you think about it, John,
he knows some of my thoughts,
he knows what I think about leaders.
What happens if he reveals what I think
about a certain leader and it's not very positive
and then I have to deal on behalf of the country.
It's gonna be very hard.
It's gonna make the job very hard.
He knows other things and I don't know if
we left on the best of terms.
I would say probably not.
- You know, you know one thing I enjoy about Trump
is that he will give you every excuse all
at the same time.
Right, he'll start with the fake excuse,
but then he'll just keep going until
you learn the real reason, just like,
sadly, we can't hear from Bolton because
it's a national security threat
and also he'll reveal what I think
about other world leaders,
and also he hates my guts,
and also he'll implicate me in the crimes
that I committed.
So many reasons.
- [Reporter] Breaking overnight bomb shell,
former National Security Advisor John Bolton
ready to turn on the President,
as news leaks from his explosive new book
about what he claims really happens with Ukraine.
- [Announcer] Bolton says the President
told him that he wanted to continue freezing
$391 million in security assistance to Ukraine
until officials there helped with investigations
into Democrats, including the Bidens.
- [Reporter] President Trump signaling that
he is going to pain John Bolton as a
disgruntled former employee.
Take a look at his tweet from earlier today.
He says, "If John Bolton said this,
"it was only to sell a book."
- Wow, this is a big deal.
Because we now know that if Bolton testifies,
he would say that Trump personally told him
that he wanted to hold up aid to Ukraine
until he got dirt on the Bidens.
Which is the whole thing.
This is the heart of the entire impeachment thing.
So I don't know how Senate Republicans
can justify not hearing from Bolton now.
Like there's no reason.
Imagine an eyewitness to a murder
wanted to testify and the judge just refused.
You know, just like Your Honor, I saw this man
and I saw the crime firsthand.
He'd be like up, up, up, up, no spoilers, no spoilers.
(audience laughing)
I wanna see how it ends.
And by the way, is Trump really gonna argue
that John Bolton is just another disgruntled employee?
'Cause I don't know about you,
but he sure seems to have a lot disgruntled employees.
Like how come nobody ever leaves the White House gruntled?
It's like thank you Mr. President,
I am so gruntled to have worked with you.
So Bolton's book has thrown a big hairy curve ball
into this impeachment trial.
Now believe it or not, the Bolton revelations
aren't the only big new piece of evidence.
Because remember Lev Parnas,
Rudy Giuliani's right-hand man
and the Count from "Sesame Street."
Well, after Parnas said that he worked for Trump
to get dirt on Joe Biden, Trump repeatedly claimed
he has no idea who this man is.
And that's even though they've repeated
more photos together than Mariah Carey
and Christmas trees.
(audience laughing)
So now the question is, is Trump lying
about not knowing Parnas or is Parnas lying
about knowing Trump.
Well, it turns out Parnas has the receipts.
- [Reporter] Breaking overnight.
The release of an explosive new audio tape
That reportedly features President Trump
speaking to Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas
at a dinner in 2018.
- [Announcer] On the tape, a voice identified as Parnas
can be heard telling Trump that the ambassador
to Ukraine was bad mouthing him.
- [Lev] Yeah, she's basically walking around
telling everybody wait, he's gonna get impeached, just wait.
- [Trump] Really?
- [Lev] It's incredible.
- [Trump] Get rid of her.
Get her out tomorrow.
I don't care, get her out tomorrow.
Take her out.
Okay, do it.
- [Announcer] President Trump has repeatedly said
he doesn't know Lev Parnas.
But on the tape they talk in detail about Ukraine.
- [New Anchor] White House Secretary Stephanie Grisham
said the gathering doesn't mean the President
knew of or even remember Lev Parnas.
- The President sits at many, many dinners,
at many, many round tables with people
that he does not know.
- Yeah.
The President has many, many dinners.
Sometimes all in the same night.
(audience laughing)
Come on guys, I'm sorry.
You just can't keep pretending that Trump
doesn't know this guy, all right.
Because first they said Trump wouldn't remember
all the people he takes photos with.
Okay, I understand that.
Now they're saying Trump can't remember
all the people he has private dinners with?
What's next?
They're gonna be like look, the President
gets matching quid pro quo tattoos
with a lot of people.
He can't be expected to remember all of them.
- [Reporter] This afternoon in a stunning argument,
one of President Trump's top lawyers claimed
any President has almost unlimited power,
that his election is in the public interest
and so he said Trump cannot be impeached.
- Every public official that I know
believes that his election is in the public interest.
And if a President does something which he believes
will help him get elected in the public interest,
that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo
that results in impeachment.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally arrived.
First it was there was no quid pro quo.
Then it was maybe there was a quid pro quo,
but it was to help the country, not Donald Trump.
And now it's like hey, man, the Donald
gonna do what the Donald gonna do.
Your little bitch asses need to shut the hell up.
So just to be clear.
The Trump team's argument is now that
anything Trump does to get himself reelected
is fine because his reelection in his mind
is good for the country and then it's not impeachment.
Anything, yeah.
So Trump can collude.
Trump can obstruct, and it's all good.
Hell, he can even lock all the Democratic candidates
in a room with Eric.
Just be like at some point one of you will eat
the other and either way I win.
There is no denying that this weekend
was a big one for President Trump.
And not just because the chef at Mar-a-Lago
made boob shaped burgers, no.
It was big because Republican senators
stopped witnesses from testifying
at Trump's impeachment trial.
And it wasn't for the reason that you might think.
- This weekend, more Senate Republicans admitted
the President's actions were wrong and bad,
but they insist not impeachable.
- I agree he did something inappropriate,
but I don't agree he did anything akin
to treason, bribery, high crimes and misdemeanor.
Well, I mean if you have eight witnesses,
who say someone left the scene of an accident,
why do you need nine?
The question for me was do I need more evidence
to conclude that the President did what he did
and I concluded no.
- After months of claiming Trump did nothing wrong,
many key Republicans have now settled on
look, man, it was bad, but not kick the guy out bad.
Yeah.
- Republicans basically treated Trump
like white people treat their dogs.
You know, sure tore up all the furniture
and pooped in the floor and bit
the neighbor's kid, but who can stay mad
at that face?
Who can stay mad at that face?
He just wanted a quid pro quo.
Who wants a quid pro quo?
You want a quid pro quo.
Today was the final day in the impeachment trial
of Donald Jambalaya Trump.
(audience laughing)
And no big surprise,
he was acquitted by the Republican run Senate,
which was never in doubt.
(audience booing)
Yeah, yeah, don't boo, vote.
See impeachment.
(audience applauding and cheering)
It was known, like everyone knew
where this was going.
This was like a movie where you can guess
what was gonna happen without even watching it.
You know, like "Titanic."
Okay, it's a ship that's gonna sink.
Or "Sophie's Choice."
Some lady has to decide which dude she's gonna bone.
I get it, I get it.
So with the outcome never in doubt,
the only real drama today was
whether any Republicans would dare vote
against Donald Trump and it turns out
there was one man with binders full of courage.
- Republican Senator Mitt Romney
emotionally announced on the Senate floor
that he will break ranks and vote to convict
and remove President Trump.
- The President asked the foreign government
to investigate his political rival.
The President's purpose was personal and political.
Accordingly, the President is guilty
of an appalling abuse of public trust.
With my vote, I will tell my children
and their children that I did my duty
to the best of my ability,
believing that my country expected it of me.
- That is shocking.
(audience applauding)
That is shocking.
Who would have thought that the most
bad ass Republican in the Senate
would end up being a Mormon dude named Mitt.
(audience laughing)
And I've gotta say Mitt,
you proved everyone wrong.
The haters said you were as radical
as a glass of skim milk, but they were wrong Mitt.
You're whole milk, my man.
That's right, whole milk fam.
(audience applauding and cheering)
Now other than Romney, another Republican senator
who was considered on the fence was also, about Trump,
was Susan Collins of Maine, all right,
but she decided that we don't need to throw
Trump out, because she thinks he's
already been scared straight.
- [Reporter] There's some senators who could
have crossed party lines.
Senator Susan Collins will not be one of them.
- I'm voting to acquit.
I believe that the President has learned from this case.
- What do you believe the President has learned?
- The President has been impeached.
That's a pretty big lesson.
- However, during a TV anchor's lunch at the White House
yesterday, Trump responded to questions
about Collins' comments, saying he had done nothing wrong
and that his conversation with Ukraine's president quote
was a perfect call.
- Man, Donald Trump would be the hardest person
to defend in court.
He'd be like Your Honor, my client has learned his lesson.
No, I haven't.
(audience laughing)
His days of selling drugs are over.
Who wants cocaine?
(audience laughing)
Because clearly Trump hasn't learned a lesson.
Right, if anything he's learned that he
can do whatever he wants and Republicans
will let him get away with it.
But first, they're gonna shake their heads (grunting).
So, basically, thanks to Senate Republicans,
Trump is now free.
He can just run through laws like he's got
that Super Mario invisibility star.
That's what he can do, yeah, he's invincible.
Except Trump is more powerful than Mario
because in this case the turtles are on his side.
Basically.
Basically President Trump is off the hook.
He's completely off the hook
and you know what that means.
He's gonna let loose tonight, man.
He's gonna eat 50 burgers, bang a porn star
and then he's gonna do something crazy.
(funky music)