- Set list is unique.
Now normally, when you see a standup comedian perform,
you're seeing them give you material
that they have created, they have crafted,
they have honed, they have perfected.
We are going to give them a set list.
They are going to improvise a standup comedy routine
out of thin air.
The comedians will see their set list topics
at the exact same moment that you see them
the very first time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the never before seen set list
of the brilliant Mr. Matt Kirshen!
(audience applauds)
- Hey! Hello, the internet.
This is fun.
Thank you for being here in the room.
For those of you who are watching at home,
if you do choose to comment underneath our video,
just remember my mum reads them.
(audience laughs)
So you know, maybe call her something as well.
(audience laughs).
She'd love to be a faggot.
She would, she would love...
she's a woman in her sixties, you know,
there's no way she'd be as well dressed
as a derogatory term for a gay man.
I did one of their shows on Monday and
you know, that seemed to be the go-to.
So, never read the comments.
Let's see what you got.
(audience laughs)
One of the things that's nice about
growing up in Europe.
(audience laughs)
You know it's how much more fancy things seem.
The joy of coming to America
as a Brit is that everything just
sounds a little bit nicer.
Is it a burning sensation as you pee?
Or is it a tingling fountain?
(audience laughs)
You know, is it an unsightly rash?
Or are you dappled?
Speckled, if you will.
Horribly, horribly infected.
With a disease that's caused exclusively
by sticking a part of a human
in another part of a human.
Or a koala.
That's the only other
species that I know of that gets chlamydia.
That is a fact.
Most of these people are connected
to the internet.
Check it out.
Koala chlamydia. Genuine problem.
It's like I point out,
nothing to do with me.
I don't necessarily want that association.
I know how google bombing works.
I know it wouldn't take too much effort for
it to be the case that when you start
typing in my name, koala chlamydia
is the next thing that comes up.
It's a risk I am willing to take,
the internet.
If you're in prison,
I've never been in prison,
but I would imagine if I were,
I would be kneeling a lot.
(audience laughter)
There is very little that I could engage in.
Maybe, I don't know, I could be a librarian.
Maybe teach some of the fellow prisoners
how to get through their prison degree.
But we know that is not what my job
is going to be.
I will,
at best,
I mean I would probably be on my knees in a cell.
But I maybe be able to find religion,
find faith,
go the chaplin's room and be on my knees there.
I wouldn't be able to escape it
is what I am saying.
You don't want to be in prison
with a face and cheek bones
of a choir boy.
Which I have and will always have.
I think I could be like 70,
gray and balding
and I will still look like
a sort of withered choir boy.
I'll look like a choir boy
with a wasting disease.
It's one of those diseases,
I don't know,
like a genetic condition that
few people have where they look
60 from the age of 12.
That will be me at age 60.
That will be me and the real thing.
We could tour together.
And I would be in prison with that.
I don't know why I would be in prison.
There's very few things that I would
be willing to do that would put
me in prison,
but we have all killed a man.
We have all done a bit of murder, right?
No one's watching this.
This isn't a confession.
Next topic.
(audience laughter)
There must've been some sheepish ones.
There must've been some like,
like I think once you got to the mid
to late thirties in Germany,
pretty much it's harder to not
be a Nazi than to be a Nazi, right?
I think people mostly went for
the whole Nazi thing,
but there's gonna be a few like
at the beginning, you know,
late twenties, early thirties,
where there will be like one guy
who is all proud.
He's all like "Ah Hitler!"
and I was about to do the mustache,
but I don't think they do the mustache.
They will be doing the thing
and there will be a couple in the back
who are like "Oh maybe!"
(audience laughter)
Just sneaking their way there.
One day I will have strength in numbers,
but for the moment,
I'm just gonna hate them a lot
from a distance.
They're gonna hide there.
It's quite adorable though until
you do the full salute.
Isn't it?
I've never realized how lovely!
Until once you full out do the whole straight arm
that going to throw it right out.
That's bad, that's unpleasant,
but just a little bit of the way is kind of.
You know, if you go the full way,
that's full on "Ah Hitler!",
but if you just go a little bit then
it's like cooey.
Kinda adorable, isn't it?
It's the way you would wave
to like the daughter of your neighbor.
(audience laughter)
That's the difference.
Just a slight flex in the arm and a wiggle.
That's all it takes.
That's the difference between
genocide and adorable.
I was raised Jewish.
And, I can't do Nazi
and then instantly do antisemitism, as well.
No, I can't do that in a row.
Reengaging.
It's gonna be a bit suspicious
that we all lose our teeth.
(audience laughter)
It's a little bit suspicious, isn't it?
Supposedly, it's so that bigger teeth can
grow through,
but do we really need the bigger teeth?
Like, I think I would do perfectly well.
I have quite big teeth
and I don't think they need to
be this big.
I think that if I just had
the original lot,
I'd look fine.
I don't think it's evolution
that is responsible for us
having the second set of teeth
coming through.
The first half leaving.
I don't believe in God,
I don't believe in Santa,
but I once put a tooth under my pillow
and when I woke up in the morning,
that tooth was gone
and money was there.
Explain that science.
Explain that, Professor Richard Dockens.
If that is your real name.
Can you explain that?
Some stuff you can't work out, Occam's Razor.
Likely solution is the most happened.
It's the exact wording including that pause.
Go to the Oxford English Dictionary
and that's how it happened.
Maybe not Webster's,
maybe not in America,
Oxford's it's got that awkward pause.
Go to Oxford Dictionary,
that's the definition.
Occam's Razor.
Most likely solution happens.
It's how we do it.
It's in Britain, more adorable,
we already proven that.
So, what's more likely?
That there's a genetic,
there's an evolutionary reason
for one row of teeth to leave
and another row of teeth to grow in?
Or that there is some weird emp,
some freakish, smaller than average,
semimagical creature,
that wants children's teeth for a reason.
We just tell our kids this.
We tell our kids this.
That's fucking horrible!
That is an awful thing.
If you think, no not adult teeth,
just want children's teeth.
The tooth fairy,
and there's only one thing,
and it specifically wants the teeth
of children.
Once you're over a certain age,
its teeth are of no interest to you.
The children's teeth,
they do it just for a ritual.
I know I should imagine the tooth fairy
lives in some building
that's made entirely of children's teeth.
I've never gotten that noise
out of people on stage before.
I've been doing stand up for awhile
and I've never said something that's
actually got people go "Uhhhh"
That was a visceral reaction I got there.
That was as if at one point
in your childhood,
you actually went to a building
that was all children's teeth.
And I just stirred up a horrendous memory
and now you're probably going to have
to go to counseling
and it is my fault.
(audience laughter)
Well, you would have to write
it in blood, wouldn't you?
(audience laughter)
Ah yes, if you were a graffiti artist,
who is a bit sad,
well more than a bit sad,
you have to be very sad to commit suicide.
If you're a bit sad,
don't commit suicide anyway.
If you're watching this
and contemplating suicide,
I mean I shouldn't be the one
to tell you this,
but like get help.
Okay?
I hope I have cheered you up a bit.
I hope I haven't stirred up
a memory of you being in a house of teeth
and that was the final straw.
Go open a different tab,
stop watching this for a second,
there's plenty of help things.
But if you do insist on it,
if you've really made up your mind,
and I mean really,
but still get help,
but if you have really made up your mind,
make an effort.
You know, there aren't enough
adventurous suicides these days.
If you draw something pretty with blood.
You know, you've got a limited amount of time,
so don't go too adventurous.
We're not talking Sistine Chapel here.
Maybe, something funny,
so that when they discover you
they're like "Ahhhh"
You know!
Like a rabbit with a massive cock and balls
or something like that.
Just in blood.
Just something that makes them go,
"Well, this is sad, but not as sad
as it could be."
It's what he would have wanted.
A final little giggle.
And then the person would hear that noise
and go like,
"What happened? What happened?"
and they burst in, as well,
and do exactly the same thing
one after another.
And then the ambulance guys, as well,
but they've probably seen it before.
(audience laughter)
Listen, it's been a pleasure talking to you.
Enjoy the rest of your show!
I'm Matt Kirshen.
Thank you, internet!
- Matt Kirshen!!!