Have you ever met someone that you really wanted to form a friendship with?
And you got the chance but
things didn't work out
or worse — you have a friend, things are going well
and for some reason, you start to sense that they're pulling away from you and before you know it
that friendship is over.
If you've experienced either of those things,
this is what we're going to be solving in today's video
because I realized on the channel, I talked a lot
about things that you can do to add to your charisma
but what I often neglect are things you may be doing
which can be sabotaging friendships and first impressions
which unfortunately are a lot more common.
So in this video,
there's four things that I want to talk about in particular
that can help you maintain and actually build
very strong friendships.
The first thing that will end a friendship
is a lack of integrity — a lot of people don't realize this.
Integrity, for purposes of this video, is a huge topic.
Integrity is when your words and your actions match.
And a story that illustrates this point
is I have a friend and he had a buddy
that at first made very fast friends
because this buddy like to talk about big ideas.
He come in and they talk about which businesses he had and had these great
business ideas and then he talk about cool things
they could do in the future, for parties, or things on the weekend.
And at first, this was very exciting.
My friend wanted these things to happen
but before long, it became clear that
this guy had no intention ever
of starting any of the projects that he discussed.
None of the businesses ever got anywhere near,
they were never even researched,
none of these fun parties ever came to fruition
and it also rolled over to other areas of his life.
So when he'd set a New Year's resolution
to get more in shape, my friend would hear that and go, "You got to be kidding me,"
because, of course, it meant nothing.
The problem with this is that when you find yourself
or someone talks a big game and doesn't follow through,
they destroy trust.
When your words and your actions do not match,
you destroy any trust that your friends can have in you
and you will destroy those friendships because friendships are built on trust.
This can happen in smaller ways too
and, honestly, the more common way that I see it
is another story example.
I spoke to a girl today.
She did a yoga class setup and invited her friend to come.
Now, he could have said yes, he could have said no
but he said, "Yes. I'll be there. I'm excited."
Now, unfortunately something came up before the class
and he said, "I'm really sorry. I have to cancel."
It happens.
But he said, "I promise I'm going to clear my schedule next week
and I will definitely be there."
Well, what happens is that next week comes along,
she sends the text and he goes, "Oh, I totally forgot.
I did something else. I'm sorry I'm not gonna be able to make it."
When you promise to show up somewhere
whether it's on time and you don't go there on time
or you say you're going to be there and you don't show up at all,
you are undercutting the trust your friends have in you.
When your friends cannot rely on you, they're not friends.
Trust is a foundation of friendship.
It can only exist when you have integrity.
So ask yourself — have you ever told your friends
that you're going to quit smoking
or drinking or that you're going to get in shape
or start a business or break up with her boyfriend or girlfriend
or ask another boy or girl out?
Whatever it was, you talk a bigger game than you live up to
because if you do, this isn't just damaging your self-esteem,
which it likely is, it's actually sabotaging friendships
because you're destroying that trust.
So one of two things needs to happen.
First off, you either need to make your actions match your words.
So when you say you're going to show up somewhere
and it's inconvenient, you get there anyway.
Or you need to be much more careful with your words.
When somebody asks you, "Can you make it to this party?"
you need to pause and go, "Honestly, I'm not sure so
I'm not going to commit. I'll let you know a little bit closer to the date."
One end of both of those two things
needs to happen in your life for that integrity to show up
and for friendships to be stronger so that's the first piece.
The second piece that can destroy friendships
and, again, goes under the radar — people don't realize they do it —
is guilt.
This is one that has been used on me
and worked very well for a large period of my life —
it still does today in some ways.
When I was about 20 years old, I live in Costa Rica
and there was a guy there who was
one of the best friends in some ways that I've ever had.
I called him brother in Spanish — that's how tight we were.
He taught me a ton of things and he was a truly great friend
but even at that young age, the way that he got me to do things
like when we're out at a club, he wanted to stay later
and I was tired and I wanted to go home.
It's rather than saying, "Come on, man. It's going to be fun.
It's going to be so great," which is a little bit of guilt,
he would lay that guilt on thick
and he would give me this look and say,
"Are you actually going to go home now?
I can't even believe you and that I came out tonight,"
and I would feel this guilt, "Oh, man. I'm letting my friend down.
I got to stay out," and so I did and that worked.
He got me to do all the different events he wanted to do
and we'd stay out later than I wanted to do
and we go where he wanted to go.
That was when I was 19 years old.
I leave Costa Rica, I start to grow up, I get more confident in myself,
I start to have an opinion that doesn't need
to agree with everyone else
and what happens is when we get on the phone,
he starts back in that guilt.
So I call him, he says, "Hey, man. I'm glad that you called.
It's been a while. I wished that you called a little bit more often,"
and that starts to peeve me a little bit — I don't feel good.
So we got off the phone and I go, "Man, that wasn't very fun."
So I waited a little bit longer the next time before we speak —
maybe I skipped one of his calls or his texts.
The next time we got on the phone, he's more angry,
"It's two months now since you've called. I thought we were friends."
This continues up until about last year
when the guilt for me had a breaking point
and I was just like, "Dude, I'm done.
I don't care," and it fizzled.
That was it, I haven't spoken to him since and that is a huge bummer
because I can tell you the thing that destroyed that friendship was guilt
and where this is coming in your life
is if you have a friend, typically that you are close with,
that maybe circumstances took in different directions —
you went to one college, he went to another
or you guys live in different cities.
Whatever it is, if you get on the phone with him
and you are chastising him for not talking to him or her,
this is going to destroy your friendship
and there is a way to do it much better.
And I think of another great friend of mine
who I only speak to probably three to four times a year
and I happen to speak to him today
and the way that we got off the phone today
was he said, "Man, I got to let you know I got to get going.
I'm about to get inside but it's been amazing talking to you.
I'm so proud of you. The stuff you're up to is incredible.
It's truly inspiring and I cannot wait to see you in June..."
or July or honestly whenever we get to see each other.
And I hung up that phone going, "Man,
I hope I get to see him before June or July
because this guy is awesome. He makes me feel incredible."
Now, he's a wonderful friend in many ways
but that simple switch — if my other friend
had taken those first and last sentences on our phone calls,
we still might be friends and close today.
If you guilt people,
you are destroying the foundation of the relationship
and even though it might keep it tight
in the short term, it's going to end it in the long term
so that's the second thing.
The third thing that ends friendships,
and this one is tough to spot,
is inconsiderateness.
The problem with being an inconsiderate person
who doesn't think much of other people is that you do not realize it
because you're, by nature, self-absorbed
and I will raise my hand here and say this is the one that I struggle the most with.
I am fairly inconsiderate.
This is not to say that I'm mean or rude or push other people around
but I'm not actively thinking, "Hey, what's something nice
that I can do for my friend or roommate?"
So there are some questions that I have to ask myself
and that I recommend you ask yourself to keep yourself honest on this one.
First off, when was the last time
that you went out of your way
to do something nice for your friend, specifically, unsolicited?
Did you ever go out and pick up food
because you knew he was hungryor he's having a tough day?
Or did you go out and know that he was missing dental floss?
My roommate has been missing his floss
and he's been taking mine for the last couple of days.
When you're at the store, did you pick up something for him?
These little things goes such a long way.
Ask yourself — if you can't think of something that's
not a great sign.
Secondly, have you borrowed cash
or an object in the past that you have not delivered?
And I admit I was going through this exercise before this video and I realized
I took some dark chocolate from my roommate the other night
and he's in the other room and I have not yet replaced it
so I have to go buy dark chocolate tomorrow and get it back to him
but the longer that this goes where you've taken something
and not giving it back, that is inconsiderate
and that will destroy friendships.
I'm sorry Benji I'm going to get you your dark chocolate.
So ask yourself those questions.
It's very possible that you are inconsiderate without realizing it
as sometimes I admit I am.
So that's the third one.
The fourth one that underpins all of these and is common in the world
is when value shift
and I think back even as young as kindergarten
when I like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
I got to first grade, I wanted to play Power Rangers and my friends like Ninja Turtles.
They wanted to play Ninja Turtles, still
and I've moved on to Power Rangers.
This happens all the time in our life.
In middle school, some friend decides that he wants to go talk to boys
or girls or whatever it is and the rest are kind of doing their own thing.
You get out into the real world,
you have one career and your friend goes to a different direction.
Unfortunately, where this is most common
and I've seen it in my own life and in
the lives of the people who watch this channel is
when you get interested in self-improvement and your friends don't —
this is the hardest one.
Whether you're all of a sudden interested in fitness
or starting a business or taking the tips from our channel
or our courses and going and becoming more charismatic
and confident — all of these things take a little bit of effort
and they're going to take you into a different direction
and, oftentimes, friends can resist this
and in my own life, that has been what caused separation of friends
and, quite frankly, the addition of new ones.
Two things to realize here —
one, your values will inevitably
take you on different paths than people you have been very close to.
It's a bummer when it happens
but you can't force everybody to take your path
nor should you stay on theirs just to have company.
You need to branch off — sometimes you will walk a path alone
but new friends will come.
Secondly, you can persuade people to join you.
And the most influential way is not to beg
or to control them or to tell them they have to,
it's to give them the same source material that you have.
And what I mean by that is that if it's a fitness video
that really motivates you like, "Man, it's time for me to go get my butt in shape,"
ask them, "Hey, man. I watch this super motivational video.
I thought you'd like it. Check it out," or in my case,
"There is a book The Four-hour Work Week" I mention it often,
"it really inspired me."
When I gave that book to people and said,
"Man, I think this book is awesome and I think you would really like it.
Check it out. I'd love to talk to you about it,"
if people read that book which is more likely because I told them that I think they'd like it
and I'd love to talk to them about it which is flattering,
if they went through and read it,
they will more likely to get the idea of the Four-hour Work Week
versus other friends that I just told,
"Hey, man. You've got to do this. We gotta quit our jobs to get there nine to five.
It's over, man. We're moving into the information age,"
that didn't work as well.
So when value start to diverge,
the only thing I can recommend is —
ask your friend in a very vulnerable way.
Say, "Hey, man. This is something I found.
It's important to me and I think you'll like it a lot.
It would be great if you could watch this.
Read this because I'd love to discuss it with you after."
That is the best chance you have
at taking someone once your values kind of veered towards self-improvement
and getting your friends who are maybe still stuck
doing the old thing to come along with you.
So I have talked for a long time in this video.
I appreciate you guys sticking with me.
This is the last video I will be doing,
fingers crossed, from this room that looks like a grandma's hospital.
It's a hotel here in Brazil but we've got some lights coming.
I'm hopeful to get back to a nice studio setup next time.
If you like this video, I encourage you, subscribe to this channel now.
We'll be doing more videos of charisma breakdowns,
one coming next week that should be on Conan O'Brien —
I'm very excited for that —
plus lots of different topics that come from you guys
which brings me to the comments.
If there's anything you'd like me to cover in particular
go ahead and write it there in the comments.
So I hope that you've enjoyed this video.
I hope that maybe you've discovered something about yourself
that you didn't realize — perhaps you're inconsiderate like me
and maybe you can go on in the future and start to better that trait.
So I hope that you've enjoyed this video
and I'll see in the next one.