>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I GOTTA TELL YOU, THE FEELINGS ARE STRONG.
THE FEELINGS ARE STRONG TONIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU ARE FEELING.
BUT I GUESS THE WORD IS HISTORIC.
THIS IS AN HISTORIC DAY.
BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED HE
WILL WITHDRAW ALL U.S. FORCES FROM AFGHANISTAN BY SEPTEMBER
11, 2021, ENDING AMERICA'S LONGEST WAR-- EVEN LONGER THAN
THE NEVER-ENDING CUPCAKE WARS.
A QUAGMIRE OF GANACHE.
THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR ALMOST 20 YEARS.
TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY, THIS WAR IS TOO OLD TO DATE MATT
GAETZ.
20 YEARS IS A LONG TIME.
THOSE ARE 17th-CENTURY EUROPEAN NUMBERS.
THAT'S THE KIND OF WAR YOU FIGHT BECAUSE THE SPANISH CONTESSA
REJECTED YOUR PROPOSAL TO UNITE THE KINGDOMS AND ELOPED WITH THE
DUKE OF SAXONY.
TO FURTHER PUT THE WAR INTO PERSPECTIVE, THE WAR STARTED IN
OCTOBER 2001.
THIS IS WHAT BILLIE EILISH LOOKED LIKE THEN.
IT'S BEEN GOING ON SO LONG THAT THE FIRST "IRON MAN" MOVIE OPENS
WITH TONY STARK IN AFGHANISTAN.
THIS CONFLICT IS OLDER THAN THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE.
IT IS AN "INFINITY WAR," WITH NO ENDGAME.
"ANT-MAN AND THE WASP."
I WAS A CORRESPONDENT ON "THE DAILY SHOW" WHEN THE WAR
STARTED.
JIMMY, CAN WE SHOW THE PEOPLE WHAT I LOOKED LIKE BACK THEN?
HAVEN'T AGED A DAY.
RIGHT, CHRIS?
>> RIGHT IS THERE NOTE A DAY.
>> NOT A DAY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HOW YOU BE AN EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.
THIS WAR HAS TAUGHT US ALL KINDS OF THINGS, LIKE WHERE'S TORA
BORA?
OR KANDAHAR?
WHAT'S HELMAND PROVINCE?
IS THAT WHERE THEY GROW OPIUM OR MAYONNAISE?
WE GOT TO LEARN ABOUT ASHRAF GHANI, THE MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS,
AND HAMID KARZAI'S HAT.
WE LEARNED THE RULES TO BUZKASHI.
THAT'S A REAL SPORT THAT CAN BEST BE DESCRIBED AS "POLO WITH
A GOAT CARCASS."
ALSO, BEST ONLY DESCRIBED.
THE COST?
A TRAGIC LOSS OF HUMAN LIFE AND A DUFFEL BAG OF YOUR CASH THEY
CALLED "GHOST MONEY," BECAUSE SPENDING $2 TRILLION WITH NO
CLEAR DEFINITION OF VICTORY IS PRETTY SPOOKY.
BIDEN HAS WANTED THE WAR TO END FOR A WHILE.
WHEN HE WAS V.P., JOE WAS THE MOST SENIOR DISSENTING VOICE
AGAINST A SURGE IN AFGHANISTAN BACK IN 2008 AND 2009.
THIS WAR HAS BEEN GOING ON SO LONG, BIDEN HAS BEEN TRYING TO
GET THE TROOPS OUT SINCE HE WAS JUST "REGULAR" OLD.
NOW HE'S "MOUNTAIN DEW BAJA BLAST EXTREME" OLD.
THROUGH THE WHOLE THING, OUR TROOPS HAVE ALWAYS FULFILLED
THEIR MISSION, EVEN WHEN WASHINGTON COULDN'T CLEARLY
DEFINE WHAT THAT MISSION WAS.
BUT AS THE WAR DRAGGED ON THE NEWS STATIONS STOPPED TALKING
ABOUT IT, DESPITE THE FACT THAT 2400 SERVICE MEMBERS GAVE THEIR
LIVES, THE ONGOING WAR IN AFGHANISTAN RECEIVED NOT EVEN A
MENTION AT THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.
BUT HOW CAN YOU EXPECT THE GROUND WAR IN ASIA COMPETE WITH
WINDMILL CANCERS.
TODDLER WHO WILL NOT GO BIG-BOY POTTY, LINDSEY GRAHAM.
>> AFGHANISTAN IS GOING TO DETERIORATE PRETTY RAPIDLY.
AL QAEDA AND ISIS ARE GOING TO COME BACK.
HE'S PAVING THE WAY FOR ANOTHER 95.
>> Stephen: MAYBE LINDSEY IS RIGHT.
MAYBE WE HAVE TO STAY THERE OR THERE WILL BE CHAOS.
LOOK AT THESE SCENES FROM AFGHANISTAN RIGHT AFTER BIDEN
MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENTS.
NOPE, THOSE ARE LINDSEY'S FRIENDS.
AND BIDEN HAD AN ANSWER FOR THE "LET'S STAY THERE" CROWD:
>> SO WHEN WILL IT BE THE RIGHT MOMENT TO LEAVE?
ONE MORE YEAR?
TWO MORE YEARS?
TEN MORE YEARS?
I AM NOW THE FOURTH UNITED STATES PRESIDENT TO PRESIDE OVER
AMERICAN TROOP PRESENCE IN AFGHANISTAN-- TWO REPUBLICANS,
TWO DEMOCRATS.
I WILL NOT PASS THIS RESPONSIBILITY ON TO A FIFTH.
>> Stephen: LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK, PRESIDENT "THE
ROCK" JOHNSON.
THIS WAR HAS STAYED WITH THE THROUGH FOUR WHITE HOUSE
OCCUPANTS WITH NOTHING CHANGING.
WHEN I BOUGHT MY FIRST HOUSE, I WAS GETTING A TOUR FROM THE GUY
WHO HAD OWNED IT SINCE THE EARLY 60s, AND DOWN IN THE BASEMENT,
THERE WAS THIS DOOR LEANING AGAINST THE WALL OF THE UTILITY
ROOM.
I SAID, "OH, WHAT DOES THIS GO TO?"
AND THE OLD MAN LOOKED AT IT AND REPLIED, "I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS THERE WHEN WE MOVED IN."
THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN IS THAT DOOR, LEANING AGAINST A WALL, IF
THAT DOOR COST US $2 TRILLION WELL, JOE BIDEN HAS DECIDED IT'S
TIME TO SHUT THAT DOOR TO NOWHERE.
NOW, I'M SURE THERE'S A LOT MORE TO SAY ABOUT THIS, BUT I'M NOT
GOING TO SPEND ANY MORE TIME ON IT.
LIKE JOE BIDEN, THIS MONOLOGUE IS GOING TO GET OUT OF
AFGHANISTAN, BECAUSE WE GOT OUR OWN HOME-GROWN TERRORISTS WE'RE
TRYING TO DEAL WITH.
A NEW REPORT SAYS THE CAPITOL POLICE WERE TOLD TO HOLD BACK ON
THEIR RIOT RESPONSE ON JAN 6, DESPITE BEING TIPPED THAT
"CONGRESS ITSELF IS THE TARGET."
THIS REPORT IS FROM THE INSPECTOR GENERAL, MICHAEL A.
BOLTON.
BOLTON IS SCHEDULED TO APPEAR BEFORE CONGRESS ON THURSDAY, BUT
WE HAVE A PREVIEW OF HIS TESTIMONY:
♪ WHEN A MOB STORMS THE CONGRESS.
♪ THEY SPREAD POOP ON PELOSI'S SHELLLLF."
THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY WARNED THE CAPITOL
POLICE THAT IT HAD FOUND A MAP OF THE CAPITOL COMPLEX'S
TUNNEL SYSTEM POSTED ON THE EX-PRESIDENT'S MESSAGE BOARDS.
YEAH, CRIMINALS ALWAYS GO OVER DETAILED SCHEMATICS FOR THE
THINGS THEY'RE NOT PLANNING TO ATTACK.
IT'S LIKE THAT SCENE IN "STAR WARS":
>> THE TARGET AREA IS ONLY TWO METERS WIDE.
IT'S A SMALL THERMAL EXHAUST PORT RIGHT BELOW THE MAIN PORT.
BUT FORGET ALL THAT.
LET'S GO NEAR THE DEATHSTAR AND DO A PEACEFUL PROTEST.
>> Stephen: DESPITE KNOWING THAT THE THREAT WAS REAL AND URGENT,
OFFICERS WERE INSTRUCTED BY THEIR LEADERS NOT TO USE THEIR
MOST AGGRESSIVE TACTICS TO HOLD OFF THE MOB.
OF COURSE, IT WAS JUST AN ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL, NOT A ROUTINE
TRAFFIC STOP.
THE REPORT ALSO SAYS THAT SOME OF THE SHIELDS THAT OFFICERS
WERE EQUIPPED WITH DURING THE RIOT "SHATTERED UPON IMPACT"
BECAUSE THEY HAD BEEN IMPROPERLY STORED IN A TRAILER
THAT WAS NOT CLIMATE CONTROLLED.
SO IN WASHINGTON, D.C., IN JANUARY, THEY HAVE A SHIELD THAT
WORKS AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T GET TOO COLD?
WE HAVEN'T SEEN THIS LEVEL OF NEGLIGENCE BY OFFICIALS SINCE
FLORIDA ANNOUNCED THEIR SNOWMAN LIFEGUARD INITIATIVE.
SOME OFFICERS COULDN'T EVEN GET THE BENEFIT OF EXPLODING SHIELDS
BECAUSE WHEN THE RIOT STARTED, THE CIVIL DISTURBANCE UNIT
ATTEMPTED TO ACCESS THE BUS TO DISTRIBUTE THE SHIELDS BUT WERE
UNABLE BECAUSE THE DOOR WAS LOCKED.
"UHH, UHHH, SHOULD I LOCK THE CAPITOL OR THE BUS?
THE SENATORS MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE, BUT AT LEAST THESE
SHIELDS MADE OF PEANUT BRITTLE ARE SAFE."
HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SPOKE OUT ABOUT THE RIOT--
SPECIFICALLY, THE IDEA THAT SHE WAS A TARGET OF VIOLENCE,
SAYING, "WELL, I'M PRETTY TOUGH.
I'M A STREET FIGHTER," THAT'S TRUE. NANCY IS ALWAYS MY
GO-TO CHARACTER IN "STREET FIGHTER."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> THE MOTION IS DEFEATED!
>> Stephen: THE NEWS KEEPS GETTING MORE DISTURBING/
MORE ENTERTAINING ABOUT FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN MATT GAETZ,
SEEN HERE SAYING, "I CAN TAKE ONE OF YOU GIRLS BACKSTAGE TO
MEET SELENA GOMEZ."
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF
"GAETZ-GAETE"!
>> HOP IN BABY.
WE'RE GOING TO CLASS.
>> Stephen: THIS MORNING, WE LEARNED THAT GAETZ ATTENDED
CHAMPAGNE-FUELED SEX PARTIES WITH OTHER G.O.P. OFFICIALS.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO TORN IN MY LIFE.
I WANT THERE TO BE A SEX TAPE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIG OUT
MY OWN EYES WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON.
THESE WEREN'T YOUR WORKADAY CHAMPAGNE INTERCOURSE SHINDIGS.
THEY WERE HOUSE PARTIES IN A GATED COMMUNITY IN SUBURBAN
ORLANDO.
IS MATT GAETZ A CONGRESSMAN OR A HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR?
"YOU GOTTA COME TO MY HOUSE AFTER PROM!
MARK'S BROTHER GOT US THE GOOD STUFF.
WE'RE TALKIN RASPBERRY MIKE'S HARD, A PREMIUM BOX OF
CHARDONNAY WITH A BIRD ON IT, AND A BEER THAT CAN ONLY BE
DESCRIBED AS MILWAUKEE'S 'BEST.'"
ACCORDING TO TWO WOMEN WHO ATTENDED THE PARTIES, UPON
ARRIVING, THEY WERE ASKED TO PUT AWAY THEIR CELLPHONES,
BECAUSE THE MEN DID NOT WANT THE NIGHT'S ACTIVITIES DOCUMENTED.
TO WHICH THE WOMEN REPLIED, "IT'S SEX WITH MATT GAETZ.
NEITHER DO WE."
ONE ATTENDEE SAID THAT GAETZ ACTED LIKE A FRAT-TYPE OF PARTY
BOY.
WHAT FRAT WOULD THAT BE?
IM'-A TAPPA MINAH?
BETA GETTA LAWYA?
GONNA GO-TA JAIL-A?
SHE ALSO REPORTED THAT GAETZ WAS TAKING PILLS SHE BELIEVED WERE
RECREATIONAL DRUGS.
AND PARTYGOERS SAY THEY SHARED DRUGS LIKE COCAINE AND ECSTASY.
AND SOME HAD SEX, ADDING THAT GAETZ LIKED TO DISCUSS POLITICS.
WOW, HOW DID THE GIRLS LIKE THAT?
"WOW, CONGRESSMAN.
THAT'S LONG A STORY.
MARK MEADOWS DID WHAT?
AND THEN WHAT DID JIM JORDAN SAY?
O, GOD, WHAT WAS THE SAFE WORD?
PUMPKIN PATCH!
PUMPKIN PATCH!" ANOTHER ATTENDEE AT THESE
PARTIES WAS THE GUY GAETZ DESCRIBED AS HIS "WING MAN,"
FORMER FLORIDA TAX COLLECTOR AND MAN WHO THINKS HE KNOWS THE
STRIPPERS' REAL NAMES, JOEL GREENBERG.
GREENBERG IS CURRENTLY IN FEDERAL CUSTODY ON 33 COUNTS OF
FINANCIAL AND SEXUAL CRIMES, INCLUDING SEX TRAFFICKING.
NOW, YOU MIGHT THINK THIS IS BAD FOR GAETZ, BUT IT'S EVEN WORSE,
BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED GREENBERG HAS BEEN COOPERATING
WITH THE FEDS AGAINST GAETZ SINCE LAST YEAR.
AND KEEP IN MIND LAST YEAR WAS FIVE YEARS AGO!
IF GREENBERG'S BEEN DISHING THAT WHOLE TIME, THE FEDS SHOULD
EXPECT A VENMO PAYMENT ANY DAY NOW BECAUSE GAETZ IS
( BLEEP )ED.
AND WE KNOW GREENBERG THREW HIS BECAUSE LAST WINTER, FEDERAL
AGENTS SEIZED GAETZ'S iPHONE.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THAT JUST GIVES GAETZ ANOTHER THING IN
COMMON WITH HIS DATES.
"HEY MADISON, I JUST LOST MY PHONE PRIVILEGES, TOO!"
BUT DESPITE HOW GRIM THINGS ARE GETTING FOR GAETZ, HIS
COLLEAGUES IN THE G.O.P. AREN'T WORRIED.
SAID ONE ANONYMOUS REPUBLICAN, IT'S JUST HEARSAY.
IF YOU HAD MULTIPLE 17-YEAR-OLDS COMING OUT AND SAYING, 'HE PAID
ME TO TRAVEL WITH HIM,' I THINK THAT IT WOULD BE
DIFFERENT."
WAIT, IT HAS TO BE "MULTIPLE" 17-YEAR-OLDS?
WHAT'S THE LOGIC THERE?
"YOU CAN'T TRUST JUST "ONE" TEENAGE GIRL.
HER BRAIN'S ALL MIXED UP FROM SIEG MATT GAETZ NAKED.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT-- ALLEGEDLY.
HE ALLEGEDLY HAS A PENIS.
MY GUESTS ARE WILLIE GEIST AND ACTRESS MARIA BAKALOVA.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I INJECT YOU WITH SOME NEWS ABOUT THE
VACCINE.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪