Just minutes ago, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton
left the stage after what was the most-watched episode
of Monday Night Raw.
Now, in the interest of dramatic flair,
we have also asked the audience to remain silent
the entire evening and not to laugh or applaud
unless they hear, like, a super funny joke.
But on the real, though, people, this is it-- we made it!
-The first debate! We made it. -(cheering, applause)
The waiting is finally over.
This was after a year of subtweeting each other
on the campaign trail.
Finally, Hillary Clinton
and Donald Trump went head to head.
And we did not have to wait long for the first lie.
Donald, it's good to be with you.
Aah! She's crooked.
She's so crooked. The lies, Hillary.
Even Melania was in the audience, like,
"It's never good to be with him. Don't lie.
Small hands, small hands."
You could tell both candidates
prepared so much for this debate.
And even-even before the debate, I mean, Hillary and Trump--
they tried to psyche each other out.
Last week Hillary invited Mark Cuban
to sit in the front row.
Uh, you know, because Trump might get thrown off
by seeing a real billionaire.
But then... but then, Trump was like,
"Okay, if that's how you're gonna play it,
well, maybe I'll invite one of your husband's mistresses."
That's some serious mind game (bleep), people.
I thought for sure... I thought for sure Hillary was just
gonna be like, "All right, well, let's do this, then--
I'm gonna invite the mariachi band to sit in the front row."
And then Trump was gonna be like,
"Well, I'll invite a bag of cough drops."
And then Trump would realize that Bill Clinton
is sitting between Ivanka and Melania and be like,
"Hey, Hillary, that's too far.
You can't put Bill between the two women I love."
And Hillary would be like, "Wait, I thought that was
your idea." And Bill would be like, "No, that was my idea."
Now, after the Matt Lauer incident,
the last thing the debate commission wanted
was to be seen as being biased against either side,
and so they caved both candidates' demands.
They gave Hillary a shorter podium
and they let Donald Trump stop and frisk Lester Holt.
But this night, ladies and gentlemen, was full of fire.
In fact, most of the night looked like this.
You haven't done it in 30 years or 26 years,
-any number you want to do it. -Well, I-I've been a senator,
Donald, and... I have been a secretary of state.
-...that, in my book... -So is it President Obama's fault?
-before you even announce... -Is it President Obama's fault?
-But you have no plan. -...but in... Oh, I do.
-Secretary, you have no plan. -In fact, I've written
a book about it.
-You know what... -You said it's the finest deal
-you've ever seen, and then you heard what I said... -No.
about it and all of a sudden you were against it. -Well, Donald,
I know you live in your own reality...
Ooh!
Welcome to the real life version of Twitter, people.
You know that at that point
Lester Holt wasn't even moderating anymore.
He was just eating popcorn with everyone else,
like, "Whoa! Oh, ho, ho, ho!"
Now, before the debate started,
everyone had their own thoughts
on how this night would go, right?
Was Trump gonna be presidential?
Would Hillary cough and destroy the world?
Would Matt Lauer show up and ask for a second chance?
So many questions we had. I will say this, though:
I could be not have been more impressed
with Lester Holt tonight,
because he asked all the right questions,
including how to keep America safe.
Just go to her Web site, she tells you how to fight ISIS
on her Web site. I don't think General Douglas MacArthur
-would like that too much. -HOLT: All right, the next...
The next segment, we're continuing the subject... -Well,
-at least I have a plan to fight ISIS. -No, no,
you're telling the enemy everything you want to do.
-No, we're not. -See, you're telling the enemy
everything you want to do. No wonder you've been fighting...
no wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.
What? Her entire adult life?
ISIS has been around since 2004,
so that would make Hillary 26 years old?
And she can't be 26,
because Donald Trump wasn't hitting on her.
I don't understand... what the...
Seriously, seriously, at some point,
Donald Trump was out of control.
He was hitting Hillary for the economy,
ISIS, her e-mails, taxes
and he wanted to hit her for even more.
I-I have a feeling that by the end of this evening
I'm gonna be blamed for everything that's ever happened.
Why not?
Oh! Yeah, why not?
I mean, Hillary even impregnated Trump's mother,
so Trump is actually her fault. Damn you, Hillary!
Oh, and by the way, don't you think "Why not?"
is the perfect Trump campaign slogan?
Donald Trump-- why not, folks, why not? Why not?
Take a chance. Why not? Why not?
'Cause we'll die, that's why not.
That one line, though... that one line
summed it all up for me. This whole entire evening.
Trump's evening wasn't just about Hillary.
This debate was about Donald Trump
debating the establishment.
He was blaming Hillary for everything.
Everything Obama did,
uh, even everything Bush did, you know?
By the end of the night I was like, "You're right,
she should have never shot Ax... Alexander Hamilton. Yeah!"
And I felt so bad for Lester Holt here.
He tried so hard to ask Trump about releasing his tax returns,
for instance, but Trump wouldn't let him do anything.
HOLT: Mr. Trump, we're talking about the burden
that Americans have to pay
yet you have not released your tax returns
and-and the reason nominees have released their returns
for decades is so that voters will know
if their potential president owes money to...
who he owes it to and any business conflict.
I will release them as soon as the audit.
Look, I've been under audit almost for 15 years.
I get audited almost every year.
And, in a way, I should be complaining.
I'm not even campaigning. I don't mind it.
But you just complained!
"I'm shouldn't... I should be complaining,
"but I'm not complaining. I should be...
"Let me tell you how much... how bad this is, I shouldn't
be telling you about this but I am telling you about this."
I should be shouting at you right now,
but I'm not, Donald Trump!
And the best part of this whole night was when, halfway through,
he just gave up making excuses about his taxes and he switched.
He became honest and he became proud of it.
He doesn't want the American people--
all of you watching tonight--
to know that he's paid nothing in federal taxes,
because the only years that anybody's ever seen
were a couple of years when he had to turn them over
to state authorities when he was trying to get a casino license,
and they showed he didn't pay any federal income tax.
-So, if he's paid... -That makes me smart.
(laughter, groaning)
I'm sorry, what?
Dude, taxes are a responsibility,
not something to evade, you know?
You-You're running to be the number one citizen of a country.
You shouldn't brag about ways you found ways
to get around the rules.
He's like, "Oh, that makes me smart.
"You see what I did there? Ha-ha.
"Screwed over the American people by not paying
"my fair share. Ha-ha. Vote for me. Yeah.
"Vote for me. You see what I did there?
"I duped you all. You can't see me.
I found a way around the rules."
Yeah. You know who else found a way around the rules?
O.J. No one likes him.
"I found this very financial loophole...
"very lucrative financial loophole called crime.
Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Vote for me."
Personally, to be honest, when this debate started,
I-I thought Donald Trump wasn't doing a bad job, you know?
He was throwing the right punches,
he was saying the right things.
But then the debate moved to foreign policy,
and, honestly, I didn't think this was ha...
I-I didn't think this would happen, but I...
I was personally offended.
You know, it's one thing to have $20 trillion in debt
and our roads are good and our bridges are good
and everything's in great shape. Our airports,
our airports are like from a third world country.
(chuckling)
Our airports are nicer than yours, Donald Trump.
And don't you bring third world countries into this (bleep),
you hear me? We're watching this debate right now.
Everyone's sitting at home, going,
"What is he talking about, huh?
"What is he talking... We've got nice airports.
"We've got wonderful countries. And, on top of that,
we have professional tanning salons."
Asshole. You didn't land in a third world country.
Don't involve us in your problems.
So the debate moved on, right?
Moved on to race relations in America.
Uh, and it turns out-- and this might have been
my favorite part of the evening--
it turns out the only way Donald Trump
can truly relate to any issue in America
is by whether or not he has a property in that place.
When I look at what's going on in Charlotte,
a city I love, a city where I have investments...
You don't have good community relations in Chicago.
It's terrible. I have property there.
It's terrible what's going on in Chicago.
Yeah. I love this.
Donald Trump relates to America
like he's playing a game of Monopoly.
"Yeah, I have that street. I know what it's like there.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm."
He's my boy. He gets it, you know? Yeah.
"Some of my favorite dollar bills live in Charlotte. Yeah.
"Yeah. What if a black guy stands in front of my building
"and one of the bullets goes through him
and hits my building? Ho, ho, ho."
But, look, Trump, Trump wasn't the only guy
saying wrong things tonight-- don't get me wrong.
He said most of the incorrect things, right?
But Hillary said wrong things when she got put on the spot.
Like, for instance, about the murder rates in New York.
Under the current mayor, crime has continued to drop,
-including murders. So there is... -You're wrong.
-You're wrong. Murders are up. -No, I'm not.
-All right, you'll check it. -New York, New York
-has done an excellent job. -You'll check it.
Here's the thing. Hillary,
you don't need to be fighting over specifics
that Trump can prove... go opposite to what you're saying.
You're missing the point. This is about stop-and-frisk.
Shootings went up in New York for a few years
after stop-and-frisk ended, all right?
You don't need to defend it by lying.
You see, this is... this is one of the things
I don't understand. These are the small lies
that allow false equivalency to exist.
You don't need to confuse shootings with murders
to justify ending stop-and-frisk.
Because you realize you just achieved
the impossible, Hillary. By lying there
in a debate with Donald Trump,
you gave him one thing where he was right.
You might as well have said you think his hair looks good.
When you talk about healing, I think that I've developed
very, very good relationships over the last... little while
with the African American community.
I think you can see that.
Y-You see that there?
That's a little thing I like to call Truth Trump.
Whenever you watch Trump from now on-- watch him--
every now and again, Truth Trump comes out.
He can't control it. He'll be like,
"I've developed relations with the African community
over the past... little while."
It just slips out, it just slips out.
Just slips out. "All the taxes... I cheat.
Oh, I don't... I don't..." (laughing)
Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah.
"Because before this, I did not mess with black people."
That's Honest Trump.
You know, I also noticed the very nasty commercials
that you do on me in so many different ways,
which I don't do on you. Maybe I'm trying to save the money.
Oh, you see that? Just slipping it in.
"Yes, I don't do commercials on you.
'Cause I'm trying to save the money."
Not 'cause he's a good person. Yeah.
That's what he should have said. "I don't do negative commercials
"'cause I'm a good ma... 'Cause I'm trying to save the money.
"Truth Trump, shut up. I can't control it.
I need to build a wall in my mind, folks."
This is all the things he said. This is so insane.
...the other day, behind the blue screen,
I don't know who you were talking to, Secretary Clinton,
but you were totally out of control.
I said, "There's a person with a temperament
-that's got a problem." -Secretary Clinton.
Whew! Okay.
Look at Hillary. This is one thing I loved in this debate,
you know? Every other debate has been around something else.
I mean, it hasn't been a presidential debate.
There's been Hillary, there's been this, there's been that,
there's been Trump, there's been bouncing.
But this was Hillary's domain.
You could see, when she gets asked the questions,
she's got a little shimmy there, you know? A little spark.
She's like, "Whew, this is me. Is this words?
Is that what we're doing now? I'm loving this."
♪ Words, words, words, words, words, words ♪
♪ Give me all the words, words, words, words, words, words ♪
-(cheering and applause) -She was feeling it.
Policy is her world.
And-and I don't want to start any rumors,
but there's a reason I think Trump didn't do well.
I'm not sure-- and I'm not trying to start rumors--
but Trump was sniffing a lot in this debate.
And-and someone needs to look into that.
Perhaps we'll be talking about that later. (sniffs)
Hundreds of companies are doing this. (sniffs)
Our country's in deep trouble. (sniffs)
(sniffing)
I want you to be very happy.
-(cheering and applause) -(sniffs)
What was that about, Trump?
But, look, uh, we didn't watch the debate
just to make jokes about it.
We wanted to do our part to keep the candidates honest.
And tomorrow on the show, we're gonna delve into it.
I mean, it just happened now. It's still sinking in.
Uh, so we did have Senior Campaign Correspondent
Roy Wood, Jr., watching closely, ladies and gentlemen.
-Roy Wood, Jr., joining us live. -(cheering and applause)
Roy, uh...
how did the two candidates do tonight?
Yeah, Trevor, I saw them two sneaky-ass mofos tonight.
Oh, wait, this is live. C-Can I say "mofos"?
Yeah, well, you just did.
Uh, but probably not "ass." don't say "ass."
Well, you just said it. Forget it.
Look, now let's just kick it off with my man Donald Trump.
He came out saying,
"I want to make sure immigrants get deported."
I was like, "Oh, hell, no!"
But then Hillary starts talking about being trustworthy.
Trustworthy?!
(scoffs) Girl, you tripping.
I know you did not just start talking about being trustworthy.
Oh, and then, Trump started talking
about how he was always against the Iraq War.
He was cutting off Lester Holt.
I was like, "Lester, let me come up to Hofstra
"and ride on this fool for you, man.
-I got your back, brother!" -Roy, Roy, Roy.
Roy, what are you doing?
You asked me to black-check the debate.
(laughter)
No, no, Roy.
No. I asked you to fact-check the debate.
Oh. That's my bad.
Why would I ask you to black-check the debate?
I don't know why you would ask that.
I thought it was pretty racist, to be honest.
You know, I didn't want to say anything, though,
'cause I was like, "That dude hate black people.
I better keep my mouth shut."
You know, but, hey, Trevor, real talk, though.
Why do you think Trump was sniffing so much?
Well, if you ask me, Roy, it's obvious.
He was probably sniffing all the bull(bleep) that he was saying
on stage all night.
Roy Wood, Jr., everyone.