-Mike Pence is in charge of handling the coronavirus.
In fact, he released a PSA today to help calm everybody down.
Here. Take a look.
-Hello. I'm Mike Pence.
And I want to talk to you about coronavirus.
I am the Vice President, the ambassador to heaven,
and now Trump's little science boy.
It's true, the President has put me in charge of coronavirus.
So there's no need to panic or even...blink.
[ Laughter ]
Luckily, we can already see the white at the end of the tunnel.
Today, President Trump allocated
$8.3 billion to disease prevention.
That's one dollar for every sin
that's been committed at a Cher concert.
And, fortunately, I understand viruses...
or, as I call them, little nose Satans.
So everything will be cool as milk
as long as we follow a few tips...
like, instead of saying, "Bless you,"
start saying, "God bless you."
Wash your hands frequently.
And don't touch yourself. Not even in the shower.
If you're feeling sick, call your exorcist right away.
Avoid personal contact, even with your spouse.
That's why Mother and I haven't touched in years.
And if you have to cough, don't.
That's just the Holy Spirit slipping out of you.
Coronavirus is affecting all Americans.
Even I had to cancel
my Leviticus on the Sea Bible cruise.
But if we stay calm, everything will be all white.
I mean all right. All right.
I'm Mike pence, and I bless this message.
[ Applause ]
I'm gonna be the fall guy for this, aren't I?
He's gonna go with Nikki Haley, right?
All righty, then. Mother, pack our bags!