- I hate diet and exercise.
If you go to a gym, has anyone been to those?
(audience laughs)
It's so terrible.
There's all these things where you don't know
where to put your hands or feet.
There's so many rules and no one explains it to you,
they just give you more towels.
(audience laughs)
It's so terrible.
I tried exercising.
I didn't realize that you needed to wear a sports bra
and I almost ripped my tits off.
(audience laughs)
So heard the tearing,
I was like, I gotta sit down.
(audience laughs)
It was so bad.
(hiphop music)
- Lately, I've been reel into making
like vision boards and dream boards and shit.
(audience claps)
Okay, you on there?
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
(audience laughs)
- [Audience Member] That's right!
- You got to!
- [Audience Member] You got to.
- Why else you living?
(audience laughs)
If you don't got dreams?
- You're right, right.
- If you guys don't know what a vision board is,
it's where you take a list of goals.
You can make a collage,
you could do whatever you want with it.
You have a list of goals, things you wanna accomplish.
They could be for your personal life,
your spiritual life, your career.
You could just put things you wanna buy, it's okay.
(audience laughs)
And you put that someplace
where you can see it every day.
I put mine in my bedroom
so as soon as I wake up,
I sit up and I can see it, and I can go,
"Okay.
These are the things I'm gonna focus on today.
These are the things I'm gonna accomplish this year!"
And then sometimes those things actually happen.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers) (audience applauds)
But most of the time they do not.
(audience laughs)
It's very frustrating.
(audience laughs)
But you still gotta have dreams,
you gotta have goals, you know?
Couple of years ago
in my apartment complex on New Year's Eve
I was having this little vision board party,
just hanging out.
(audience laughs)
Oh, you know how that (bleep) be.
(audience laughs)
We was just getting faded,
supporting each other spiritually and shit.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
And my best friend Gabe was there.
And Gabe asked me, he's like,
"What's your biggest dream?
You gotta be able to say it out loud
if you want it to come true."
And I was like, "My biggest dream,
tell you the truth, Gabe, is I want a home base.
I wanna be able to have a house for me and my son."
And then the next New Year's Eve
we had another vision board party
at my brand new house.
(audience cheers) (audience applauds)
And I was like, "Oh shit!
(audience laughs)
Why didn't I ask for more stuff?"
(audience laughs)
I didn't think this would really work!
- I'm still seeing my therapist over Zoom,
and it's weird, I don't like it.
Because I've never seen
inside my therapist's apartment before
with her knowing.
(audience laughs)
And she's one of those Freudian therapists
where like every time I ask her a question,
she twists it into a question about me.
Like I asked her, I was like,
"When are we gonna start meeting in person again?"
And she was like, "Why are you under my bed?"
(audience laughs)
I think everyone should be in therapy,
especially more men need to be in therapy.
(audience cheers) Yes, yes!
Yes, yes, but they're very reluctant.
Men are very reluctant.
My best friend, his name is Josh, he's my age.
He just went through a second divorce.
He's been very depressed and I told him,
I was like, "You should go to therapy."
And he was like, "Nah.
Running.
(audience laughs)
Running, that's my therapy."
And I was like, "Oh, that's so interesting
because sushi, that's my hair cut."
What the fuck are you talking about?!
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
(audience cheers)
We need to treat depression
like the disease that it is, right?
(audience cheers) Yes, yes.
You wouldn't tell someone with diabetes to run it off,
(audience laughs) 'cause you need both feet.
- Yeah, yeah, people who go to the gym all the time.
That's what they do.
Like I got a friend that goes to the gym twice a day;
before work, after work.
I'm like, you work for State Farm?
Who (beep) you trying to be?
(audience laughs)
You doing two a days?
Look man, just do 10 more the first trip.
(audience laughs)
I wish I could like believe in like going to the gym.
'Cause I try to eat, I eat very well
so that I can drink, 'cause I drink like a (beep) fish.
So I try to eat well so I can try to stay,
but there's like nothing up under here worth looking at.
(audience laughs)
And I try every year.
First quarter, like, I'ma join the gym, I'ma be better.
And then by April you're like,
"You know what?
I'm gonna be the same piece of (beep)
I was last year (beep)."
(audience laughs).
I'm better for that, right?
But this February I got, this February I got like,
I was like, I'm gonna get me a trainer.
So I got on Groupon 'cause I wanna be a 100% better person,
but only for like 60% off, you know?
(audience laughs)
But I get to the gym, got my voucher
and I was like, I got 10 sessions
and so I'm like I'ma do it.
And so I'm like, where's my dude?
And he's at the machines already,
and so I go to the machines, I'm like,
"Yo, what's up man? I'm your new client.
The dude is like, are you like, what are you?
I was like, what are you, what are you like?
I was like, "Man, what the (beep) is wrong with you?"
(audience laughs)
Is that gonna happen to me?
I cannot have that happen to me!
I already cannot smoke weed,
I don't need this too!
(audience laughs)
And dude's like, "What are you talking about?"
I was like, "Man, don't act like you don't know
it's just neck and shoulders (beep) you got going man."
I try to turn away, but it's mirrors everywhere, okay?
I see it from every angle.
And dude's like, "What kind of results do you want?"
And I was like, "Look man, I...
Stop it, stop it."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "I don't need, I don't need abs."
I mean, I think they're cool.
If you have them, you won, congratulations.
(audience laughs)
But I don't need abs just 'cause like I don't wanna be that.
I don't wanna be that dude
that has to one day remember having abs.
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean? 'Cause you can't keep them.
No matter how hard you try,
they're just gonna go away
and I don't wanna be that asshole that has to scroll
through his Instagram 300 weeks ago and be like,
"Remember that summer I had abs?
(audience laughs)
That was a great summer."
(audience laughs)
Even if you are like that anomaly that keeps abs just hold,
you ever seen that commercial where that dude's like,
"I'm 70 years old and in the best shape of my life."
He's got the cul-de-sac haircut.
You like, "Man, you look (beep) gross, man."
Why do you have abs?
Just be a regular grandfather.
Put your shirt on when you go check the mail.
You look stupid.
- Been thinking about vision boarding.
(audience laughs)
That's funny? Okay.
(audience laughs)
I thought I was gonna be vulnerable with y'all,
but I'll hold it back.
No, I wanted a vision board,
but I just don't know how long you have
to complete the visions.
(audience laughs)
Like I've heard everything from like a week
to, like, til you die.
(audience laughs)
I'm like, those are supposed
to be two different things, right?
(audience laughs)
I had no idea, I just put mad obtainable shit on there.
That shit turned into a grocery list, if anything.
(audience laughs)
Like I got Nike socks, remember to get deodorant.
(audience laughs)
Maybe get a sandwich named after me at the delis.
(audience laughs)
Something to strive for, you know what I'm saying?
Really put in that work.
I did get a letter the other day from the IRS.
Yeah, well I got it like last year.
I just opened it up the other day.
(audience laughs)
I did.
I threw that shit right in the garbage 'cause
like I tried to open it, right,
and then I got a paper cut and I was like,
you know what? This was not on the vision board, right?
(audience laughs)
Distracting me, taking me off course.
I was like, we gotta do better (chuckles).
- I've been trying to practice self-care lately, okay?
But what I usually do is not hitting the spot no more.
'Cause normally for me how I refill the well,
okay, how I take a breath
is by watching a lot of true crime
and listening to true crime podcasts.
It gives me a much needed perspective, honey.
It really does.
I was watching one of my jams on Investigation Discovery
which you know is the channel, okay?
(audience laughs)
I was watching one of my jams
and it was an hour long show about a woman in Wisconsin
who was locked in a box for two months.
And I was like halfway through this show and I was like,
"I'm doing all right."
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?
It's like even on my worst day, I'm not living a box life.
(audience laughs)
And that is crucial, you know?
You gotta keep that in mind.
Plus it's like, so like on one hand that's good
but then at the same time,
I think now I'm like getting too upset about it.
And it's funny 'cause my fiance,
he always knows when I'm watching true crime
'cause I'll just come into whatever room he's in
and start making pronouncements that make no sense.
Like he'll be like at his laptop and I'll be like,
"FYI, I am never getting life insurance."
(audience laughs)
He's like, "All right." (laughs)
- I am one year sober.
(audience cheers) (audience applauds)
I noticed that when I quit drinking
my husband started collecting expensive whiskey.
(audience laughs)
Thought that was a little annoying.
So I was like, "Babe, how come when I quit drinking
you started collecting whiskey?"
And he was like, "I have been trying
to collect it the whole time."
(audience laughs)
Oopsies.
I am from Wisconsin, though.
That's just what we do, we drink.
(audience cheers)
We have t-shirts in our airport that say,
"Drink Wisconsin-sibly".
(audience laughs)
My first shot of hard liquor was Everclear.
(audience laughs)
If you don't know what that is, congratulations.
(audience laughs)
You have homework.
(audience laughs)
It's 190-proof grain liquor.
(audience cheers)
And that being your first shot
is a lot like losing your virginity to a traffic cone.
(audience laughs)
Everything else is smooth sailing.
(audience laughs)
When I was 15, I gave up drinking for Lent.
(audience laughs)
But that was too hard,
so I gave up Catholicism instead.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
(hiphop music)