I do get invited to a lot of cult
meetings.
(audience laughing)
Oh, sorry you might call it Mary Kay
parties.
Have you guys been to these?
Mary Kay party.
You're like, oh, no.
Can I just give you $30 and leave?
Can I just--
Oh no you want me to take off
the makeup that I put on to come
over here?
OK.
All right this will be fun.
What are we doing tonight?
Every Mary Kay party starts
the same.
They do this thing called a satin
hands kit.
And all the ladies get so jazzed
about it.
They're like, "come into the party.
"Put this lotion on your hands.
"It's going to be fun.
"It's called the satin hands kit
"makes your hands soft like satin.
"Come on in and put this lotion on."
It puts the lotion on it's hands.
They do that see your hands get
so slippery you can't turn
the doorknob,
and escape the Mary Kay party.
You're like, oh, no,
(audience laughing)
I told my friends if you invite me
over for a party like at least
make it a Pure Romance party, right?
Or like a Bachelorette party,
or something a little bit
more entertaining to be at.
Because at the Mary Kay party
I get to find out if the Rebecca
likes to wear red lipstick.
But at a Pure Romance party
I get to find out that Rebecca is
disgusting, right?
(audience laughing)
What are talking about?
I don't even know what that is.
Oh, that's a lot of detail.
Thank you.
That's cool.
Awesome.
Yeah I invited my mom.
(audience laughing)
It's going to be a weird car ride
home.
(audience laughing)
I get invited
to so many of these girl
get together parties guys it's
like crazy.
Like I even got invited
to a Tupperware party one time.
That one was actually kind of fun.
I was excited.
I was like I didn't even know they
still had these.
Cool.
Do you just sell lids?
(audience laughing)
Can I get like 19 lids?
Various shapes and sizes.
Thank you.
Please ship them to me
every six weeks.
(audience laughing)
I put the ware in Tupperware
because what.
That's my Shark Tank idea
subscription box of lids.
I think it's going to be--
I have a bunch of Shark Tank ideas
sidebar.
One of them is an app that tells you
which woman around you has Tylenol
in her purse,
and how willing she is to give you
some.
(audience laughing)
The other one is not invention it's
just teaching dogs the Heimlich
maneuver.
(audience laughing)
Because they're watching you eat
your entire meal anyway, right?
They might as well be useful.
(audience laughing)
And if they do it right,
there's a treat in for it.
(audience laughing)
So many parties guys.
I got invited to a Botox party
by my friend one time.
I was like, oh, cool.
I'm going to invite you
to my corporate sensitivity
training.
Cause you don't know how to talk
to people.
That's very rude of you.
(audience laughing)
She was so cute when she said
it though.
She goes, "Kelly, I want you to come
"over to my house for a Botox party,
"but actually you can't tell anybody
"that you're coming over my house
"for a Botox party
"because it's actually
"illegal to have a Botox
"party at your house."
And I was like, oh, no way.
You mean that stuff has to be
medically injected into your face
by a doctor
not your friend Jackie here
with her shaky wine hands?
(audience laughing)
Is that what you're telling me?
I didn't want to go to the Botox
party initially, but now there's
no way I'm missing this Botox party.
(audience laughing)
I just want to see
the potential police stakeout
around the door.
They get all lined up they're
like, "we've got a Botox party
"10 o'clock.
"We're going in."
And they just bust open the door,
and they're like "freeze."
And all the women are like.
(audience laughing)
Is it good?
I'm crying right now can you tell?
I'm screaming inside.
Is it good?
Did I move?
All right.
Strippers in here.
(audience laughing)
Feel like I do a lot of things
wrong.
Like ladies you ever take
a screenshot of a text message,
and then accidentally send it right
back to that person?
And oh no.
Oh, you're busted.
Because we all know what
a screenshot of a text message
means, right?
It means I'm talking trash about you
on a group chat that you're not
a part of.
And, ch-ch, they've got to see this.
I've done that so many times I've
devised my own defense mechanism,
right?
As soon as I see that I've shot
that screenshot off
to the wrong person,
I start to shame the recipient.
Trust me it works,
you can have this line.
You just go, look what you said.
(audience laughing)
I had to take a picture of it,
and send it back to you,
so you can see how ridiculous it
looked coming through my phone
(audience laughing)
yeah.
(audience laughing)
I'm really good friends
for pointing this out to you
before anybody in that group chat
got a hold of it.
(audience laughing)
I'm bad at texting.
I'm also bad at Instagram, right?
Do you guys remember
when Instagram
used to be just people taking photos
of their food,
and the rest of us laughing at them
behind their backs?
(audience laughing)
And now every Instagram post
is same.
It's just a girl in a bikini
facing backwards.
Like family vacation
with my grandparents.
And I'm like, oh, I miss lasagna.
(audience laughing)
Call me old fashioned when I
wouldn't give for a good spaghetti
pic right now.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
Why did it get to be all butts?
So I don't understand.
It's all butts.
(audience laughing)
Or like ladies,
when did we collectively decide
as a gender
that once someone gets pregnant,
they have to stand out barefoot
with a flower crown
and an evening gown in the middle
of the woods
take pictures for Instagram?
What are we doing?
(audience laughing)
Why are you wearing fairy wings
Helen?
You work in HR.
You're not that friendly.
(audience laughing)
Did you meet your husband
in the shire?
What are we doing here?
(audience laughing)
Look, I want to rent the runway too.
I get it.
Just have a birthday party
or something woof.
(audience laughing)
Every photo is the same.
I know that because I'm very
fake on Instagram.
I'm trying to do all the poses.
Everything's so posed.
It reminds me of senior photos.
Do you guys remember senior photos?
When you take a freshly
graduated 18-year-old kid.
Take them out for a photo--
go stand in front of the railroad
tracks cross your arms.
(audience laughing)
That's the pose right there nothing
says I just graduated like someone
crossing their arms on a train
track.
(audience laughing)
I just graduated.
(audience laughing)
Stand on these train tracks.
(audience laughing)
Photographer it's a metaphor
for the tree of life
just getting ready to run them over.
(audience laughing)
Here are some bills kid.
(audience laughing)
Or it's like this.
This ain't my truck.
Four years.
You knew me for four years
in high school
didn't know I had a cowboy hat,
did you?
(audience laughing)
I waited four years to come out
of the closet as a cowboy.
Here I am.
Senior photos.
(audience laughing)
Once a wallet size, keep in touch.
The same photos every single time.
(audience laughing)
It's the energy of women.
I miss going to bars not because I
drink.
I don't drink.
I miss going to bars
to talk to drunk women
in the bathroom,
and get compliments
from them.
That's what I miss, right?
(audience laughing)
There is something we could solve
the world's problems with the amount
of positivity coming out
of the women's bathroom
when we're drunk.
It is insane how great people are.
Just walking in, you're like,
"you're a queen, you're amazing,
"you're beautiful, your boyfriend
"sucks, give me your phone
"I'll catfish him right now."
I've made so many best friends
in the women's bathroom you guys.
(audience laughing)
I had a girl we were best friends
for about 12 hours.
It was amazing.
She walks out of the stall,
and she's all disheveled,
and she's like, "oh,
"my I love your dress.
"That's so amazing.
"I love it."
I was like, thank you.
She was like, "that dress is so
"perfect you look beautiful."
And I was like, all right this makes
me uncomfortable.
The third time she said it she was
like, "I love that dress."
I was like, just take it.
I was so willing to do it
I was just willing to give her
my dress.
She's like, "I can't take your dress."
I was like, it has pockets.
She was like, "all right."
Did a little dress swap.
It was fine.
It just confused a lot of people
at the bar.
(audience laughing)
I woke up the next morning
I had texted her 22 times
that night.
It was really bad.
The last thing I texted her
I was like here's
that restaurant I kept telling you
about you
got to check it out I looked, and it
was Taco Bell.
(audience laughing)
I was like, totally off brand for me
I'm the McDonald's girl.
(audience laughing)
I like to dress up for other women.
I like when women give me
compliments.
I dress for women.
I don't dress for men.
Men say-- really I had a guy one
time he's like, "I think it's cute
"when girls wear jumpsuits."
I was like, I just heard that you
like women to feel trapped.
(audience laughing)
That's what I just heard you say.
(audience laughing)
My girlfriends are really fun.
They're really nice people.
I remember one time I got broken up
with by a guy, and one of my friends
came over my house at like 6 o'clock
in the morning.
And she did this she goes, "knock,
"knock.
"I made something because you got
"dumped, and I know that you're sad,
"so I made you something.
"I made you this breakup kit."
I was like, oh, cute.
What's a breakup kit?
Turns out a breakup kit
is a Mason jar filled with items
that were also metaphors.
Yeah, just what I needed.
(audience laughing)
She pulled the items out one
at a time to explain them.
She goes, "here you go here's
"a rubber band.
"So you can hold it all together."
(audience laughing)
I was like, oh, boy.
What kind of Pinterest nonsense
is this?
(audience laughing)
I do not want this Mason jar.
She's like, "here you go here's
"a tack, so you can hang in there."
(audience laughing)
I was like, did you just go clean
out your desk drawer,
and come over here, and call it
a present?
(audience laughing)
It's really cute.
I appreciate it.
Like I don't think a guy would ever
do that for another guy, right?
Now, Hey, man.
Heard that Kim dumped you.
I made you this.
(audience laughing)
Some break up kit.
It's a 10 pack.
Was a 12 pack,
but I got bored listening
to your stupid problems.
(audience laughing)
So I can date her now, right?
(audience laughing)
I love this time of the year guys.
I love-- Halloween's
my favorite holiday.
Anybody else like Halloween?
(audience cheering)
Halloween's the best.
I love Halloween so much.
As a kid I loved trick or treating.
Not because I like getting candy,
but because I like to see the inside
of other people's houses.
(audience laughing)
I was always a kid that got way too
close to the door made everybody
really uncomfortable.
Just trick or treat.
Oh, beautiful paint color what
is this?
Credenza.
I've never seen this-- do you have
air conditioning?
It smells like chili in here.
Can come in?
She's like, "get out of my house."
(audience laughing)
Such a creepy kid.
And I never knew you could buy
a Halloween costume until I was
an adult. Because my parents just
dressed me up with whatever was
laying around the house day of,
and then just made up
some weird costume idea.
I'd go knock on the door they'd
be like, "oh, cute.
"What are you?"
And I'm like, poor.
(audience laughing)
I'm a chef because I got a fork
glued to my shirt, right?
That's creative.
(audience laughing)
Actually wore the same thing
last year I just took my pants off.
I was slutty chef, right?
That's what I do.
Ladies can pull that off.
I like all the stuff.
All the creepy Halloween stuff.
I actually went to Salem last year.
Salem, Massachusetts.
Has anybody been to Salem before?
No, It's just Gettysburg for White
women.
That's what it is.
Just a bunch of white women
walk around like,
look at our history.
(audience laughing)
That's what we do.
(audience laughing)
Went to a parking garage in Salem.
I put $20 into park.
It was-- I put a $20 bill,
and it was $5 to park
and the automated
pay machine gave me
back $15 in $1 dollar coins.
I was like, what are these?
Are these tokens that I have
to spend on witchcraft?
I don't understand what these things
are.
I've never seen a $1 coin
till that very minute.
I was so confused.
I was like Sacaga who?
A woman on a coin.
What is this Canada?
What are these?
I've never seen these before.
(audience laughing)
I had no idea what to do with it.
And just so you guys know,
once you get a $1 coin you can't do
anything to spend a $1 coin
you're stuck with it for the rest
of your life.
You can't leave it as a tip
on a table.
Like, hey, that's $1.
No, it looks like a quarter.
You can't go to that restaurant
anymore, right?
You're a bad person for that.
You can't put them in the slots
the vending machine they don't make
a big enough for that.
You can't make it rain on anybody
you're just like throwing stuff
at people.
You're making it hail.
It's bad.
That's not how you do that.
You can't take them to the bank
they're like, "oh, no take backs.
"We don't know what that is."
(audience laughing)
I have a lot of anxiety as a person.
I have frequent anxiety dreams.
I have this one reoccurring dream
where I'm being chased by a tornado,
and I looked it up in a dream book.
It said if you have a dream where
are you getting chased by a tornado
it's actually symbolism that you
have chaos revolving around you
in your life.
And I was like, oh, man.
I guess that makes sense.
Like my life has been super chaotic
ever since my house got swept up
by that tornado, you know?
(audience laughing)
I can't find my documents.
(audience laughing)
I also have this dream where
my teeth fall out,
or I pull my own teeth out.
And I know it's-- has anybody had
this dream before?
Clap if you had this dream before.
Two of you.
Cool.
It means you are a serial killer.
(audience laughing)
This show just got a little bit
of fun.
(audience laughing)
It was in a book.
(audience laughing)
My parents are responsible.
Here's how I found out that I didn't
grow up like the rest of the kids
that I know.
I was in college, and I went grocery
shopping with my roommate.
And she said, "hey, I'm going to go
"get a poster board for one
"of my classes."
I was like.
Cool.
I'll just go get our complimentary
rotisserie chicken,
and I'll meet you at the checkout.
And she was like, "what?"
Yeah, complimentary rotisserie
chicken is what I said.
Because in my family when my father
would take us grocery shopping,
the first thing he would do
is go over to the deli section
to get a rotisserie chicken
to sit-in front of the car.
And then he would proceed to eat
the entire rotisserie chicken
with his bare fingers
while we were shopping
for groceries.
And then he would just leave
the carcass somewhere hidden
in the store.
And I just thought you got
a free complimentary rotisserie
chicken with your Kroger shopping
experience you guys.
I thought they had that good chicken
money.
I did not know my dad was the finger
licking bandet of Cincinnati OK
guys.
(audience laughing)
It's a weird time.
Regardless of who you voted for,
regardless of what political party
you are I'll just tell you what I
feel personally.
Like I'm just so ready for a woman
to be president.
Thank you.
All right.
You guys are like we're not even
ready for a woman to be a comedian.
(audience laughing)
Trying to sneak up here.
I got one woman that's good.
Here's my thing.
Because I think that women are
a little less confrontational,
right?
Because when a man is
mad at another man what does he do?
He puffs his chest up, gets
in his face,
he like throws his arm back,
and does this weird penguin waddle.
Come at me bro I've seen
this a million times, right?
And women we can hold things back
because sometimes when you're
in a fight with a woman
you don't even know you're
in a fight guys.
We going to hold that locked in here
for about five years
and just marry you right.
Which is the ultimate right.
Become best friends with your mom.
We're taking all your allies.
That's strategic warfare,
and it's right up there.
We can hold back our feelings
for very long.
I could just picture all of UN
full of all women presidents
from across every nation.
And everybody's like, oh, wait,
who's mad at who?
I can't tell.
This is good all right.
Look around, keep your eyes up.
Oh cute skirt.
I'm going to kill you.
You know, you're just very...
Alert the press about it.
And the delegate from China
walks up, and is like hey girls,
this is super weird, but none of you
came to my New Year's Eve party.
Everybody is like, oh,
I'm sorry China we were busy,
also you don't know when New Year's
Eve is.
(audience laughing)
Thank you it was a calendar joke.
It was a long calendar joke
the whole time.
(audience laughing)
I want to be a strong woman.
I want to stand up for myself
especially when people are bullies.
I was recently in a cab,
and I was having a really bad day.
So I was treating myself
to an ugly girl cry.
Guys ugly girl--
it's a lot of shoulder shaking.
There's like mascara on your shoes
you're like, how did that get down
there?
A lot of ugly faces just a really
loud ugly girl cry.
And the cab driver at one
point he turns around he looks
at me.
And he has a thick Russian accent,
and he says, "someone die?"
And I said, no.
He said, "so maybe you'll be quiet
"now."
(audience laughing)
I shut up immediately you guys.
That was the fastest I've ever
stopped crying my whole entire life.
It's great advice,
but I felt poked out.
I had no comeback for that.
I didn't know what to do.
I just did the most passive
aggressive thing I could possibly
think of.
I just tipped him in $1 coins.
(audience laughing)
Thank you guys so much.
I really appreciate being here.
I'm Kelly Collette.
Thank you.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)
[Announcer] - Give it up for
Kelly Collette.
(upbeat music)
[Announcer] - Ladies and gentlemen
please welcome Kelly Collette!
(upbeat music playing)
(audience cheering)
- Hi, guys.
Thanks so much for being here.
How's it going?
(audience cheering)
Great.
I'll tell you a little bit about me.
I have one sister, and my sister
calls me every year to tell me what
to buy her for Christmas.
I don't know if you guys have people
like this in your life,
it's a really fun game.
Like last year she called,
me and she's like, "hey, Kelly.
"All right it's Christmas.
"OK.
"I want this blender.
"All right.
"It's from Target.
"OK.
"It's $40.
"OK.
"Would you get that for me?"
I was like, all right.
She was like, "you are so thoughtful.
(audience laughing)
"What can I buy for you?"
I was like $40 gift card to Target.
(audience laughing)
All right.
I don't want to play this game
anymore
actually make it 100.
I'm trying to win Secret Santa
this year, right?
That's how competitive I am.
I try and win Secret Santa every--
I try to win all the games.
Don't invite me
to your bridal shower,
don't invite me to your baby shower,
I'll knock over your grandma
to win a potted plant.
Like I am so competitive.
I try and win the baby shower games
as if the prize is I get to keep
the baby.
You know what I mean?
Like that's how competitive I am.
It's ridiculous.
(audience laughing)
So competitive.
I had to say this to my friends
on multiple occasions.
I had to be like,
I'm very sorry for what I said
to you when we were in the escape
room.
(audience laughing)
You're not useless,
I'm just not as good as Sudoku as me
and that's not your fault
all right.
Just a very competitive person.
(audience laughing)
And it's not like I need prizes.
I'm like low key a hoarder.
Any hoarders here tonight?
No they never are.
They're at home with their treasure
babies.
(audience laughing)
Couldn't make it out the door
to come to the show.
(audience laughing)
Low key a hoarder.
I think I'm a hoarder a little bit
because it's so easy to get anything
you want nowadays.
Are you guys addicted to Amazon?
(audience laughing)
I can't believe it.
Every time a package comes
to my house, and I see that it's
an Amazon package I'm always like,
I didn't order anything.
Because that's how quickly it comes.
You forget that you actually buy
anything.
I was like, I have a secret admirer.
This is very mysterious.
This is fun.
And then I open it, and I'm like,
oh, zit stickers.
That's right.
(audience laughing)
I had a zit yesterday.
The stickers are clear,
and they disappear, and they will
hide on you every single time.
Don't buy clothes on Amazon.
Also that's my biggest advice.
Never buy clothes on Amazon
because it's never the quality you
think you're going to get.
I bought an outfit on Amazon one
time I was so excited about it.
I work for New Year's Eve I was
like, I'm gonna look hot in this.
I'm going to look like Mariah Carey.
I put it on I
always look like I look like Drew
Carey.
Why did I--
(audience laughing)
Why did I buy a blazer and glasses?
It's a weird, It's a weird New Years
Eve look.
'90s Mariah in case anybody
was judging me all right.
Always be my baby Mariah.
That's what I was going for.
(audience laughing)
Classic Mariah.
(audience laughing)
But my friends like they all
registered for their stuff
on Amazon.
It was so easy to get
them stuff.
And I've actually jealous
because when I got
married I was 23 years old
and I didn't know how to be a person
yet.
Let alone know what to register
for a wedding registry.
I had no idea.
So when I got married, I registered
for an ice cream maker,
and a hammock, and a bicycle.
(audience laughing)
And I got all of them you guys.
It was awesome.
I was like this is the best birthday
ever.
Who's this guy?
What?
(audience laughing)
I don't know what I need to be
a person.
Ice cream maker.
But I'm in my 30s now.
And it wasn't until last year
that I learned what a colander was.
(audience laughing)
A pasta strainer.
I had no idea.
I thought that was a cool metal hat
you got to wear in the kitchen
while your mom
was cooking spaghetti
sometimes.
I had no idea that you can actually
drain pasta with a tool.
How did I drain pasta?
You might be asking yourself.
Oh, well, first, you take
your boiling pot of hot water
off the stove, and then you slowly
walk over to the sink to pour it
out 1 inch at a time
while the steam hits you back
in the face.
You bare hand catch the pasta
throw it back on the counter I hope
it doesn't fall down, and the dog
doesn't eat it.
That's how you do it in my house.
Thank you.
(audience cheering)
The whole time like Shark Tank
better think of something this
is getting ridiculous.
(audience laughing)
Hand hurt so bad I can barely enjoy
my ice cream and my hammock, right?
(audience laughing)
I do a lot of things wrong.
I make a lot of mistakes.
I've been doing this really cute
thing now.
Whenever I make a mistake
I go, oh, sorry mom brain.
I love it it's so cute it gets me
out of everything.
I'm like, oops, mom brain.
And my friends are like, "Kelly,
"you're not a mom."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, oh, I forgot.
Mom brain.
(audience laughing)
So yeah.
Whose kids are these in my car?
(audience laughing)
Its going to be a hard one
to explain.
You guys I've never done the walk
of shame before.
Never.
The most shameful walk
I do as a person is when I take
a bag of McDonald's trash
out of the passenger side floor
seat of my car to walk into throw
away at a second McDonald's
location.
(audience laughing)
Usually on the same day right?
(audience laughing)
Because it's trashy to admit it,
but I love McDonald's you guys.
I love chemically
altered, non-nutritional food that
cost $1, right?
(audience laughing)
It's delicious, but we're not
supposed to admit it.
Because it's kind of trashy to admit
that you like McDonald's, right?
Because we all know that McDonald's
is just a public restroom that also
sells hamburgers.
(audience laughing)
(hums McDonald's theme song)
You got to pee, right?
(audience laughing)
Pullover.
At least get a fountain drink,
and make eye contact.
Be nice, be friendly with the people
at your local McDonald's.
(audience laughing)
I like McDonald's because it tastes
the same wherever you go,
and it's like sort
of comforting to me as a person.
Anywhere you go McDonald's tastes
the same.
I like that.
Except for this one time
I was in Europe
I got so homesick.
I was like, I'll just go visit
my friends at McDonald's
that'll make me feel better.
The American embassy, you know?
(audience laughing)
I walked in, and I was like,
yes, I'll take a McFlurry please,
and they were like, "great.
"Toffee or granola?"
And I was like, ew, what?
That's not a candy.
That's not like home.
I don't want that.
They're like, "oh, actually
"the McFlurry machines broke,"
and I was like, that's like home.
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
So comforting.