I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a professional psychologist. I'm going to share with
you how to take control over your own life without being a belligerent jerk.
This is really important because as you gain control over your own life you get to have
more freedom and by the end of this video, you will see exactly how that can be done.
The model that I'm about to share with you is one that I developed over about three decades
of clinical experience and specifically in working with parents. Here's why this is
relevant. Think about when you're a baby, how much control do you have over your own life?
Yeah, hardly any. You can make a big noise and a big stink and that's about it.
As you get older you gain more control. So, a child of seven or eight years old obviously has more
control than a baby who was just born. But what about when that child becomes 10 or 11 or 12 or 13,
they have even more control. Hopefully, by the time we're an adult we have full control over our lives,
right? Now, I know that there is some small print I get it. But for our intents and purposes today
let's just say that when you are grown up you get to have full control over your life.
Why don't I feel like I have more control then? Why do I feel so out of control? Here's the part that I
want to share with you from the model that is so applicable to us as adults to take control over
our own life. The visual model that I'm referring to here is the same one that I share with parents
and I want to give you a copy of that. In fact, go to the URL on the screen drpauljenkins.com/stages.
I'll explain that in just a minute. That will give you a visual copy
that you can have for yourself. You can print it out. You can refer back to it anytime that you want.
The visual model is helpful because it shows how control and maturity are related. So, on the
maturity scale for example we start out as babies. We don't have very much control. See, control is on
the up and down axis. As we get more mature we get to have more control our control grows. The
part under the line is the part we get for ourself. The part over the line is the control that other
people take in our life and to have full freedom we want to be the ones that are in control.
So, let's talk just a little more about the intricacies of maturity. This is what I call moral
development. How you make your choices and your decisions? I've divided it into three stages you'll
see that on the visual model as well. Stage one is characterized by selfishness, being self-centered,
being concerned mostly about me... It's demanding, it's manipulative, sounds a little
like a two-year-old, doesn't it? That's why we use this model for parenting too because immature kids
young kids are very focused on themselves. They don't spend a lot of time thinking about how
their behavior impacts other people or if I'm not going to sleep tonight is mom going to miss out.
See, they're not thinking that, it's all about me... But it's about stage not age because people at
older ages could still be stuck on stage one in terms of their moral development. You'll notice in
the title I mentioned belligerent jerk. If you're being a belligerent jerk you're on stage one.
If you're being selfish and demanding you're on stage one. If you're fighting and yelling and screaming
you're on stage one and we all go there sometimes, okay. I'm not saying that in an accusatory way. I'm
saying it so that you'll identify that behavior that belligerent jerk behavior is stage one.
If you are on stage one you don't get to have very much control over your own life and for adults
this becomes very concerning when we lose our freedom. I got to do a keynote recently at the
state prison and as I was meeting with these inmates and realizing that they are incarcerated.
They are locked down. Why? Well, there's a different reason, a different story for each of them.
These are good people whose behavior at some point violated the rights of others and that
meant that they got to lose some control over their own life. So, do you see where this connects?
Either you're in control or someone has to step in and once you're an adult it's not your parents
anymore it's the state. So, that's why it's so important to take control over our own life.
Let's go to stage two. At stage two, we stop fighting and start cooperating. Stage two we don't
want any trouble. We want to keep the peace. So, we're going to comply and go along with things and
you scratch my back I'll scratch yours. Let's work together here. It's more of a cooperative
approach. You get to have more control over your life when you're on stage two. When I mentioned
that I gave that keynote at the state prison and I was speaking with inmates. I've also spent some
time especially earlier in my career in the courts and I've testified in cases, I've done evaluations,
i've done child custody examinations, all kinds of things that involve the court setting and I've
watched this. This is so interesting to me. When someone comes in and is standing before the judge
in the court the judge has to decide what's going to happen with this person
and it usually involves some level of restriction of their freedom because of whatever brought them
before the court. I have seen people go in as a belligerent jerk swearing and profanity all over
the place and being really disrespectful toward the judge. Okay, you get the picture.
How do you think it goes for them? Yeah, not so well. The judge responds to that by taking more control
over that person's life. Now, I've seen other people go in in a very humble, contrite,
willingness to cooperate, which is the big hallmark factor of stage two by the way and they get a
very different response from the judge. See, the judges in these cases have the flexibility
to take more control or less control depending on the circumstances of the case. The main thing
they're looking for is the moral maturity of that person that's standing in front of them
and for them to show cooperation and humility and some remorse for the rights of others that they
have violated puts the judge in a position where the judge typically will take less
control over that person's life. They will give a more lenient kind of a penalty or a sentence
in those cases. I've seen it time and time again. That's why we can apply this model
to taking control of your life. Look, if you're being a belligerent jerk you're on stage one
and that by definition will take away control out of your life. It won't give you more control.
I think it's a false sense of power for some people. You see this all the time like in the
movies and things. You know that bravado or that kind of belligerent approach to life
because it gives them a false sense of control. When the reality of it is they can lose control
as a result. Now, let's go to stage three. This is the highest stage on the graph on the model
that I've shared with you of moral development. At stage three, we do the right things for the right
reasons. So, you'll notice that there's some morality involved here. There are values and ethics
that drive the decision-making. At stage three a really important characteristic
kicks in. I call it empathy and I define that by understanding and caring. Those two components,
understand and care how other people feel. So, at stage three it really matters to you what kind of
impact you're having on other people. I think at the earlier stages that
one especially and even at two there's not a full appreciation for the impact that my behavior has
on other people. But at stage three it's there it's present service is important at stage three and
another important concept that we call initiative. Initiative is where you see what needs to be done
and you do it. A quick example, if you were to walk into your kitchen right about now in the average
home right now there are things that need to be done in the kitchen. Now, let's use an example of
a teenager, for example, I had one in my office not too long ago where we were having this very
conversation and I asked that teenage girl, "How does mom know that the dishes need to be done?",
is this some kind of magic? Does she have some extra-sensory powers or something?
How does she know that the dishes need to be done? This 13-year-old girl she's like,
"She can see it", she's kind of rolling her eyes right and then that led to the next question,
"Can you see it?", and of course she can but what's the difference? It's initiative. See, the daughter
could see that the dishes needed to be done but she didn't take the initiative to actually do it.
She was even willing to do it if mom asked her to sometimes with a little
attitude. But how much more maturity does it take to see that the dishes needed and just
do it just take care of it? What is it in your life that you could look around and notice needs to be
done and where does your brain go with that? If you really want to take control over your life without
being a belligerent jerk you'll start to notice what needs to be done and take care of it .
You don't have to be asked by anyone. This is part of moral development, it's the maturity of stage three.
Initiative, it's one of the biggest indicators of that level of maturity. Look, freedom is not free.
Freedom is not free. It comes at the price of personal responsibility. When you're willing to pay
that price you can have the freedom and it comes as you develop the maturity that is demonstrated
by these three stages that I've shared with you here today. Hopefully, that's giving you some ideas
of where you can go with this information. Remember to grab that model that I shared with you
drpauljenkins.com/stages. Remember, it's about stage not age. You've got this.