(Whoopsh~!!) TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YA, LADDIES!!!, my name is jacksepticeye and welcome to a Sonic game, but not a not a real Sonic game
It's called Sonic
Suggests and I was looking around in the Internet to try and find some games to play and this is one that popped up and
I don't know how to describe this. This is the weirdest shit ever. And it's- it's 4:30 a.m
right now as I'm playing this game and I am...
disturbed. I'll just- I'll let the game talk for itself.
What the hell is happening?
Oh did he just do the side Gangnam style fucking dance?
Oh no, what have I gotten my sweet baby boy mind into?
I don't deserve this! But also...
I kinda want it to happen.
Can I just stop by the way and ask... Does Sonic have titties? Is that what's happening to him right now?
Is that what's going on?
JACK: He's got titties and he's been drawn in mspaint.
GAME: "At least it was before I fucked everything up."
JACK: Is that-?!
Was that CJ from... San Andreas?
[CJ voice] The Grove...
[mumbling] this was before I fucked everything up.
[laughing]
Oh no Sonic, what has happened?
This is Sonic on pure LSD.
Sonic has left the building everybody!
Okay my god. I dunno if I'm crying from laughter or from sheer sorrow as to what happened to my childhood hero.
[through laughter] Oh no...
Oh, this is fucking awesome
Who needs to do drugs when you can just simulate them?
[laughing] "A Hideo Kajima Game"!
Oh no...
You look like you got some, like-- Aw, what's it called?
Non-newtonian fluid. It looks like that's what you're made out of.
"A sequel to Sonic Forces."
Just when I thought you couldn't get any better than that masterpiece, here we have the pinnacle
of video gaming. This is the best video games are ever gonna get, this is--
TAILS: Sonic, help me!
JACK: Tails! What are you doing around here you little fuck?
Okay, okay. Tails? This is very difficult.
Nevermind, it was the easiest thing I've ever done in my life.
Hey Tails, do you want some onion rings?
Aright, I don't-- I can't stay with tails cuz he sucks.
There we go Tails! You're doing your best.
Did I actually get rings for that? I think I did.
[shouts]
Okay, don't get me. Tails!
At least they're your rings and they're not mine. I don't know where you're getting these and who they belong to...
But are you ready to go? Oh my god. No, you look like a--
You look like some dude who is a, like, a pervert. Some sort of like weird pedophile who's out in a park.
Ogling kids as they're playing in the playground but you put on a weird fake...
TAILS: You're that Sonic from another dimension, aren't you?
JACK: But you put on some weird, like, fake mustache disguise to try and hide it.
It's not working, Tails. You still look like a pedophile.
Tails. Can you get the fuck out of my way?
I'm trying to have fun here!
I'm trying to, like, make things happen for me. Okay, I can't move anymore. I can't handle it. Oh, now you have fun!
That's great. I can't handle them anymore. All right Tails. Let's go.
This is... the Sonic that I know and love. Nothing about this is different or weird.
Let's just stand on this giant pepperoni slice.
And we made it. Oh my God.
Why? Why do I do this to myself right before I go to bed?
I'm gonna have the nightmares, guys! I'm gonna need someone to come in and let me suck their thumb. No!
No!!
How dare you?
I did, like, this sick side flip though.
Okay, just attack Tails.
Don't attack Sonic- Oh no...
KNUCKLES: Sonic is alive!
JACK: Knuckles!
"Sonic is alive." Oh Knuckles. What happened buddy?
Oh, this is just like a PSA for all the Sonic characters who did meth!
Don't do drugs, kids.
Seriously, all those other commercials that were like, "please don't do drugs"? They're really bad.
We don't like them. Those never really worked on me. This works on me. To see my childhood...
My childhood character heroes be reduced...
... to such slop!!
It's like they were characters before but now they're just puddles of their former selves. Alright, let's go. Let's go--
WAAAHAAHOOO!!
Who's chomping at the bit back there? Everybody keep up now. We got some serious stuff that we need to attend to.
This is the greatest thing I've ever done in my life, ma--
Whaaaat the fuck?!
Yo... Can I get in on this?
Whaaaat the fuck?!
Team Rocket's blasting off again!!
You know the episode of Sonic when they all got high on LSD?
And then forgot their childhood? This is that episode.
Oh no, it's the Eggman. Oh no, Sonic...
Oh, no. Oh no!
Knuckles!
Oh Tails-- Oh my God.
Oh my God...
I do not love my children. I wish I did-- What the--
It's a horror game all of a sudden! It's like you had your kids and everyone says children are beautiful.
Oh God, these children are not beautiful.
Come back here fat man.
Why?!
EGGMAN: You little-!
JACK: You little fuck!
Awww man, my RANGS!
Keep the head down, Sonic. You'll do great.
You're doing great sweetie!
EGGMAN: Don't get too excited boys!
JACK: Why? What happens if I get too excited?
Okay, let's do this. Let's do this. Let's turn him into a ham sandwich.
Okay, if I can!
Can you other piles of testicles do something? Instead of just making the "booOOOP" sound?
Here we go. Watch this. Watch this- Dead.
[gasp] I died!! Oh, it's okay. I'm fine. I have another life.
Aghh
God...fucking...
Damn it you guys. Yes, take that Eggboy! [laughing]
Oh, you look like a pimpled mess.
Fuck! ['Russian' accent] Hello. It me, Sonic. I am true hero.
[with accent] I saved day and now--
[normal voice] Did you just throw him into the ocean?!
[♪]
[silence]
[Distorted version of "Infinite" from Sonic Forces fades in]
[♪]
I did...
... play a game right now, right? Did I trip and fall in a big bag of cocaine or something?
What was that? What happened?!
I- I am going to write a very strongly worded letter to the person who made this game to ask for part of my life back.
I feel like I have been robbed of something.
I feel like I started the game with a soul and now at the end of it
I'm startin' to think that I didn't even know what a soul was to begin with.
So much time has passed since I start playing this game. I feel like I was born playing this game.
And now I'm at the end of my life staring into the tunnel...
... waiting for the white light to hit me and I can go off into Valhalla.
Need-- I need--
Something. I need a long hot bath and listen to some Celine Dion.
Some Kenny G as I kick up my feet and do Sudoku.
I don't know what I was expecting.
But what I got?
Was life-changing. So go out there today. Forget what you saw here. Let's never speak of this again.
Let's never talk about what happened to Sonic and his big saggy titties. Okay? Let's never speak of it ever again
it never happened, mums the word. Actually mum's not even a word. The secret code word for this episode is...
[whispering] It's nothing. It never happened, it never existed, it's gone...
[whispering] Like a whisper.
BYE!!!
(Outro - "I'm Everywhere" By Teknoaxe)
"Sonic Suggests."
Sonic suggests you never play this game and you go do something with your life.