- I'm just so tired of being penetrated.
(upbeat music)
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to another episode of "Hormone Diaries",
where I am documenting my experience,
mine and my partner's experience trying to conceive.
It's a journey.
But I'm really glad that you're liking the series so far,
that you are taking solace (chuckles)
in my experience of this journey.
And we're all kind of like sharing our experiences together.
It's honestly helping me. (chuckles)
Now, you're getting two "Hormone Diaries" episodes in a row,
'cause I kind of feel like this is the companion episode
to last week's,
where I was talking about having sex every other day
and then getting my blood tests.
And so I actually wanted to talk about how
to keep sex fun and sexy when you're trying to conceive.
And trying-
Trying to make it not seem
like a chore and something that you have to do.
This has come up a lot
and it's been a highly requested video.
So here we are.
So before I get into my experiences with this
and lessons learned and maybe some takeaways for you,
I just wanted to say that in the video from last week,
I was really dismissive
of the fertility awareness method
when it comes to using it as a contraceptive,
but I was ill-informed.
Basically since filming those clips,
'cause they were a couple of months ago now,
I have been trying
to do the fertility awareness method properly
and had a professional,
like, teach me through it.
And whew! Oh my goodness.
That is gonna be a whole future video
where I like look into all of the different,
like, fertility-awareness apps
and then like, the traditional,
like, paper method as well.
So we get into that in more detail.
And I'm not an expert on this and what this series is.
It's very much just my personal learning journey.
And oh boy, is it a learning curve?
I learned as much from you in the comments
as hopefully you take away from these videos as well.
And whilst I may know fuck all (chuckles) about fertility,
I do know some stuff about sex.
And that is what we are getting into in this video.
I know some stuff, some stuff.
So this isn't a list of prescriptive things,
like this is how you keep it fun and sexy.
This is what you should do,
and, like, that kind of advice.
This is more just, like,
things that have worked for us,
things that have helped,
and you know,
if we were having a chat in the pub, (chuckles)
this would be some of the stuff that I would share
with you in terms of things that have helped me.
And maybe they might help you or you may be-
You've just find it interesting,
'cause we're all a bunch of sex nerds here
and just curious about the whole thing.
So the first thing that's really helped us is understanding
about how desire works
and understanding of responsive desire.
Now, I have done a whole video about desire
and explaining spontaneous desire and responsive desire.
But the TLDR is that for lots of people,
perhaps most people,
desire isn't something that strikes out of nowhere
and actually it emerges in response to arousal.
And basically,
what that means is that Dan and I know
that we probably should have sex
because we're in my fertile window
but neither of us in the mood.
We have an understanding
that perhaps we could like start kissing,
cuddling, like doing some sexy things,
and then we will get into the mood,
like the desire will emerge.
And so that is a really useful thing to know,
because not being in the mood
doesn't stop us from having sex.
And we can still like have a good time
because we know just to kinda like take things slow
and just kind of like be willing to see what happens.
Now I recently read this book,
"Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again" by Katherine Angel.
And she takes a really interesting look
at responsive desire.
And I just want to address that here
which is that it could be used for bad.
Basically the system,
the model of responsible desire could really be abused
because, oh, you're not in the mood.
Oh, don't worry.
I can get you in the mood, right?
It does have the potential to be abused
by people who want to push your boundaries,
who wants to disregard your boundaries entirely.
And I think it's really important to be aware of that.
And one of the things
that Dan and I really try to tune into is
are we not in the mood
but there's an open willingness
to try and get in the mood
or are we not in the mood and not willing at all?
Because in those instances,
completely respect that,
even if it was like ovulation day,
even if it was like peak-fertility time
and we're just like I'm not in the mood.
And also, I really can't be fucked to get
into the mood as well.
So just be aware of that and,
like, really trying to tune into,
like, am I willing? (chuckles)
Because it's effort, right?
Sex can be effort like mentally,
and physically, and emotionally,
you're like putting a lot of work in.
And so even if you're not feeling the horn,
are you willing to like put in the effort
to get to that point?
If you are great, have a go.
If you're not,
then I think it's also important
when you're trying to conceive to let it go as well
to like not feel like you failed
because you like missed a window of opportunity.
You like missed your fertile window,
'cause you weren't in the mood.
That's happened a couple of times as well,
where like I really haven't been in a mood.
Like, we haven't had sex.
And then, I thought I might have,
like, missed the opportunity.
And I was like beating myself up about it.
But then I was like, no,
actually, like, it's better
that you didn't, like,
force yourself to have sex.
It's better to, like,
really kind of like,
stay true without being too cheesy,
to what I want and what I need,
and what Dan wants and needs,
and still putting us as individuals first,
rather than like putting this goal
of like conceiving a child first.
Does that make sense?
So that is the responsive desire piece.
Another thing that has really helped us is
to not forego other kinds
of intimacy when not in my fertile window.
And I think it can be really easy to fall
into the pattern of not even touching each other,
not even like treating each other like sexual beings.
And then as soon as that fertile window hits
for like a week,
week and a half or whatever your body is doing,
you're like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. (chuckles)
And then nothing again.
And for us it's been really important to make sure
that the intimacy is there all of the time
maybe not all of the time,
but throughout the cycle.
And it's not like a on switch
and then an off switch.
And included in this is really
to like expand our definition of sex.
Because when you're trying to conceive,
you can get really tired of penetration.
Oh, life is hard. (laughs)
I'm just so tired of being penetrated.
But there are all sorts of other kinds of sex acts
that don't involve penetration.
There may be don't even involve orgasm
because also, you know,
every sperm is sacred.
For me, I can have as many organisms as I like,
like really doesn't affect anything.
But yeah, making sure that you are intimate
and having sexual experiences,
maybe even having penetration,
sexual intercourse,
when you are not in your fertile window
because it helps you remember to be sexual
for pleasure's sake and for intimacy's sake
and for joy and connection and, like,
all of these things.
Because it can be so easy just to see sex
as this, like, one thing
that it's just the thing that you do
to try and get pregnant
rather than like all of the other things
which was why we were having sex in the first place
before we even started trying?
So yeah, don't forget that.
Another thing that is kind of related to responsive desire
is really unpacking the idea of enthusiastic consent.
Now, enthusiastic consent is so important.
It's still like a really great model
for consent of making sure
that everyone is really into it super enthusiastic.
♪ Alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic ♪
And just totally down for what's about to happen.
However, it is okay
to still consent
to sex non-enthusiastically,
which I'll admit is most of my experience
with sex at the moment.
And that is fine.
Just because you're not enthusiastically consenting
to something,
doesn't mean that consent isn't there,
doesn't mean that pleasure isn't able to be there,
doesn't mean that it can't be a fulfilling,
mutually-pleasurable,
consensual, sexual experience.
And whilst having sex where enthusiastic consent
is present is amazing,
I think when you're trying to conceive,
and in lots of other situations as well,
it doesn't need to be like put on the pedestal
of if you don't have this specific kind of consent,
then you can't have sex.
Then, it's not consensual, right?
Because the sex that I'm currently having,
definitely consensual,
are we enthusiastic about it all the time?
Not necessarily. (chuckles)
I forgot to mention when talking about intimacy
outside of your fertile window,
a concept that I came across from Dr. Karen Gurney's book,
"Mind the Gap" is sexual currency.
And it's about like sexual satisfaction in relationships
and how satisfaction doesn't come
from frequency of sex necessarily,
but from sexual currency.
So it's all of those moments
in between when you're not having sex,
when you're treating each other like sexual beings.
And I think when you're trying to conceive,
that it's also really important to have presence.
So it's flirting.
It's teasing.
It's groping someone's bum.
It's like that being a sexual undertone
to your interactions with each other
but just kind of like in normal day-to-day life,
like you're not in bed like getting ready to have sex.
You're just like interacting normally throughout your day.
So that's a really helpful thing
just to make sure that, you know,
the flirty vibes is still there
and the fun is still there.
And you're like, you're still like engaging with each other
in a sexual way with like no pressure to perform.
Oof, because that pressure to perform,
my friends-
So this next thing I wanna mention is very specific
to mine and Dan's situation,
our lives, our schedules, our preferences.
But I want to put it under this like umbrella
of advice to other people
of creating a bespoke solution. (chuckles)
Sounds very sales pitchy.
But having a bespoke strategy for how
and when you're going to try and conceive,
when you're gonna like have sex,
have the penetration,
something that works for you
as individuals in your relationship.
Like, I think we just assumed that,
oh, you just go to bed and you have sex
before you go to bed and then that's it, right?
Right? But one of the things that became an obstacle
for us was I like to go to bed early,
ideally at like 9:30.
And then I'll read for an hour.
And then I'll go to sleep at 10:30.
In Dan's dream scenario,
he stays up playing video games
until he comes to bed at like 11 or 12.
Now you might be thinking, hang on.
If that's your schedule,
then surely I'm asleep before Dan even gets to bed.
Correct. That does happen a lot.
And so we're like,
well, how the fuck do we schedule in time to have sex,
to try and have a baby?
And so we came up with our own bespoke solution.
Here we go with the sales pitch.
Subscribe now for your own bespoke,
trying-to-conceive, sexual-penetration solutions.
Yikes.
So our bespoke solution that we came up with
is that we'll go to bed at about nine,
we'll have sex,
and then Dan will leave and go play video games
for the rest of the evening.
And I'll stay in bed
and read my book for the rest of the evening.
Then, I'll go to sleep.
And then, Dan will eventually come to bed.
Great!
And on the surface,
you might think like,
oh my goodness, that's so like un-emotional,
like, well, he just had sex and then he just leaves.
And but I'm telling you,
it works for us.
Everyone is happy.
And I think sometimes we can get bogged down
with what our relationship might look like
from the outside and what other people might think.
But if whatever system you come up with
that works for you
and everyone is on board
and everyone is happy,
then go for it.
You know how I feel about sexy problem-solving?
Mm, mm, mm. We love it.
This next one goes without saying,
and it's kind of woven throughout all of this video
and that's communication.
Talk to each other.
How are you feeling?
It can be really difficult
but the way that I try and frame it,
which makes it easier for me to say things
that I think are gonna be like difficult to say,
or I'm nervous about saying to Dan
is really thinking of it is like we are a team
and we are currently working towards a shared goal.
And so obviously,
you want to communicate with your team
about, like, what is going on with the project (chuckles)
so that you can make the process easier,
better for everyone, right?
And whilst a lot of the communicating about it
has been quite serious from time to time.
So either the scheduling stuff
or like the kind of more emotional side of things
of when the fact that, you know,
we've been trying for a really long time now
and we've not had any success yet.
You know, when that can get you emotionally as well.
Like, being able to, like, communicate
about that when you're, like, feeling quite low.
So there's that serious component to it.
But then also being able to joke about it.
This has been so good for us
and has really helped it not feel like a chore.
The way that has worked for us is to joke
about it being a chore.
So it will just be like things like,
oh, we should probably have sex tonight.
And just like, ugh, not again.
And just like little moments like that
that we know neither of us mean.
And that are funny and like joking about (giggles)
like having sex with your spouse being really difficult.
And actually like putting a voice to that
because it just helps, like, get it out
and, like, say the unsaid.
Because there might be a little bit of truth to it
where you are like, ugh, not again.
But being able to actually say it out loud can really help.
It can also then help us lead
into a more serious conversation where we're like,
no, actually I am feeling a bit like, ugh, not again.
So it just really helps.
I love joking about things.
It might not work for some people.
But for us and our dynamic,
being able to take the piss out of the situation
and out of each other-
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
So those are some of the things that I've learned
over the last nine months of trying to conceive
of keeping the sex sexy and fun, you know?
I hope that some of the things
that I've mentioned here have helped you
if you're also on your own fertility journey.
If you have any of your own tips and advice
and like things that have worked for you
that I haven't mentioned here,
please feel free to leave them in the comments,
if you'd like to.
And if none of this applies to you
and you're just here because you're curious about sex,
then I love that.
I hope you enjoyed this video. (chuckles)
I hope you all enjoyed this video.
Thank you so much for watching
and I'll see you in my next one.
Bye!
(upbeat music)