Multiple request for this particular topic coming from you, the viewers of Live On Purpose
TV.
How to handle kids fighting?
That's right.
At the top of the list and we're taking that on today.
I've got several tips for you today.
Let's start out with an acknowledgement that fighting is potentially dangerous.
now, usually it's not.
Usually it's just noise.
But there are times when people can get hurt from fighting.
As we acknowledge this particular issue, please intervene and stop the fight before someone
gets hurt.
Now, that maybe can go without saying.
But I just want to acknowledge that there are times as a parent, when you hit to get
in and brake things up.
Let's not let this escalate to the point where people are actually getting hurt.
Now, a little caveat about that or side note.
If you're driving, please pull over first.
There are far too many tragic stories about mom or dad leaning over the driver seat and
telling kids to stop fighting.
Just pull the car over.
Let's be safe about this too.
And that will give you an extra opportunity to do some teaching that this is more important
to them whatever it is that you're heading right now.
Pull over.
Take care of it then.
Now, let's get you some practical tips on how to handle the fighting.
First and foremost, keep your own cool.
When you get tipped over and you joined in the fight, you're making it worst.
I know this can be really frustrating thing because when your kids are fighting, it's
really easy for you to get triggered and jump in to fight mode yourself.
I think the other tips that we shared with you on today's video will help with this one.
I just want to reiterate the importance of keeping your own cool.
And we have a lot of other videos here on the positive parenting playlist that will
help you with that as well.
Let's visit the philosophy really quickly.
Think, not fight.
We want to invite our kids to do the thinking.
And every interaction we have with our kids will invite them to do one of those 2.
Either think or fight.
We want them to think they're currently fighting.
So, to change that dynamic up, sometimes you have to buy some time.
This is where you let them know after you've intervene and broken them up.
Now it's time to address the fighting.
Sometimes it's a good idea to tell them, you know what?
We're going to talk about this a little later.
This puts you in a great position as a parent.
Because while they're waiting for the discussion, what are they doing?
Well, hopefully they're doing some thinking.
So, you might suggest, we're going to talk about this right after dinner or we'll discuss
this tomorrow before you go to school or whatever.
But buy a little bit of time.
Put a little distance between the heated emotion of the fight and the processing of it where
we encourage the learning to happen.
This also allows you as a parent to gather your resources.
Come up with some ideas, formulate some consequences.
If you get sucked in to a fight, you're probably not thinking.
So, by the time that you're going to need also to think it through.
You know what? you can also, use me as an excuse.
You might say, "You know what?
We're going to talk about this right after I have a chance to look at some of Dr. Paul's
videos and get some good ideas about how to handle it."
That is such a great thing to use with your kids because if they know that you're thinking,
they are more encourage to think as well.
And that's going to solve a whole lot of stuff.
I want to officially go on the record right now to saying that you should be fair with
all of your children.
They're going to ask you to do this too, right?
To be fair.
However, fair does not mean that you treat them all the same.
In fact that wouldn't be fair.
Because they're not all at the same level, are they?
They're at different ages, they're at different stages and that's even more important.
Remember on the videos here on the channel...
Or if you haven't checked it out yet, please do.
Where we talk about 3 stages of moral development.
If you haven't had a chance to learn about those 3 stages yet, please pull up the video
called "Teaching children responisbility."
Here on the channel on the positive parenting playlist and you'll get a good overview of
those stages.
Children at different stages have to be handled differently because of what they need according
to their own moral development.
It's fair and right and appropriate for you to treat your children differently.
So, when I said be fair with all of your children, I didn't mean treat them all the same.
I think of more accurate way to say that is treat them all appropriately according to
their own stage of moral development.
That freeze you up as a parent to handle 2 children who are fighting in very different
ways but both being treated fairly.
Now, little caution: Avoid negative comparisons.
If you have an older child and the younger child that you're dealing with at the same
time, I would caution you against saying something like, "Well, you're older.
You should've known better."
Or "You're such a trouble maker."
Negative labels, negative comparisons don't serve us well as we're teaching our children
to advance in their own moral responsibility.
That's a little caution for us to watch out for those.
Now, let's slip in to detective mode from a moment.
When you're children are fighting, there's usually something that happened just before
the fight.
In fact, you know what?
One of my favorite questions.
When my kids would come to me and they'd say, "Daddy, he hit me."
I would always ask, "What happened just before he hit you?"
Now, that's a pretty good question.
They won't always give you accurate information about this.
But it's relevant and important, isn't it?
As you become more observant in your parenting, you'll start to notice what's happening just
before the fight.
Here's a common example: One child is playing with a toy.
Another child comes over, takes the toy from that child.
And then the fight erupts.
Sound familiar? this happens all the time.
If you as a parent didn't see the child come in and steal toy away, you might incorrectly
assume that the child who's retaliating started the fight.
This is also a scenario where kids can learn that they can get what they want through fighting.
So, pay attention as a parent and see if you can determine what happened just before the
fight erupted.
And that will inform you better as to what kinds of consequences would be appropriate
or what kind of intervention is going to help the most.
Let's back off for just a little bit to get a bigger perspective.
Fighting is something that bothers you as a parent.
Why?
Because you have a sense of how you want your family to operate.
Your family culture, the family rules, the family expectations.
Sometimes our kids are not as aware of what those rules and expectations are.
So, as we wrap up today's segment, let's take a look at what our family rules that values,
expectations are.
And make those very clear.
In fact, you might want to even print these up and put them on the wall.
So everyone can see them.
Where you can refer to them as a family.There's 3 that I'm going to suggest.
And this covers pretty much everything that you could be concerned about.
Rule number 1, respect your self and others.
This has to do with how we treat each others.
So, fighting, obviously is a violation of rule number 1.
But so is negative self talk.
And as we talk about and use this family rules in our discussions and family, they become
more familiar to our children.
And then that can become part of the language we use as we process or intervene with the
fights that can sometimes erupt.
Here's rule number 2.
Respect property.
So, think that back to the example that I just gave you.
A child is playing with a toy, another child comes in, steals the toy.
That's not respecting property.
It's not respecting the sibling either.
But the property part also goes to taking care of things.
Putting things where they belong.
Refraining from things like vandalism or clutter.
So, that helps to cover a lot of things as well.
Now, you might think that we've got it all covered.
Respect people, respect property.
What else do you want?
Well, I'll throw in this 3rd one just for you.
Okay?
Cooperate and obey.
And this is a catch all.
Because if we missed anything in the first 2, this will pick them up.
We instill this into our family culture where there's an expectation to cooperate with anyone
who's asking you to do something that's right and reasonable.
And you will obey those who are in authority over you.
First and foremost, parents.
But also people like teachers, police officers.
Other people who might have authority.
That's where the obey part comes in.
Does that get you thinking?
I hope that you share this videos with other parents that you know.
A community of conscious parents is what we need to solve most of the problems in this
world.
We've got some resources for you to support you in in that important job.
Check out ParentingPowerUp.com where Vicki and I have put together a whole bunch of resources
for you to be a more conscious parent.