On the heel, on the heel!
I love him.
I love you too, honey.
People with intellectual disabilities are often
not allowed to express themselves sexually.
That’s a violation of their rights.
This is me when I was one year old.
I was a happy little baby.
No hair.
I was bold.
When Paul was born,
we both didn’t have a lot of experience in developmental milestones.
And I noticed that Paul is kind of slow in talking.
We made an appointment with a developmental specialist,
and she evaluated him for one session for like an hour,
and she said “I can tell you right now, he’s mentally retarded”.
"He’s retarded", that’s what she said, as plain as that.
The whole family was pretty devastated from that point.
I knew from an early point on that
there was a lot going on in Hava’s head.
But she did not have the ability to communicate.
So academically, she’s pre-school.
However socially, she’s pretty much on age level.
(Paul and Hava performing fiddler on the roof on stage.)
I received a phone call one day from
Hava’s mom, Bonnie Samuels.
And she said: hi, my daughter and your son go to program together,
and we’re going to the dinner dance at a bicycle club,
Hava would like to invite Paul as her date.
Does he have a sports jacket?
And then they just went from there.
I thought well this will be nice, you know,
He’ll have a little girlfriend and somebody to do things with
on the holidays or whatever
and not really thinking that it was going to turn into
a lifelong relationship but they were serious about each other.
Honey, I want to
I want to...
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I love you,
will you be my wife?
I have tears of happiness seeing Hava walking down,
walking down the aisle with her mother and with her father.
She’s so beautiful in her wedding dress, so beautiful.
And I couldn’t wait to take the veil off and kiss her.
It was a magical day.
After they were married, they lived in separate group homes,
which was a terrible challenge.
Not...Not happy.
We were not happy not living together,
I was sad, I was crying in my eyes, and lonely.
Both group homes, were very much against having a married couple in their group home.
They say here that,
“Married couples who experience developmental disabilities, generally live on their own,
in their own home, being capable of independent employment and financial independence.
Not to mention the capacity to independently co-exist.”
So this is a way of their saying Paul and Hava just aren't smart enough
to be able to be married and live together.
They would spend usually weekend at one parent's house or the other.
So they could be together all day and all night.
And then we take them home Sunday night.
Paul would always say I'm so sad, dad, I'm very sad.
It became very common for us to tell Hava and Paul,
"we're working on it, we're working on it.”
It took a long time.
They said, “we were working on it”
Yeah.
“A pair of Long Island newlyweds fighting to be together.
The new husband and wife both live with mental disabilities, and they say the group home[s]
where they live won’t let them live together.
And now they’re challenging those rules in a lawsuit that could change the shape
of these cases going forward.”
Marriage is a civil right, and they are mandated to uphold everyone's civil rights.
They had to find a way that would be what would seem to be legitimate.
And really, the only thing they could come up with was their inability to give consent
to sexual activity.
Many group homes are hesistant to address the issue of sexuality because of the liability.
There’s the fear, what’s gonna happen?
People with intellectual disabilities are most vulnerable when it comes to sexual abuse.
Maybe they will have a child.
And what if they do?
We can provide supports that can help them to raise that child.
Some group homes will avoid the issue, so instead of dealing with it
and going through all the what it takes,
then it’s better to just not deal with it.
But then you’re violating their rights.
Paul and Hava were recommended to YAI, and they came to YAI.
We provide services that help people with intellectual disabilities
to realize their sexuality all throughout life.
So it includes identity, includes puberty, includes sexual consent, sexual activity, marriage.
Our job is to find out how we can help this person to become consenting,
to ensure that sexual rights are not being violated.
Today we gonna talk about consent, what is it, how important it is for you to talk about
what you don’t…
If you don’t like something, you should be saying that you don’t like it.
It’s ok not like to be hugged.
You don’t have to be ashamed about it.
Absolutely right!
Did you guys hear what Rachel said?
So we’re gonna look at a scenario, and I’m gonna ask you guys what you think.
“What are you doing?”
“I wanted to touch you a little because I want to have sex with you.”
“I'm not in the mood tonight.”
OK, is it ok for her to tell her boo that she’s not in the mood right now?
Yes it is!
She has every right to say no i don’t want to be touched right now.
People thought that if you have an intellectual disability,
it automatically meant that you were not consenting.
That's not the case.
We have assisted, and since learned and there have been court cases,
that people with intellectual disability can give consent.
In New York State, you need to prove that you are able to give consent.
This is what the actual tool looks like.
So what the tool is assessing for is the person’s awareness of the nature of the sexual act.
The person’s understanding that certain sexual activities are against law.
The person’s understanding of how to prevent unwanted pregnancy?
Using a condom and also SDIs.
And then the person’s understanding in being at risk at a potentially abusive sexual situation.
Recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of them and knowing what to do.
We're assessing to see the knowledge that you have.
And if they don't have the knowledge, then we want to know so we can provide the education.
And Paul and Hava are great examples.
They receive sexuality education.
And were found to be consenting.
OPWDD which is the state agency, decided that they would help us
by putting out an alert to see if anyone is willing to house a married couple.
End disabilities, who had an empty apartment said,
Well, we'll give, you know, we’ll give a married couple a try.
Me and Hava love living here now.
Yeah, better, my base.
What's today? The 15th?
15th!
People are nice to me.
Us.
Happy now.
Me and Hava very happy that we’re living together.
I usually will get notices about people with intellectual disabilities being married.
But invariably, those couples all are higher-functioning than Paul and Hava in that they’re
able to live independently.
They’re not dependent upon a group home to assist them with daily task of living,
so it is different.
I think it’s important for people to know that if you’re married with an intellectual disability,
it's not necessarily someone that can live on their own,
but you can still have a loving relationship.
It's important to let every individual,
whether it's somebody who is hard of hearing, somebody who is blind,
allowed to grow as much as they possibly can,
to become as independent as they can,
I think that's what life is.
I think that's what we're here for.