WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- THIS IS MOMENTOUS.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: TODAY IS MOMENTOUS, JON.
NOT EVERY DAY CAN WE SAY THAT WE AS A PEOPLE HAVE WITNESSED
HISTORY.
BUT TODAY IS TRULY AN HISTORIC DAY IN WASHINGTON, BECAUSE THE
NATIONALS WON THE WORLD SERIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT.
DESPITE THE GAME BEING ON THE ROAD, NATIONAL FANS GATHERED IN
THEIR HOME BALLPARK TO CELEBRATE, INCLUDING THIS GUY --
>> THIS IS HUGE FOR D.C.
D.C. NEEDED THIS.
WE GOT SOME ( BLEEP ) IN THE ( BLEEP ) WHITE HOUSE.
>> OH, OH, OHHH, NO, NO, NO.
>> STEPHEN: (AS REPORTER) "OH, OH, OHHH, NO, NO, NO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD FOR YOU!
YEAH!
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: WHAT DID THIS REPORTER THINK WAS GOING TO
HAPPEN?
SHE'S INTERVIEWING DRUNK FANS.
DID SHE EXPECT A COGENT RESPONSE?
(AS DRUNK GUY) "WHILE I'M HAPPY, THIS VICTORY
IS SOMEWHAT TARNISHED BY THE CLOUD OF IMPEACHMENT HANGING
OVER THIS GREAT NATION.
IF WE ACCEPT THE LOWERING OF CONSTITUTIONAL STANDARDS,
AMERICA WILL CEASE TO BE A SHINING BEACON OF LIBERTY.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO PUKE INTO A STORM DRAIN!
GO NATS!
GO--" (VOMITS)
WHOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GO NATS!
(VOMITS) >> Jon: HE LET IT ALL OUT.
HE COULDN'T HOLD IT.
>> Stephen: WHOO!
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THAT "FELLOW" MAY NOT
IN THE "LOVEMAKING" WHITE HOUSE MUCH LONGER BECAUSE TODAY, THE
HOUSE VOTED TO FORMALIZE THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
IT RAINETH EVERY DAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE ONE STEP CLOSER TO GETTING
TRUMP OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE AND SENDING HIM HOME TO NEW YORK
CIT-- OH.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) QUICK!
QUICK!
SOMEONE LOCK THE LINCOLN TUNNEL AND TURN OUT THE LIGHTS!
LAUGH EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR!
WE'RE NOT HOME!
( LAUGHTER ) THE RESOLUTION WAS LED BY HOUSE
SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI, WHO IS MY GUEST TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SHOULD HAVE TONIGHT'S SHOW SENT TO THE SMITHSONIAN, NATIONAL
TREASURES RIGHT BETWEEN ABE LINCOLN'S HAT
AND BEN FRANKLIN'S CODPIECE.
THE VOTE TOOK PLACE ON HALLOWEEN, WHICH IS WHY WE'RE
CALLING TONIGHT'S EPISODE -- >> NANCY PE-GHOSTY'S HAUNTED
HOUSE SCREAM-PEACHMENT SIN-QUIRY INTO THE PRESIDENT'S QUID PRO
CROW WITH BOO-KRAINE!
>> WITCH HUNT!
>> Stephen: WHOO!
WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO!
THE RESOLUTION PASSED BY A VOTE OF 232 TO 196 WITH ZERO
REPUBLICAN VOTES.
( BOOING ) NOW, ARE THEY JUST COMPLAINING
ABOUT PROCESS, OR ARE THEY REALLY SO LACKING ANY HONOR THAT
THEY ARE WILLING TO PUBLICLY STATE THAT BLACKMAILING A
FOREIGN GOVERNMENT TO INTERFERE IN OUR ELECTION IS OKAY?
>> WILL YOU ALL GO ON RECORD TO SAY THAT THE PRESIDENT DID
NOTHING INAPPROPRIATE?
>> YES, YES.
>> VERY CLEAR, YES.
>> STEPHEN: "FOLLOW UP-- THE TITANIC JUST HIT AN ICEBERG.
THE CAPTAIN IS SAYING, 'IT WAS A PERFECT ICEBERG, NOW WE CAN ALL
MAKE SLURPEES FOR EVERYONE,' AND HE'S ASKING YOU TO HANDCUFF
YOURSELF TO THE PORTSIDE RAIL AND SWALLOW THE KEYS.
ARE YOU ALL WILLING TO DO THAT?" >> YES, YES.
>> VERY CLEAR, YES.
>> STEPHEN: GOOD TO KNOW.
WHILE DEBATING THE RESOLUTION, BOTH SIDES USED VISUAL AIDS, SO
YOU CAN TELL WHOSE SIDE THEY WERE ON.
CONGRESSMAN STEVE SCALISE'S POSTER WAS THERE TO UNDERLINE
HIS CENTRAL MESSAGE.
>> THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED.
IT'S NOT ONLY UNPRECEDENTED, THIS IS SOVIET-STYLE RULES.
>> STEPHEN: AH, YES, THE CLASSIC SOVIET-STYLE RULES FOR
IMPEACHING THEIR LEADER.
REMEMBER, STALIN WAS IN POWER ONLY 30 YEARS WHEN HE WAS
IMPEACHED BY DYING.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE VOTE TODAY ALSO DID NOT SIT
WELL WITH REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN AND MAN WHO LEARNED TO SMILE
FROM A SERIES OF STILL PICTURES, DEVON NUNES.
NUNES THINKS HE KNOWS WHAT'S FUELING ADAM SCHIFF AND THE
DEMOCRATS.
>> WHAT WE'RE SEEING AMONG DEMOCRATS ON THE INTELLIGENCE
COMMITTEE DOWN IN THE SCIF RIGHT NOW IS LIKE A CULT.
THESE ARE A GROUP OF PEOPLE LOYALLY FOLLOWING THEIR LEADER
AS HE BOUNCES FROM ONE OUTLANDISH CONSPIRACY THEORY TO
ANOTHER.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
WOW.
THAT IS THE POT SAYING THE KETTLE WAS BORN IN KENYA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE RESOLUTION LAYS OUT THE RULES FOR THE INQUIRY MOVING
FORWARD, THE BIG ONE BEING THAT IT NOW ALLOWS "FOR THE
PARTICIPATION OF THE PRESIDENT AND HIS COUNSEL."
PLEASE BE RUDY, PLEASE BE RUDY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OR THE PRESIDENT.
HE'S ALLOWED TO BE THERE FOR THE.
HEARINGS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE PRESIDENT TRUMP BEING IN THE ROOM?
(AS TRUMP) "OBJECTION!
I AM NOT THAT BOY'S FATHER!
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SORRY, WHAT AM I ACCUSED OF
TODAY?"çó I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THE VOTE WAS OVER, THE
NATIONAL REPUBLICAN CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE THOUGHT;
WACKY POLITICAL PRANK, SO THEY SENT SOME DEMOCRATS "MOVING
BOXES."
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF YOUR
OFFICES BECAUSE OF THIS VOTE.
BUT BECAUSE THE BOXES LOOKED LIKE SUSPICIOUS PACKAGES,
CAPITOL POLICE WERE CALLED TO INVESTIGATE.
GUYS, PRANKS SHOULD BE ORIGINAL AND CLEVER.
YOU'VE GOT TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX.
YOU JUST THOUGHT "BOX."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ALL THESE G.O.P. CONGRESS
MEN HAVE A SMALL PROBLEM OTHER THAN BEING ON THE TERROR WATCH
LIST NOW.
IT'S -- WHAT'S THE WORD -- EVIDENCE.
WE KEEP GETTING MORE OF IT.
TODAY, WE LEARNED THAT RIGHT AFTER TRUMP HUNG UP HIS PERFECT
PHONE CALL, ONE PERSON LISTENING IN, LIEUTENANT COLONEL ALEXANDER
VINDMAN, FILED A COMPLAINT WITH A WHITE HOUSE LAWYER.
THAT LAWYER SAW THE THREAT, SPRUNG INTO ACTION, AND HID THE
TRANSCRIPT ON A CLASSIFIED SERVER.
AND IT'S A COVER-UP!
LET'S TELL HIM WHAT HE'S WON.
AN ALL-YOU-CAN-TELEVISE IMPEACHMENT HEARING!
A TRIAL IN THE WORLD-FAMOUS CAPITAL BUILDING!
AND, A FREE HELICOPTER RIDE OUT OF WASHINGTON, ON MARINE ONE.
"MARINE ONE: RIDE AWAY IN SHAME IN STYLE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT SECOND TIME IS ALWAYS A GOOD ONE.
( PIANO RIFF ) THIS SECRET SERVER THE
TRANSCRIPT GOT STUFFED IN IS KNOWN AS "NICE," WHICH STANDS
FOR N.S.C. INTELLIGENCE COLLABORATION ENVIRONMENT.
YOU CAN'T MAKE THE FIRST LETTER OF AN ACRONYM REPRESENT ANOTHER
ACRONYM.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHAT I CALL "FAVS."
WHICH STANDS FOR "FUBAR," "AND," "VERY," "STUPID."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ACRONYM.
I'VE GOT TO DO ACRONYM LATER.
I GOTCHA.
GETTING IMPEACHED IS STRESSFUL, SO, ON TUESDAY, TRUMP BLEW OFF A
LITTLE STEAM AT A PRIVATE FUNDRAISER, WHERE HOUSE
REPUBLICANS WHO RAKED IN THE MOST MONEY GOT A LITTLE EXTRA
REWARD: A ROAST FROM PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP.
MAY NOT SOUND THAT FUN, BUT IT BROUGHT IN WAY MORE CASH THAN
STEPHEN MILLER'S KISSING BOOTH.
( LAUGHTER ) UNHINGE HIS JAW, SWALLOW YOUR
WHOLE HEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) IN PARTICULAR, TRUMP SINGLED OUT
REPRESENTATIVE STEVE SCALISE, WHO AS YOU MIGHT RECALL, WAS
SHOT AT A CONGRESSIONAL SOFTBALL GAME A COUPLE OF YEARS BACK.
SO, RIPE FOR ROASTING.
TRUMP TOLD A STORY ABOUT SCALISE'S WIFE, WHO HE SAID,
"CRIED HER EYES OUT WHEN I MET HER AT THE HOSPITAL THAT FATEFUL
DAY.
I MEAN, NOT MANY WIVES WOULD REACT THAT WAY TO TRAGEDY.
I KNOW MINE WOULDN'T."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
(AS TRUMP) "THE JOKE IS: MY WIFE HATES MY
GUTS.
WE'RE IN A TOTALLY LOVELESS MARRIAGE.
SHE'D LEAVE ME BUT SHE'S AFRAID I'D DEPORT HER.
WOMEN, AM I RIGHT?
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
OH WAIT, SHE'S NOT HERE."