We begin this pathway of opening to vulnerability
by having that as our intention, that it's conscious; that the next time you're with
somebody that matters to you, there's something in you that goes: 'Oh yeah,
to be real, this might involve a little bit of rawness,
a little bit of discomfort, embarrassment, whatever... vulnerability.
When I first met my husband, when I first met Jonathan, I was
really really physically active; I'd be running five days a week, I'd go for runs and so on, I was
you know, just very... I was pretty athletic and so on.
Within two years of being together,
I started getting sicker and sicker and, two years in, I was so sick that I was
unable to do most physical activities - a lot of our bonding came around, you know,
boogie-boarding in the ocean and biking and hiking and so on, and
I mean I couldn't even walk up an incline, I was getting very immobilized, I have a
connective tissue disorder and I'm actually a lot better now
but I hit a really bad downward spiral that actually lasted about six years...
So there I was, a couple of years into this new relationship,
and I wasn't the woman he'd married, so to speak, you know,
it was very evident to me that I wasn't going to pull out quickly,
and I remember after one particular time where we had been away
really really dropping into depression, feeling,
you know, so much of what I loved in life I was deprived of and so on
and so I kind of withdrew into myself and pulled away from him and kind of distanced from him, and
we'd have conversations about what was going on and he would try to offer really good advice
and that of course the fixing made me insanely judgmental
and so I'd get down on him and then down on myself...
so it was a really difficult period. So I remember
at one point being on a, we have a hammock, and I was swinging on it and I was
recognizing how cutoff I felt and depressed and the self judgment,
and that you'll notice RAIN, which is really tea with Mara,
it's like recognizing what's happening, 'I see you Mara',
letting it be there and then having tea, really investigating and nurturing.
Those of you that are unfamiliar, RAIN is an acronym
that really helps us have tea with Mara, you know? RAIN, the recognizing, is you just get it
- I got it from myself with recognizing okay, depression; self judgement; distancing...
and then the A of RAIN is allow; just let it be there.
And I realized I needed to stay.
I felt bad enough that it wasn't working to do my control strategy of
withdraw or judge or anything I needed to stay;
so then I began to investigate, that's the I of RAIN,
that's when we're really having tea it's like, if you're getting to know a friend,
you start saying, okay what's really going on?
So I started asking myself that and what I found out in investigating
is that I was really ashamed of being sick, that in some way it made me feel like I was
less than, that something was really wrong with me as a human that I was sick
I wasn't doing sickness well, and I also felt this vulnerability that
I was no longer an attractive, appealing mate, I was no fun
I was the opposite of fun, I was really a drag, you know?
So in the investigating, I got in touch with really the
essence of Mara for me at those moments was the feeling of vulnerability and
fear that I'd be rejected, from this man I loved, that I was gonna be rejected...
So that had that quality of 'ouch'; it was real suffering
and then I asked a question I often ask to get to the N of RAIN, which is nurturing,
which is: 'How does this place want me to be with it?' and
clearly what this part of me that was feeling ashamed and vulnerable needed
was me to offer care inside, so I got my hand on my heart and I do what I often do which is:
'It's okay, sweetheart' you know, just a real kindness and
just sensing loving energy from inside and around me just washing through me...
The more - and this is a comment - the more you get in touch of the suffering
the more powerful the nurturing.
In other words if you really contact the vulnerability,
you'll find that you can then be very nurturing, and I was feeling a lot of vulnerability.
So the more that I offered care, the more there was a sense of space
and tenderness, and rather than being caught in that vulnerable,
rejectable self, I had kind of reopened to a spacious presence
that was kind-hearted towards myself and
I knew I needed to then share with Jonathan what was going on,
but that brought up a wave of real vulnerability
and it took probably in my whole life it was one of the most courageous things for me
to be willing to stay with that vulnerability and share with him this is what's happening
and of course what it did is when one person is vulnerable,
the other person is free to be able to express from their vulnerability,
so he could then share how powerless he felt and how scared he felt,
you know, and how hard it was to love me but not be able to help me and
it was probably one of the deepest bonding experiences we've had
which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been willing to have tea with Mara,
be with that vulnerability.
So for me it was one of the most powerful teachings about
the pathway to love is being willing to stay with the vulnerability
and we got married soon after,
and we built into our wedding ceremony
you know, vows that had to do with being real in that way,
and I'll read you, one was a quote from Rilke,
and it says: 'I want to unfold
that no place in me hold itself closed
for where I am closed, I am false
I want to stay clear in your sight.'
[bells]