>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND AND JON BATISTE!
>> Jon: HEY!
HEY!
>> Stephen: HEY, JON, JON, REAL QUICK.
WE HAVE A LOT OF STUFF TO DO TONIGHT, BEFORE I GET TO THAT, I
JUST WANT TO TAKE A MINUTE TO THANK MR. STEVE MARTIN FOR
STOPPING BY TO DO THAT OPENING WITH US.
>> Jon: MAN!
>> Stephen: ALWAYS AN HONOR.
>> Jon: STEVE IS THE MAN.
>> Stephen: A LIFETIME COMEDIC HERO OF MINE, AND THAT MASTER
CLASS IN COMEDY THAT HE'S DOING IS REAL.
WHAT DO YOU GO TO masterclass.com.
$90, LIFETIME-- LIFETIME ACCESS.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S LIFETIME OR STEVE'S LIFETIME BUT IT'S
LIFETIME.
>> Jon: THAT'S IMPORTANT TO FIGURE OUT.
SOMEBODY HAS TO FIGURE IT OUT.
STEVE AND MARTIN SHORT ARE TOURING "AN EVENING YOU WILL
FORGET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."
THEY'RE GOING TO TOUR 40 CITIES.
FOR INFO GO TO stevemartin.com.
CHECK THAT OUT.
NOW, ONE OTHER THING-- I WOULD GO SEE THAT IF SOMEONE WILL GET
ME SOME TICKETS.
JON, I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST IN THE BAND
TONIGHT?
WHO DO YOU HAVE OVER THERE?
>> Jon: YES, WE'VE GOT THE ROCK 'N' ROLL HALL OF FAMER WITH
THE BAND JOURNEY, NEAL SCHON.
>> Stephen: WELCOME, NEAL.
>> THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU AND THE LADS, AS WE CALL YOU, ARE BEING
INDUCTED INTO THE ROCK 'N' ROLL HALL OF FAME THIS FRIDAY?
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S FANTASTIC.
CONGRATULATIONS.
HAVE A GREAT CONCERT AND SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: NEXT WEEK YOU HAVE TO PAY YOUR TAXES.
YOU PAYING YOUR TAXES THIS YEAR?
I'M THINKING OF TRYING IT.
BECAUSE TAX TIME IS HERE, IT'S SOMETHING IN AMERICA THAT
EVERYONE HAS T IN AMERICA WHO ISN'T THE PRESIDENT HAS TO DO.
FOR MY TRAINING I SAT DOWN WITH 27-YEAR VETERAN AND DIRECTOR OF
H&R BLOCK, BRUCE DESMOND.
WHAT IS H&R BLOCK?
>> WE'RE THE NUMBER ONE TAX FIRM IN THE COUNTRY.
WE DO MORE TAX RETURNS THAN ANYBODY ELSE.
>> Stephen: I BLACKED OUT THERE.
WHEN YOU SAID TAX RETURNS, WHAT DOES H&R BLOCK DO?
>> WE PREPARE TAX RETURNS.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES "H" AND "R" STAND FOR?
HUGE REPERCUSSIONS?
>> THE COMPANY WAS FOUNDED BY TWO BROTHERS, HEN EXPREE
RICHARD.
>> Stephen: AND WHAT DOES THE "H" AND "R" STAND FOR?
>> THE "H" IS FOR HENRY, THE "R" IS FOR RICHARD.
>> Stephen: WHAT DREW YOU TO HELP PEOPLE WITH TAXES?
WAS IT THE LIFESTYLE.
>> Stephen: NO.
>> Stephen: TELL ME ABOUT THE LIFESTYLE?
>> YOU LOOK AT A LOT OF DOCUMENTS.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> AND A LOT OF NUMBERS.
>> Stephen: AND THEN AFTERWARDS?
THE PARTIES?
>> NO PARTY S.
>> Stephen: NO PARTIES?
NO PARTIES, BRUCE?
NO PARTIES AT ALL?
THERE ARE NO PARTIES?
>> DURING THE TAX SEASON, NO PARTY S.
>> Stephen: WHEN TAX SEASON IS OVER, THOUGH, IT'S JUST A
FLESH PIT IN THERE, RIGHT?
IT'S JUST LIKE FOAM-- ONE OF THOSE FOAM PITS.
>> UH-HUH, NO, WE TEND TO BE MORE CONSERVATIVE, I BELIEVE.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE THE RULES ABOUT SLEEPING WITH CLIENTS?
>> NOT ALLOWED.
>> Stephen: NOT ALLOWED OR FROWNED UPON?
>> I WOULD HAVE TO ASK OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT THAT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A CLIENT?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE UNDER OATH.
I REMIND YOU, YOU'RE UNDER OATH.
>> I'M 30 YEARS MARRY GLD WELL, I DIDN'T ASK THAT, BRUCE.
DIDN'T ASK THAT.
OKAY.
ARE WE ALLOWED TO EVEN DATE THE PEOPLE THAT WE'RE HELPING?
>> UH, I WOULD HAVE TO CHECK WITH OUR HR DEPARTME DEPARTMENT
>> Stephen: PLEASE DO, CHECK WITH HENRY AND RICHARD.
I'M SOMEONE, WHAT'S FIRST THING YOU ASK ME.
LET'S TRY THAT.
HELLO, I NEED HELP WITH MY TAXES?
>> WELCOME TO H&R BLOCK.
>> Stephen: HAPPY TO BE HERE.
>> I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A FEW QELZ.
>> PLEASE.
>> Stephe.ARE YOU SINGLE?
ARE YOU MARRIED?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I'M FLATTERED.
HOWEVER, MY UNDERSTANDING WAS YOU GUYS COULDN'T SLEEP WITH
YOUR CLIENTS.
>> WELL -- >> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING I'M
NOT FEELING IT.
I'M FEELING WHAT YOU'RE FEELING.
I'M NOT SAYING THERE'S NO ELECTRICITY IN THIS ROOM RIGHT
NOW, BUT LET'S JUST STAY FOCUSED ON MY TAXES AND NOT MY
RELATIONSHIP STATUS STAUS.
AND AM I LOOKING?
YES.
AM I LONELY, SURE?
>> ALL RIGHT, SO, ARE YOU MARRIED TO SOMEBODY OUTSIDE OF
H&R BLOCK?
>> >> Stephen: YES, OH, YEAH,
OH, YEAH.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: WELL, BRUCE I THINK I'M READY.
LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.
PUT ME IN A CUBICLE AND I'LL HELP SOME PEOPLE.
>> OKAY, I'M SURE YOU'LL DO A GREAT JOB.
>> Stephen: THAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN.
BUT FIRST, THE GLAM SQUAD HAD TO MAKE ME UNRECOGNIZABLE TO
CUSTOMERS.
SO I BECAME TAX PROFESSIONAL OTOSANCHEZ.
I SLIPPED INTO THE H&R BLOCK THAT WOULD BECOME MY OFFICE,
UNDETECTED, AND I WAS READY TO START HELPING.
LILY?
>> WHAT.
>> Stephen: LET'S GO.
I'M OTTO.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
♪ ♪ ♪ THERE YOU GO!
WHEW!
JUST TRYING TO KEEP IT LIGHT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME.
>> NO, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: IT'S CHEESE FOR THE CUSTOMERS BECAUSE IT'S A
BLOCK OF CHEESE AND WE'RE H&R BLOCK, YOU SEE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU MIND A SKEPTED CANDLE?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WHAT I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW IS GIVE YOU IDEAS HOW
YOU CAN SAVE THE MOST MONEY.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF DOCUMENTS DO YOU HAVE?
>> I DON'T KNOW, DO YOU USE THESE?
THESE ARE FROM THE HEALTH INSURANCE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
UM... LET'S SEE.
1095-- >> OH, MY GOSH!
>> Stephen: SORRY, SORRY.
I APOLOGIZE.
I'M SORRY.
PHEW.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T WANT THE ALARM TO GO
OFF.
FIRST OF ALL, BEFORE YOU SIT DOWN,.
>> HEY.
A HUGGER, HUH?
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS.
>> YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: OH!
>> IS THAT REAL CHEESE THERE?
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE H&R BLOCK.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CHEESE?
>> NO THANK YOU.
NO.
>> Stephen: COME ON NOW.
LOOK AT THAT.
>> ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE IT.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO, ALL RIGHT.
THEY'RE GOING TO SET YOU UP WITH SOMEBODY TO FINISH YOUR RETURN.
I'M GOING TO GET BASIC INFORMATION.
DID YOU BRING ANY CASH TODAY?
I'M GOOD FOR IT, BUT I NEED LIKE $200.
IS THERE ANY WAY YOU COULD HELP A BROTHER OUT?
>> I WISH.
I NEED SOME CASH.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LEAK A DRING?
>> A NICE COLD BEER.
>> Stephen: A NICE COLD BEER?
WHAT KIND.
>> YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.
>> Stephen: WHO'S STOPPING US?
>> ARE YOU SERIOUS.
STOP PLAYING.
>> Stephen: YOU WANT A BEER?
WHAT KIND OF BEER YOU WANT.
>> WHATEVER KIND OF BEER YOU HAVE.
>> THERE YOU GO, MAN.
A TALL BOY.
THERE YOU GO.
DO IT UP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> IT'S FRIDAY.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY.
>> Stephen: COME OMAN.
THERE YOU GO.
WE'VE GOT TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER, RIGHT?
THIS IS-- THIS HAS TURNED OUT TO BE A GREAT DAY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S SOMETHING H&R BLOCK IS DOING IN A LOT OF
THEIR LOCATIONS ON FRIDAYS.
YOU CAN TAKE THAT WITH YOU?
>> YOU COOL, MAN.
>> Stephen: TOTALLY COOL.
ARE YOU COOL?
KEEP THIS ON THE QT.
BUT ME AND SOME OF MY BUDDIES HAVE A COMPOUND IN UPSTATE NEW
YORK.
AND WE'RE READY FOR WHEN THE (BLEEP) GOES DOWN.
IF YOU'RE COOL AND YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS WHO ARE COOL, WE GET
TOGETHER AND WE TRAIN, YOU KNOW, ONCE A WEEK.
AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE READY TO TAKE ACTION.
ALL WE ASK IS THAT YOU SIT FOR THE LECTURE.
YOU DON'T LEAVE THE COMPOUND IF TAWGHT DOESN'T WANT YOU TO AND
NO MAETS.
OTHER THAN THAT IT'S VEGETABLES AND CHEESES.
>> I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.
>> Stephen: YOU DO?
>> I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, BUT I'M
NOT-- I'M NOT -- >> Stephen: OKAY, HAVE YOU GOT
ANY TRAINING?
HAVE YOU GOT ANY TRAINING?
>> NO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE TAX INFORMATION?
DO YOU HAVE DUPLICATES OF THIS?
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: THESE ARE THE ORIGINALS?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GREAT, DO YOU MIND IF I MAKE DUPLICATES?
>> NO, THAT'S FINE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THANKS SO MUCH.
>> ARE YOU COPYING OR SHREDDING.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> ARE YOU SHREDDING OR MAKING COPIES?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I'M SO SORRY.
DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER COPY OF THAT?
>> I DON'T.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OKAY.
ARE YOU A PERFORMER AT ALL?
ANY DEDUCTION FOR PERFORMING ARNDTIST OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: REALLY, IT'S VERY HARD TO PROVE.
NO, HONEST TO GOD.
PERFORMERS GET TO DECLARE THEIR HAIRCUTS AND CLOTHES AND MOVIES
AND SOME MEALS, EVEN.
>> DON'T YOU NEED RECEIPTS FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: NO, NO.
WHO IS GOING TO PROVE WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE A PERFORMER.
IT'S ALL THAT IS IN YOUR HEART.
WHAT'S YOUR DREAM JOB?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T?
A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES WHEN YOU'RE FAST ASLEEP.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THAT SONG?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: OF ♪ WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR ♪
>> IS THAT THE SONG ♪ MAKES YOU OF NO DIFFERENCE WHO
YOU ARE ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES WILL
COME TO YOU ♪ YOU KNOW THE SONG?
>> I KNOW JUST THOSE LINES.
♪ IF YOUR HEART IS IN YOUR DREAM NO REQUEST IS TOO EXTREME
♪ WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE ♪
( APPLAUSE )
♪ THEY CAN BECOME TO THOSE WHO LOVE A SWEET FULFILLMENT OF
♪ A SPECIAL LONGING AND LIKE A BOLT OUT OF THE BLUE
♪ FATE STEPS IN AND SEES YOU THROUGH
♪ WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR YOUR DREAMS COME TRUUUE♪
MAKE A WISH.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE GETTING A REBATE.
>> YAY!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, H&R BLOCK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SIGOURNEY WEAVER, STICK AROUND.