(heavy dramatic music)
- All right. We're really doing this.
- Yep.
We're interviewing Smosh's biggest hater.
(heavy dramatic music building)
(tape rewinding)
- Ooh, that's nice.
I'm gonna do cheese cracker on E7.
- Ooh, wow.
- Guys! Guys! I have terrible news!
We have a hater.
(tense music)
- Jackie, we have several haters.
Don't let it get to you.
- Yeah, someone comments on all of our videos,
"Keith looks like a hat."
But it doesn't matter because they're a troll.
- No guys, this one's bad.
This one's real bad.
- Okay, what'd they say?
- They said, "The Smosh cast is the human embodiment
of a wet fart and I envy the souls
who haven't had the chance to catch a whiff.
Smosh, more like wash this vulgar content
out of my brain forever.
I blame this channel for all wars, hunger and sadness.
If I could wipe my memory of knowing about Smosh,
I would do it,
even if it was at the cost of my entire brain."
- Okay, I guess it's not like...
It's not that bad.
- And then they said,
"The dumbest members of Smosh
are Noah, Courtney, Keith, and Jackie."
- What? - Okay, so that's something-
- This person doesn't know what they're talking about.
- No. - That's not cool.
- [Jackie] Yeah! We should find them and stab them!
- [Noah] What?
- I mean we should find them
and see like what's going on in their real life,
what's bothering them and why they would take that out
on people in the internet that they don't even know.
- [Keith] Yeah, how do we track them down?
- [Courtney] Well, as the resident shopping addict,
the only thing I know how to track is a package, so...
- [Noah] That's it!
(things clattering)
You're a genius, Courtney!
And also you Keith and Jackie and myself.
But this guy doesn't know what he's talking about at all!
So this is what we do.
We catch this loser by making anti-Smosh merch, right?
The first person to buy it is obviously our biggest hater.
- [Jackie] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then we track them down,
and we find them,
and then we will beat their dumb lizard brain
and we just beat them in!
(screaming) Yeah!
- Ooh.
- Or we could use our words.
- Yeah. Use our words. - Yeah.
- [Courtney] So, the only thing we have to do
is make the perfect anti-Smosh merch.
(upbeat retro music)
Do you guys feel a montage coming on?
- [Keith] I do.
(upbeat retro music)
- Let's get crafty.
(upbeat retro music)
Guys, how about this one?
(upbeat retro music)
- Fine!
It's not right, Noah.
- Come on, Courtney. - Come on!
- Come on. You got it. - Come on! Come on! Get it!
- You got this. - Get it!
Get the green one.
- All right, and we've got...
(group cheering) (upbeat retro music)
- [Noah] We're never gonna figure this out!
(screaming) We're never gonna figure this out!
- No, it's the-
- Back up. I got it. I got it.
(upbeat retro music)
- [Noah] Keith.
Yes, Keith!
(upbeat retro music)
(upbeat retro music stops)
(upbeat retro music resumes)
(phone beeps)
- We got him!
Smosh's biggest hater just placed an order.
- Whoa! I knew this plan would work!
I mean what hater
wouldn't want a shirt that says, "Smosh stinky".
(chuckles) It's fire!
- Yeah. Okay, so who is it?
Who is Smosh's biggest freaking hater?
- Tracking the address and
(phone beeps)
it's someone who works at the office.
(group gasps)
- Oh, sorry. I was just taking a deep breath.
- Yeah, sometimes I just forget to breathe for awhile.
- Yeah, me too actually. - Yeah.
- It is shocking that they work at the office though.
- It is very shocking. - Yeah.
- We should probably go find them?
- Yeah, let's go!
(suspenseful music building)
(group gasps)
- [Keith] Spencer, how could you?
You're Smosh's number one hater?
But you're our editor.
- Oh, it's not me.
It's Augustus, the other editor.
- I bet that Jackie needs help in grocery stores
reaching the top shelf.
- I honestly forgot Noah was around.
Keith Leak Jr., more like Keith Weak Supreme.
(ominous music)
- Oh hell no. Ooh. Oh god. (sobbing)
- He needs me.
Keith!
- Spencer, you knew and didn't tell us?
- Yeah, but you get this whole sketch out of it
so really you're welcome.
- Okay.
- Okay. - Fair, yeah.
- You're right.
(ominous music)
All right. We're really doing this.
- Yep.
We're interviewing Smosh's biggest hater
- [Courtney And Jackie] Augustus.
- Our editor.
- Hi, I'm Augustus.
I'm a five-star Yelp reviewer,
and if I don't get some goddamn buffalo chicken wings
in here in a minute, I'm gonna walk.
- So, Augustus, why do you work at Smosh if you hate Smosh?
(Augustus sipping loudly)
- I could ask you the same question.
It would just make far less sense.
My theory has always been
to know an enemy like you know a lover.
They're out there so it's as close as you can get, you know.
Do your thing.
- Are you a sad person?
(Augustus chuckles)
- Could a sad person have auxiliary snacks? (chuckles)
Here. - I don't want that.
- That's a stray cheese
in your pocket. - Missing out.
Yes! Oh, this one recognizes snacks.
That's pretty exciting.
- [Courtney] Would you consider yourself, um...
(Augustus sipping loudly)
- I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Can I offer you any maple milk?
- What is in it?
- Milk, maple syrup.
- Okay. Why...
- It's okay. It's okay. You got this.
- Why do you hate us so much?
- Oh, that's the elephant in the room
except this one's cage I don't have to clean.
I'm glad you asked.
Maybe you heard a little something called food battle.
Food deserves to be loved.
Food deserves to be made love at.
You don't have to battle food against one another.
Humans invented war. We are the beasts.
Food, angels, babies, angel babies, little cherubs.
- Oh. What could...
What would make...
(Augustus sipping loudly)
I'm sorry. - It's okay. It's okay.
- What would make Smosh better?
- Oh God, total overhaul.
You know how Anthony left?
Everyone should do that.
We filmed the set
and then the audience is able to super impose themselves
into the set.
That does poorly, it gets canceled.
We all stay home. All have a good time.
Maybe we kiss a little, have a little party.
- So you just want the channel to be, like, obsolete?
- What I want is a little kiss,
and this is the quickest way to do it.
- Wait. What?
- Full disclosure, I'm in an open relationship
with a program that I made.
However, I haven't programmed in ways for lips to feel real.
Still feels very much like a computer screen.
So, you know, get that Smosh out in there,
get the kissing going.
- So what do you do when you're not trolling Smosh?
- Yeah.
- I am, I don't know if you notice,
a five-star Yelp reviewer.
It is the title that I made up.
What happens if you need some orthopedics?
What happens if you need a lawn care service?
What happens if you need a midwife?
I do the reviews that no one else wants to do.
Some would call me a hero.
So go ahead.
- I'm not gonna call you a hero.
- I'm recording this conversation.
I will edit it to make it sound as though you did.
What sound does the pirate make?
- Arr?
- There we go.
- Augustus. You. Arr. A hero.
- Now that we're here,
do you maybe want to like apologize
for all of the awful things that you've said about us?
- Actually, yes. I do want to apologize.
I want to apologize for not being perfect.
I want to apologize
for not always recognizing the little things,
living in the moment, letting myself breathe.
But no, absolutely (bleep) on about the Smosh things I said.
They're all very true.
(Courtney and Damien laughing)
Sorry.
- [Director] All right, cut!
(Jackie laughing)
- Yeah!
- That tickles. You (beep).
- Yeah. You like that?
- I did. It was nice.
- I'm your dad. (Keith laughing)
- Who is it? Who is biggest...
Who is Smosh's biggest, big fat Smosh hater? Who is it?
- I don't feel like Kimmy really connected
with her character in the scene.
- Oh, nah. Uh-huh. - That's actually...
- Olivia Sui.
I don't think she could sway me of anything,
even though she's an influencer.
- Get your! Give me your...
- [Director] Cut!
- Sorry. (laughs)