-Thank you very much for watching us, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
I want to say hello and welcome back to Kamal Gray,
ladies and gentlemen!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Great to see you, Kamal.
Roots, did you miss -- Did you miss Kamal?
-No, no, not really. -Yeah, yeah.
We'll dub it in later.
We'll put it in post.
Welcome to the show again, everybody.
Do you guys know this? This is crazy.
The Olympics were supposed to start around this time.
Isn't that bizarre?
Yeah, but now with the virus, it's just President Trump on TV.
So instead of watching gymnastics and swimming,
we're watching a guy bend over backwards
to stay above water.
Last night, Trump held a 27-minute briefing
and basically read the entire thing.
Fun fact -- on his script, all the words were in
a little bubble coming from a cartoon elephant.
Trump kept it short and stuck to the script.
Unfortunately, he sounded like a kid reading a book report
he got off of SparkNotes.
[ As Trump ] "Gatsby" was great. Some even say the greatest.
[ Normal voice ] But Trump kicked things off with
something I didn't expect to hear
five months into the pandemic.
-We are in the process of developing a strategy
that's going to be very, very powerful.
-Trump said working on a strategy isn't that hard.
He found one on his desk
from the CDC marked "February 1st."
He's working on a strategy now?
That's like Ford's Theatre being like, "Good news, everyone.
We're beefing up security."
[ Laughter ]
That's right -- he's working on a strategy now.
He was like, "The key to disaster response is...
timing."
Yeah, Trump said he's in the process
of developing a strategy.
He sounds like every dad that's asked,
"When are you going to build me that tree house?"
"I'm working on a strategy. Just let me get another beer.
We'll talk about it tomorrow."
Meanwhile, after months of sounding upbeat about the virus,
Trump seemed like he was changing his tune.
-It will probably, unfortunately,
get worse before it gets better.
-Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah.
Dr. Fauci has said it every day since March.
That's reassuring, though.
We've from "make America great again"
to "It will get worse before it gets better."
Asked when it will get worse, Trump was like,
"Oh, when I force all the schools to reopen."
Well, to prove how seriously he's taking things,
the president decided to talk about his own commitment
to wearing a mask.
-If you can, use the mask. When you can, use the mask.
If you're close to each other, if you're in a group,
I would put it on when I'm in a group.
I have no problem with the masks.
-Yeah, Trump said he's always supported masks.
He was like, "I wore one far back as 11 days ago.
Oh, there was also Halloween 1968.
I was Bozo the Clown."
Once Trump finished reading from his script,
he went off book, which is always a mistake,
and took some questions.
One reporter asked for his thoughts on
Jeffrey Epstein's longtime associate, Ghislaine Maxwell,
being imprisoned on sex-trafficking charges.
Let's hear how that went.
-I just wish her well, frankly.
I've met her numerous times over the years,
especially since I lived in Palm Beach
and I guess they lived in Palm Beach.
But I wish her well.
-Ugh...
-What?
I would do a spit take right now if it wasn't so dangerous.
[ Laughter ]
Later on, Trump had everyone sign a Hallmark sympathy card
that said...
They're always sold out when I go to the store.
Right after he wished her well, Trump's staff was like,
"Oh, yeah.
This is why we stopped doing these."
Moving on to sports, over in Poland,
some motorcycle-racing fans came up with a creative way
to watch their home team.
Take a look at this.
Yeah, they rented 21 cranes
so they could watch their local team race.
Although, when you're watching from a crane,
it's kind of hard to leave without the racers noticing.
"I'm going to take off, guys."
[ Whirring ]
They tried to do the wave,
but it was absolutely terrifying.
"Aah! Okay."
And, finally, some quirky, fun news that we could all use.
A man in Jamaica won the lottery,
but look at how he decided to collect his prize.
-A lottery winner in Jamaica showed up in
a Darth Vader costume
to claim his check for 95 million Jamaican dollars.
That's about 650,000 American dollars.
-Ever since he won all that money,
a dozen people have come up to him like,
"You are my father? Please?"
Meanwhile, his ex was watching that like,
"Yeah, still no regrets."
You guys know I've been trying to keep up with
the news at much as I can, but when it comes to
news about the economy, there's only one place
I'd turn to get the facts.
It's "Market Crunch." ♪♪
Welcome back to CNBC's "Market Crunch."
I'm Hal Grud.
This week's market in a nutshell --
America wants to order a Happy Meal with a toy in it
but just keeps getting a Grumpy Meal
with a piece of black licorice stuck to the bag.
Let's break it down. Break it!
In commodities, we're seeing widespread reports
of couples getting married -- for the rice.
Here comes the "no, thank you"!
Crude oil continues to plunge this week,
forcing people to sell their cars --
for gas money!
Not pumped!
Let's look at gold.
Today, 2 Chainz is now just 1 Chain -- singular.
That's not enough chains.
In international trade, a fake Nigerian prince
I met online tried to wire money to me.
Reverse scam.
Let's look at the closing bell.
What?! No bell? They had to sell it?
Clang, clang, gone!
And now, time for my "Market Perspective."
♪♪
This is usually the part of the show
where I offer my expert opinion on the market,
but these days, I can't even put in my two cents.
No cents!
Up next, the pot.
Will we have one to piss in? No piss pot?!
Also, the Dow. More like Down.
This has been "Market Crunch."
♪♪
-"Market Crunch."